The Fake Alpha Males

Share & Comment

asian_guy_angry_by_deviantlanxerisfart-d4i6x2gAs most of you probably know, in my new book I harp on the power of vulnerability in attracting women quite a bit. I didn’t really expect this to be a popular idea at first, as it goes against a lot of what’s been taught in this industry the last 10 years. And I’ve heard rumblings, both through email and around the internet, of people turning their nose up to the idea: that making yourself vulnerable is “beta.”

The biggest problem with this entire subject area is semantics. As I’ve already argued, the concept of the Alpha Male is completely arbitrary and gets horribly distorted in most pick up advice. It ends up being counter-productive and/or misogynistic in many cases. The concept of vulnerability gets shat on quite a bit as well, because most guys’ have a negative and/or feminized connotation of what it means to be vulnerable.

I’d like to take a moment to attempt to straighten out a lot of the confusion in this article. Then I’d like to take a moment to address what I see as a cancer in this industry, something I’ve lovingly dubbed the “Fake Alpha Males.”

First, let’s define some terms.

Alpha Male: Used as a term synonymous with men who are “high status” and therefore considered attractive. Alpha males are generally regarded as men who are self-reliant, confident, assertive, pro-active, and who stand up for themselves.

Vulnerability: A willingness to expose oneself to weakness or failure.

Now, let’s take a look at the types of behaviors the above concepts typically entail.

Alpha Males typically behave the following ways:
- Go after what they want without shame or apology.
- Are comfortable with opposition or rejection by others.
- Prioritize their own needs over others, unless they choose otherwise.
- Are willing to take risks and stand up for their own values and beliefs.

Men who are comfortable with being vulnerable typically behave the following ways:
- They express themselves without shame or apology.
- Are comfortable with opposition or rejection by others.
- Prioritize their own beliefs and values over others, unless they choose otherwise.
- Are willing to take risks and stand up for their values and beliefs.

For whatever reason though, the term “vulnerability” rustles up all sorts of negative connotations in guys. Guys misinterpret “being vulnerable” with “being weak.” Whereas the opposite is true. My argument has been, and still is, that a man’s greatest strength comes through his vulnerability.

Every time a man approaches a woman, he’s making himself vulnerable. Every time he tells a girl she’s hot, he’s making himself vulnerable. Every time he cracks a joke and shares his opinions he makes himself vulnerable.

A man’s ability to express himself and assert his desires grows and expands in proportion to his willingness to make himself vulnerable. To put it another way: a man’s ability to be an alpha male is proportional to how willing he is to make himself vulnerable. Vulnerability is the connection between a man’s drives and emotions and him expressing those drives and emotions.

Think of it this way. Think of the ultimate “beta.” He’s reserved, shy, goes along with what others say about him. His actions and attitudes are mostly determined on being accepted. He prioritizes a woman’s needs and values over his own.

How vulnerable is he making himself? Since he’s not willing to assert himself around others, he’s unwilling to make himself vulnerable by initiating conversation. Since he’s unwilling to share his true thoughts and feelings with others, he’s unable to be vulnerable in social settings. Since he values other opinions and beliefs over his own, he’s unwilling to make himself vulnerable when confronted with opposition.

Vulnerability and the classic concept of the alpha are inseparable.

Now, a lot of guys are on board up until this point. It’s when I start about emotional vulnerability where they suddenly jump ship. “We’re supposed to share our feelings and our insecurities? No way, man. That shit’s beta.”

What they don’t understand is that, once again, an ability to expose your true desires, feelings and fears — only this time, one level deeper — is actually a demonstration of strength… assuming those desires and feelings come from a place of non-neediness. Imagine, if you were able to share your most personal secrets without flinching, without any concern of being judged, without any desire for approval, how would that come across to a woman?

The guys who rail against emotional vulnerability are inevitably the same guys who go on to complain in the next breath about women flaking on them, getting cockblocked, or encountering resistance. All things that may as well cease to exist when you connect with a girl on that deeper emotional level.

A man who is unable or unwilling to “go there,” only sub-communicates insecurity. And being insecure isn’t very alpha… bro.

Which brings me to the Fake Alphas. In my book, I spend a large chunk of Chapter 2 on what I call the “epidemic of the Fake Alpha.” The industry is rife with it, and I feel like even though it provides short-term improvements in guys’ results, it plants seeds of really fucked up beliefs about women.

When a guy has spent his entire life being needy (or “beta”), magically transforming himself into an “alpha” is much easier said than done. One must develop genuine confidence, self-respect, a healthy sense of boundaries among other things. It’s often a painful long-term process that entails quite a bit of introspection, questioning, doubt, anger, frustration, personal development, lifestyle changes, and so on.

But there’s a shortcut. And that’s to objectify women. When a woman becomes merely another conquest, a number, something to treat like a trophy or a toy, it suddenly becomes extremely easy to assert yourself around them, to prioritize your own values and beliefs over theirs, to risk rejection around them, and dominate any perspectives they may have — all attractive “alpha” traits, merely expressed in horrible ways.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, the pick up industry’s conception of “Alpha” became equated with “objectifying women” and soon thousands of men were sucked into it — typically men with the deepest anger issues.

And the sad thing is, it works… not on all women, but it works. Women with any confidence will pass up a Fake Alpha in a heartbeat. She sees right through his macho veneer. But low self-esteem women, particularly women with dump-truck loads of emotional baggage — particularly the type of women getting drunk in night clubs regularly — will gladly subject themselves to the abuse.

So yeah, being a Fake Alpha works. But it leads to unpleasant, shallow and superficial interactions, constant headaches dealing with flakes and resistance, and emotionally unstable girls who bother you constantly. It’s like swimming in the shallow end of the pool — yeah, you’re swimming, but it’s not nearly as rewarding as the deep end… and there’s piss everywhere.

Think about it, a real alpha male would have no issue opening up emotionally with a woman. He has nothing to fear from it. He has nothing to lose. If she doesn’t accept him, he’s unfazed. He’ll always prioritize his own belief in himself over hers, and so there’s nothing to hide, ever, in any circumstance, no matter what. And THAT creates attraction on a deeper level than anything else I’ve ever found.

Print Friendly

Did you like this article?

Every couple weeks I send out a newsletter with new articles and exclusive content for readers. It's basically my way of keeping in touch with you and letting you know what's going on. Your information is protected and I never spam.

Subscribe below to stay connected.

50 Comments

Leave a Comment

  • Reply

    Gill

    5 months ago

    I guess the biggest issue of talking about alpha / beta / gamma in the PU industry, is to deal with such extrems in concept (you’re either a cool “guy” or a “looser”). Just like the notion of good or bad lies within the context it’s put in. Alpha or Beta concepts don’t make any sense. The only aim is to tie you with the idea of being able to get every girl in this world (which every alpha guy gets, right ?).

    It sells the idea of what every man WISH to become in this industry. But rather serves more as an excuse to promote ego and selfish needs.

    Some of my most “alpha” friends are also the sweetest and nicest one once you get to know them, and “beta” ones, the most agressive.

    I guess the real problem lies into being happy and comfortable with yourself, which I feel is the key of being cool with girls. A more serious and sensitive topic nobody wants to cover (except from Mark’s ebook).

  • Reply

    Leo

    5 months ago

    I’d like that some women make themselves vulnerables as well. I’ve met so many women hiding their fears: fear of being betrayed again, fear of being hurt, always walking on eggs shells because thay are afraid of expressing their love because they can be rejected or experience another bad relationship etc, etc. If they they could make themselves vulnerable, the communication would be a lot better.

    • Reply

      Mark

      5 months ago

      Agree entirely.

    • Reply

      Anka

      2 months ago

      I think women are slightly better….ok when I say slightly it’s because it’s a men’s forum,in truth,women are way bettter at communicating their feelings.I ‘ve met many men who are “fake alfas” coming from deep insecurity and scoffed at my expressing my vulnerability.So I truly wish men would realise it’s ok to not be strong all the time.

  • Reply

    Rob Judge

    5 months ago

    I kissed a fake alpha male…and liked it.

    • Reply

      Jon

      5 months ago

      How is Mehow these days anyway?

  • Reply

    smartwoman

    5 months ago

    Mark,
    I commend you for telling men what women really need and want. As a single woman, it has been hard meeting men with genuine self-confidence, self-respect and healthy emotional boundaries. This post confirms what I suspect to be prerequisites for a healthy relationship and it is refreshing to read this from a man. Bravo to you for telling men the truth and please keep up the good work!

    • Reply

      Hollywood Hottie

      9 weeks ago

      Agreed. I hate the fake Alpha and there’s a lot of them out there. But like you said, “Women with any confidence will pass up a Fake Alpha in a heartbeat.” I’m a former model signed to a record label and I work in Hollywood. I run into Betas masquerading as Alphas all the time. I walk right past and will not respond to PUA games. Negging just makes me laugh. Every point you make here is true. It’s sad how the need for pussy has turned an entire generation of video gamer/nerd men into complete babies.

      I just wish they’d stop coming on to me or, once I’ve rejected them, leave me the hell alone. There’s few things worse than rejecting a fake Alpha then seeing him try to cockblock any real Alpha who approaches me afterward. There’s one doing this right now. I hate him.

  • Reply

    larah

    5 months ago

    it seems to me that you can split being vulnerable into 2 sub catagories.

    1. things that you know some people wont accept about you but you accept about yourself.

    2. things that you do not accept/respect about yourself that you want to change.

    personally i have experienced alot of growth from exposing the latter. I have found that once I do this the person might no longer be interested in me but this gives me a spark to change and frees me up from worrying and stressing about it. I would reccomend to people to read Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. mark im surprised you haven’t mentioned him. what did you think of the book?

    • Reply

      Mark

      5 months ago

      I’m a fan of Blanton’s. Although I do think he gets out in left field a bit. But the overall premise, I absolutely agree with (obviously).

      I wanted to do his last radical honesty seminar, but plans didn’t work out right.

  • Reply

    Fluffy McGee

    5 months ago

    It seems to me like you really want to rewrite and more accurately define the concept of what an alpha male is and you’re using this vulnerability concept as a new name for it. It’s very difficult for us to come up with a solid definition for the alpha male, and like you said there are a lot of toxic suggestions in the community.

    The strange thing is how you feel the need to alienate yourself from the terminology “alpha male.” When you could simply be setting the record straight of what it is to be alpha, which seems to be the direction of this post.

    Perhaps you could take the concept farther. My approach has always been that a true alpha male knows the fallacies of try hard fake alpha males, so he takes the good and leaves the bad from the various alpha concepts, without sacrificing his better qualities in the process.

    The real shame with some of the alpha male patterns is the loss of respect for your fellow man by placing yourself on an illusory pedestal.

    • Reply

      D

      2 months ago

      If everyone says X = X, it’s really hard to say “no, really, X = Y”

      Much better to use a different word for Y and show how the results you get are the same or even better than X.

  • Reply

    Chris

    5 months ago

    @Fluffy
    I think Mark is going in the right direction by not using the term alpha male, which in the pick up industry has been maligned and beaten into impressionable males heads. Myself not excluded at one time. I want to puke when I see that term now being used on discussion forums or in my lair (aka grandmothers basement). I especially love “you need to be more alpha”… It’s just another way of saying “man up” or be “more confident”, phrases that don’t help anyone.

    It is a lot about semantics as I do agree with you in regards to taking the best parts of an “alpha male” but… I think it is much better in the long-term, especially emotionally, to say become “your best self” than become “someones ideal of attraction”. Just my take on it.

    Damn that’s a lot of “quotation marks” I used :)

  • Reply

    James

    5 months ago

    Despite being cheap, I’m tempted more and more to buy your book.

  • Reply

    hilanoga

    5 months ago

    I think it is much better in the long-term, especially emotionally, to say become “your best self”.

    That.
    I think a lot of guys are doing themselves disservice when thinking in “alpha male” terms. I realize it is an kind of ideal some men set in order to motivate themselves into changing, but as Mark showed in his butchering the alpha post – it can be harmful, and my guess is that it can be awfully demoralizing as well (much like our one-size-fits-all-cast-in-iron beauty standard, this is a one-size-fits-all-cast-in-iron personality standard).

    Besides, as an observer I must say that there isn’t an “alphaness” quality to men that you can measure, and the more alphaness one has, the more women would be attracted to him.
    Some men attract a lot of women, but they are total assholes as well. Some men are really sexy but you can’t listen to them talk for more than 2 minutes without wanting to pluck your aching neurons through your ears one by one. Some men are shy and reserved but have this inner strength and calmness that shines through. Some men are awkward when they hit on you but are passionate lovers in bed. Some men make a lot of money, but have the emotional maturity of a 5 years old.
    All these men are “alphas” in some ways and “betas” in others, and it’s OK. I’ll even go farther and say that the qualities that make some men “beta” are the qualities that are attractive about them.

    The great thing about people is the variety and the fact that we can choose to be with those whose unique combination of traits attracts us.

    So I would say that a smart and healthy way to go about your self improvement is to find *your* strengths and learn to appreciate and highlight them, rather than try to adopt some made up ideal.

    • Reply

      Mark

      5 months ago

      Wow, you hit a home run with this one hilanoga. Well said.

  • Reply

    Nicholas

    5 months ago

    I think there is real value in the notion of vulnerability as a measure of how well we can accept things right-now-in-the-moment. I’m not sure I think it’s valuable to work on increasing vulnerability. I see it as an indicator of where we are in our development as men; the secure and confident man is willing to expose himself because he knows he can deal with whatever comes whereas the insecure man lives in fear of people seeing who he really is.

    Some people are born genetically predisposed to assertiveness and raised in a way that nurtures their confidence, assertivess and curiosity, but most just get “good enough.” There are two choices for those who are not blessed with it “organically.” Do the hard work of becoming a man, or take the short cut and inflate your ego to become “apparently” confident and secure. What I think Mark is calling “fake alpha.”
    Confession. It wasn’t a conscious choice, but I have ventured down the path of shortcut on several fronts not all the way but far enough to win the “nice guy trying real hard” label. Once I gained some awareness of what I was doing, I realized I was trading my real self for someone I was making up. Any feeling of success my “persona” had with women or life was therefore watered down. And so I am committed to greater awareness of who I most truly am and to keeping my truest self integrated with my ego.

    • Reply

      Mark

      5 months ago

      The question I’ve gone back and forth on for years is whether men needs the “fake confidence” step. Is that an intermediary step that’s inevitable? Or a detour? I, too, tried out a lot of fake alpha mentalities for many years. I eventually came back from them a more confident man. But was that required? Or can it be cut out entirely?

      I’m not sure yet.

      I like the point that vulnerability is a barometer for confidence.

      • Reply

        Paul

        5 months ago

        I honestly don’t believe it’s required…it’s just the most sophisticated approach (so far) that the community has devoted itself to cultivating.

        • Reply

          Paul

          5 months ago

          *fake confidence

      • Reply

        Nicholas

        5 months ago

        I used to beat myself up for “faking it” and, I guess, trying on different personas. I’d be impressed with an actor in a movie or etc. and for 3 months or so I’d dig deep for my inner Eastwood, or whatever. I am sure I went to far sometimes.
        But I have decided I agree with Carl Jung; he wrote that during the first half of our lives we are building our identity and making ourselves “unique-from” (parents, societal rules etc). So experimenting with our personalities is normal and healthy. I would argue that there are probably a spectrum of behaviors that can be “fake alpha” and that it’s not so bad to try some confident postures out, (it’s the responses we get that smooth out the rough edges and make us more appealing) but it’s easy to go to far and be just another puffed-ego dickhead.
        Jung says in the second half of life we find ourselves again in the archetypes and begin to understand ourselves and our “whys.”

      • Reply

        D

        2 months ago

        I think that the journey of finding your true self involves a lot of trial and error. This is not just with personality, but with a lot of things. For example, for a brief period I thought I wanted to be a movie producer. So I jumped in, started learning, even set up a web site of interviews with filmmakers… and ultimately realized I did not have the drive and passion it takes to be a producer. But the process of starting to become a producer, then stopping short, is no different than actually being a producer. The successful produced just kept going much longer than I did.

  • Reply

    Anthony

    5 months ago

    This is a great post. I was wondering though how to reconcile to particular mindsets. One, being the vulnerablity your talking about that seems to make so much sense, and the mindset of wearing your heart on your sleeve. The “heart on the sleeve” is traditionally seen as a bad thing but isn’t it the essence of vulnerabilty? Also, could you relate vulnerability to your “avoiding the emotional rollercoaster” post, as it is what made me ask this question. Thank you.

    • Reply

      Mark

      5 months ago

      I believe my point in that post was not to avoid emotion but to not attach one’s identity to the emotions. Let them emotions come, just don’t let them define you.

      I recommend “This is Water” for this, and for like, everything…

      http://www.practicalpickup.com/this-is-water

    • Reply

      D

      2 months ago

      Re: “heart on your sleeve” – is it real, or an attempt to manipulate? Oftentimes people use emotional outbursts as a way to get what they want. Not surprising since we learn that in the very first days of our lives (crying = food).

  • Reply

    Paul

    5 months ago

    Kudos, Mark. For so many reasons, this is my new favorite post from you. If every piece you wrote was like this, I would probably buy your products.

  • Reply

    JJ

    5 months ago

    I think it’s important to note that vulnerability doesn’t necessarily mean spilling your guts to someone. It doesn’t mean being an overly sensitive and caring person.

    I guess it’s not something you can define so concretely, but it’s more about having high emotional intelligence and being empathetic. Depending on the person you’re talking to, you would adjust or tweak the way you would relate or connect with them. But the takeaway would be to be able to open up and know how and when to exercise your ‘vulnerability.’

    • Reply

      D

      2 months ago

      I think of it merely as saying what you want, and being okay with the answer being no. So instead of trying to trick a girl back to your place so she will sleep with you, you just say “I want to take you back to my place and make love to you.”

      Obviously empathy, calibration and body language are important when you make such a bold statement, but you’d be surprised how well that works.

  • Reply

    thatguy

    5 months ago

    Very interesting post. I was finally able to order the hardcover and I’m getting more eager with every post and reference to it from you!

    I am especially curious about your solution for the “being a challenge is key” idea of other advisors in the industry. Thats the thing i cant really reconcile with my inner drive to showing good and bad sides on the table when interacting with people in my environment.

  • Reply

    Dudu

    5 months ago

    “Vulnerability: A willingness to expose oneself to weakness or failure.”

    nope, that is called “courage”/”boldness”/”risk taking” and indeed is an alpha trait

    pouring own’s guts to women and being “vulnerable” is surely not an attractive trait, it’s a beta thing

    • Reply

      Mark

      5 months ago

      My dictionary would disagree with your definitions.

      You can react to vulnerability with courage. You can also react to it with weakness. No one is telling you to go around spilling your guts everywhere. But it should be something you’re not afraid to do.

    • Reply

      Brad

      5 months ago

      . When I was a boy my mother died. As a rule I never really talk about it. One of the few people I talked about that night was my first girl friend. I took myself back to the night she died the first time in more than a decade for lack of a better phrase to “showed her my pain.” The tears came but I wasn’t weeping. In that moment I was pretty bare. Though the haze in my eyes I looked over to her and saw that she too had teard up. In that small moment I felt very close to her. We started dating shortly after that. It is important to note that we were friends long before we dated, but I think after that night see really started to see me for who I am.

      She never pitied me just understood me. She was a remarkable woman more so given how young we both were.

      Mark thank you for articles like this. Your work is helping me with the in-continuity between the goals that traditional pickup teaches and the goals that I am after

  • Reply

    Clint

    4 months ago

    This is good stuff. However, Wayne Elise also known as the PUA Juggler, who wrote a chapter that is featured in some editions of the Game by Neil Strauss, taught me this 10 years ago or so and likely was teaching it at the time the book the Game was published. I have also seen this discussed many, many times on PUA forums bu others over the years. The same goes for a lot of the other stuff you are writing about. Although large segments of the PUA community has suffered from many of the things you claim my experience has been the oposite and most of the guys I know that got involved with it got to much better places personally and have very satisfying relationships with women. I do recognize the stuff you talk about from some of the guys I have met in real life and from forums but I think it is completely over done. Also although you present a very good package of healthy and good advice and writing very insightfull stuff about dating, relationships, pickup artists etc. I have yet to actually read much that I haven`t seen discussed by others on various forums in the last 10 years be it the power of vulnerability, the alpha male vs more complex theories about dominance and attractive traits, being an overcompensating dick vs healthy self esteem, what it actually takes to develop yourself to be the man where all this comes naturally, more nuanced views on evolution etc. etc. I also think the view that sure what virtually everyone who has learnt some PUA has been doing up untill about now has only been getting with girls with low self esteem and having bad relationships is just flat out wrong. I amsure that has been the case for some but it has neither been the case for the majority of the guys I saw who picked up some game and used it to overcome nice blocks or lack of understanding of how sexual attraction works nor those who got deeper involved in the community. Most of those guys got girls with high self esteem, good mental health and heavily screened girls in order to find those qualites. In fact they started looking much more conciously for those qualitites precisely because it was underlined so strongly by other guys in the community how important it was for relationships. What I have seen that matches your experience better is that some of the guys that get deeper involved with lairs and really go hardoce into a PUA lifestyle tend to have more issues to begin with and get more of them by being involved. Indeed all the crap you describe I have seen but it is more far more prevalent amongst those who get very actively involved and far less common amongst those who get some basic wisdom out of the community, maybe take a workshop but probably just do reading, get laid more than ever but don`t go baillistic with it and then get a girlfriend.

    Also, although I agree with you about the power of vulnerabilty and basically all you write about how that functions I think you are not being entirely fair when you dis guys for being scared of showing weakness. The fact is that when you show vulnerability in the way you are describing you are so ok with it you aren`t really vulnerable or weak at all but strong and this is why it works. If you are actually really weak and really NEEDS someone to help you and hold you up for a while that does indeed get you punished in terms of a womans attraction for you. It is precisely when when you are psychologically so weak that you actually need others to hold you up for a while that sharing in order for others to help you heel would be very helpfull. The fact remains that this form of weakness display from women is ok but women will punish you for it. Sure it is nice to be able to share all sorts of things many are fearfull of sharing without feeling needy or ashamed of it but it is really not much consolation when you know that if you start suffering from panic attacks and depression and you likely will be highly needy at times and actually do NEED (or at least feel that way) support and will almost certainly not be able to display they type of fearless comfort in vulnerabilty you talk about, then your girlfriend will loose attraction for you in ways she didn`t. HTe fact reamins she can be needy in ways you cant but in which you almost certainly both will be at times in your life and that is a form of double standard that will always remain and that is what guys are really complaining about and that is why you should not ridicule them about this.

    • Reply

      D

      2 months ago

      I couldn’t get all the way through your wall of text. Yes, a lot of what Mark talks about is not new, but it still stands out from a lot of the PUA garbage out there.

      Vulnerability = weakness = strength is just a circular argument. Turtles all the way down. What matters is he’s even willing to talk about vulnerability as the path to more authentic experiences, which most PUA literature glosses over.

  • Reply

    Brian

    4 months ago

    You got it exactly right! This is also why I’ve been faltering so much recently, my life is in the shits and there is not much to actually, realistically, be confident about (could go underwater any week now). In fact, even investing energy in romance seems too much when I’m just trying to figure out survival, but still there are girls around who want to flirt, but it’s hard not to be superficial about it. If I brought it to a deep level, it would be some dark stuff.

    Excuses, excuses! But the point of me posting this is so much of this “alpha male” stuff fuels itself on narcissism. It doesn’t value the people your picking up, doesn’t value your fellow man (dismissed as beta), it doesn’t even value becoming a better person, just a crude manipulator. And the need to feel “alpha”, even when you aren’t getting the real accomplishments that upholds REAL confidence, makes a whole bunch of people denigrate and insult women, “beta” men, and anybody else to elevate their own low sense of self worth. It’s sad there is a whole group of people who will never know REAL love, because they value sex conquest above all else. I know a person who defines this, and not only is his life consumed by drunken waste and ego fantasy, but he is also a terrible wingman and leaves many unhappy women around him too. All part of “the game”.

    • Reply

      Kristin Kirk

      1 month ago

      For real!!!! I am so comforted to know that there are people our there who are not falling for this shit! I am a “Victim” of having this game run on me– I heard the guy I was dating mention the word “Hamster” to his buddy… and I already had suspicion that his actions were somewhat systematic. They were just too repetitive to be organic. Anyway, he got found out… and what’s sad is that I know this guy wants to love and be loved! Who doesn’t? Conquering pussy can only be so fulfilling, for so long!

  • Reply

    brent s

    2 months ago

    a true alpha male is natreal stand away from the heard wants a family they did a study on lions they put stuffed lions with black mains all over africa and the lions with lighter mains would eaither atack these lions or rub their mains all over the black main to copy make themselves look like alpha do you get what i’m saying being a true alpha can’t be learned it can be copied but it doesn’t make someone a true alpha it’s all instinct for family life and these men are copiers

  • Reply

    eli

    2 months ago

    i am a woman, and I think the same applies to women as well :)) – do not be affraid to express your feelings and be yourself girls.

  • Reply

    Kristin Kirk

    1 month ago

    Mark!

    You are so enlightening! I love your, “Matter of fact” writing– I am a female, but I am very attracted to the bottom line, and I appreciate the ability to summarize useful information.

    It has been very hard to read a lot of female author’s publications and articles on self-impovment, due to the long-windedness and talking in circles that leaves me dizzy and frustrated. It has been equally as painful to read other men’s take on the whole alpha-male, “Don’t ever apologize” BULLSHIT!

    It has left me so confused and seriously considering staring to only date women!

    The Universe delivered EXACTLY what I have been “calling-in” all day! I now realize that I am attracting emotionally unavailable men, because I myself have been emotionally unavailable.

    I think a lot of that stems from not knowing who I am– leading to me not knowing what I want! I feel like I am a little behind, as I am almost 31! I am scared that it is going to be hard to attract the man that I want because all the, “Be a badass and never show emotion! Screw with the heads and emotions of girls only 26 and under! The more miserable you make her, the more you torture her the more she will be addicted to you, and that is the ultimate goal” propaganda! It honestly has made me so sad! I feel like all of that shit is breeding ground for a big group of sociopath’s! Scary!!

    If you wouldn’t have followed your truth, I would not feel so at peace and hopeful. Thank you for listening and taking action on what you were called to do! I know now that I want an assertive, alpha-male who is willing to be intimate and real with me– by being willing to allow me to see inside of him, with an interest to see inside of me! I now have the right words, and something about that clarity has put me at ease.

    Now how do I get this man? I am ready! I want to strategically place myself in the ideal position to allow this man I am seeking to win me over :)

  • Reply

    Celia

    1 month ago

    I am loving your articles. Just came across your site today. Being a happily married, 50 something female, and starting out pretty secure in relationships. I seem to find myself as the confidant and sage helping younger male friends with relationship troubles and questions. It is such a rare and wonderful to read a wise MALE’S perspective on this topic. I find myself giving men advice to be “brave enough to be honest about who they really are”. That they ARE good enough. This seems to be exactly what you call vulnerability. I call it honesty and courage.

    Thank you for your work. Keep it up!

  • Reply

    Bobby S

    1 month ago

    You are a new inspiration to a man that though he had the world in his hands. A man that has an amazing family a wife a two beautiful kids. He got everything he wanted in life and had no idea how. Then this what I thought was a man got cheated on by his wife of five years and was with this women for ten years right out of high school. This man was me. It took me a while to grasp what had happened. I have realized that it was me. I was to comfortable with what I had and I was abusing it thinking everything will stay the same. Or at least I thought things were staying the same but from the outside in I was changing for the worst. I was loosing self confidence and was being vulurnible to outside sources that were not what mattered. You have wrote many pages that explain me. I just turned 28 and You have changed my out put in life by explaining what life is… Who knew. I guess it’s not such a bad idea to read every once and a while. I have got to say your 29 and are the smartest down to earth guy i have ever heard of. I fucking love you dude. Keep writing your articles and ill keep reading them. Thanks man keep up your good work. I can gladly say you are changing my life on a positive self worthy personal way.

    I wish you could put all your articles in one book or five books. I would buy everyone of them.

  • Reply

    Alex

    1 month ago

    Loved this article, it made a lot of sense to me and with a to-the-point writing style. Thanks for this blog, it is much appreciated !

  • Reply

    john

    1 month ago

    Do you know why there are someone wants to be this alpha male thing,, because they want to change,,they want to overcome there fear and be succesfull in life not only about women,,yes women is the first goal of this people you call fake alpha’s and they are motivated by this it make’s them moved and escape in being stagnant in life,,now i tell you mr author,, is this not the way of a true alpha in life that seeks change and succes in life even though they know that they are faking it… yes they fake it and they know it and how it feels on the first place but they also know that its part of their growth they know they will evolve and learn the true ways of an alpha,, yes fake alpha’s are arrogant and much more like a douche and dont know the very core of alpha males and they think that these are the traits of alpha males,,but we must understand also that they are still learning and growing and will eventually realize the true traits of becoming an alpha male, that its not just all about women,,

    these people have insecurities and fears and you mostly must the first to understand them yes they hurt feelings just to be want they want but you must know also how hard for them to do this,,they are beta at first and know this feelings but they know that the right path is the hardest way.

    I tell you Frankly Mr Author You have no rights to criticize this people,, these people want to be happy for the rest of their life and be succesfull,, they want to live life at its fullest and die with a smile on there faces and proudly say’s thank you GOD for you have given me this life,,

    Yes Mr author im also a fake alpha, a beta you called and a losser,,but you are not better than me,,

    These people in the comment section see’s you as an amazing and great man,,but all i can see is an insecure and selfish immature boy enjoying talking about other peoples business and smiling when they fail..

    Remember Mr Author Knowledge is Power Guard It well..

  • Reply

    Daniel

    28 weeks ago

    Mark, you’ve touched upon something that takes a lot of courage and creativity. Thank you for writing about a topic that has been circulating in consciousness and discussed frequently among male friends for the past few years. Wish you the best in your work to bring light to what is truly alpha.

  • Reply

    Kenneth

    25 weeks ago

    Great article! I used to be the complete opposite of the alpha male, shy and reserved. I got married and went through a divorce. During the end of the marriage I opened up to my family about an incident from my past. I carried a lot of shame from it and was scared that they would look at me differently and have preconceived ideas about me. Afterwards, individual family opened up to me privately about things they have never told anyone else. Because of that, I eventually opened up to some close friends and most of them opened up to me privately. Not only did friends and family open up to me but I gained respect from them and a closer relationship. The reason why? Because most people are afraid to be vulnerable!

    Once I knocked that wall of vulnerability down they knew I wasn’t going to judge them. The vulnerability isn’t just about past traumatic incidents but also about fears, anxiety and insecurities. Most relationships only include happiness and anger but we are so much more than that!

    Sometime after the divorce I decided it was time to meet women but those fears about the incident came back. How do I tell her? When do I tell her? Will she accept me? What will she think of me? I decided it was better not to date. I also didn’t think I was a great person or had a lot to offer and I projected that onto women (If I didn’t think I was a great person why would they). During this time I was going through self-discovery (still am). My thinking changed from, I need to be perfect man (don’t ask me what the F that is) to, accepting I have faults but I have a lot to offer. Love, acceptance, honesty, empathy, tenderness, friendship…and if she’s willing to teach me about herself, I’m willing to learn. If a particular women doesn’t want me or what I have to offer then ok, I respect that and move on.

    Once again I decided to meet women. I did and opened up to some of them and bam, they opened up to me. I still don’t know how to tell her, when to tell her, will she accept me or what will she think of me but that is irrelevant because I know who I am. I don’t open up in that way to every woman I meet but I am still honest and true to who I am when I meet them. I still fight some insecurities but I truly did not become confident in myself until I faced my vulnerabilities head on.

    I also used to think that most women liked the fake alpha male because I would see them getting so many women and I was always so shocked. But it kinda makes sense now because those types of guys are constantly approaching women. I don’t know if it’s a numbers game, women confuse cockiness for confidence or they think that’s what most men are like because those are the ones who are hitting on them. But I’m glad those guys exist because if a women likes them I don’t want her and if she doesn’t like them she tends to be more appreciative of me. I wouldn’t say I’m an alpha male because I don’t have the confidence yet to talk to any woman at any time.

    Thanks Mark for the great incite and the awareness that there is strength in vulnerability.

  • Reply

    vision

    23 weeks ago

    I agree on it all except the he values his desires over her’s unless he decides otherwise… This might be misconstrued … Dr. Pat Allen says selfless men are masculine ( Alpha), self centered men ( Beta) are feminine… While I agree that an Alpha male should stand his ground on his beliefs, when it comes to being in a relationship, being self-less means putting your significant other’s feelings first… Which can be him choosing otherwise…but it could also be Beta where he is self centered and taking the feminine role. So I think there is a fine line there between what you say and what she says… along with other relationship experts.

    Beta men can pretend to be Alpha at first until they “get” you and then soon become very needy or dependent on a woman.. and even if they express their feelings, it is in such a way that is very immature in that they want the woman to take the lead in the relationship, which is a masculine trait – taking the lead- so with a Beta male they want the woman to become the masculine in the relationship… so they can fool a secure woman- but only for a short time until they really start turning into a boy emotionally…

    Yes, Beta men can be aggressive, b/c they are compensating for their lack of emotional maturity… they can act very Macho…..

    Great article

  • Reply

    vision

    20 weeks ago

    I agree Gill the Beta can be the most aggressive and the Alpha’s are great guys they are giving, secure, vulnerable ( and no being vulnerable isn’t spilling your guts out- that is beta men wanting and needing therapy). There is a huge difference in Macho men acting like Alpha and an actual Alpha man that is so secure, he can be honest, open and vulnerable b/c he knows that being vulnerable is being strong…. anyone including women that think vulnerability is weak doesn’t understand the true meaning of vulnerability. I’ve dated men that in the beginning acted Alpha and then turned into emotionally boyish men after awhile…. not wanting responsibility, doesn’t want to communicate clearly, wants the woman to pursue, plan the dates ( I had one man say planning dates was exhausting- we’d only had 4 dates… very very Beta) Planning dates is suppose to be fun, adventurous and exciting to please a woman and show your stuff… Women pay attention to how you plan, how you pursue and how you court her. A good woman will walk away if a man is lame and lazy in dating… b/c that means he is going to be that way in the relationship. Men tend to tell a woman anything in the beginning, what they don’t understand is that women remember it all… and at some point she’ll know you lied… she will feel deceived and it will compromise the integrity of you as a man. Beta men need to beef up their selves… if they are insecure. It’s ok to be Beta as long as you are authentic in the beginning and not trying to pull one over on her, let her decide if she wants a Beta man. Let her decide if she wants to take the masculine role. I know lots of women that like and want men that are in more touch with their feminine side…. it’s just about being honest.

  • Reply

    Folwart

    16 weeks ago

    A man needs to be aware of his weaknesses. That doesn’t mean he needs to flaunt them about. Nobody should be comfortable being vulnerable, that is a weak position. Look up the definition of vulnerability, don’t misuse the term. Don’t be comfortable being vulnerable, instead be comfortable enough with who you are and understand how the world and people work to not be vulnerable in the first place. We can’t avoid being vulnerable all the time, at one point or another we’re going to be caught flat footed or be in a vulnerable circumstance. Love is a powerful force, but don’t sweat it if it isn’t returned. Look elsewhere.

  • Reply

    Yusef

    7 weeks ago

    The world offers many races, cultures and sub cultures and it’s always such a huge generalization to hear what one persons idea of an “alpha male” is because more often than not, it contradicts the definition for the remainder of the planet. Let me give you an example: I live in Southern California but I was born in Afghanistan. The “Alpha Male” or male I was raised to be and the one my society and peers wish to see are two very different things. It may be easier for me to use Japanese culture as an example because more people are familiar with it (and it closely resembles what is left of our Afghan culture). As Eastern men we are taught to humble ourselves, when someone bows to you, bow lower. When someone a day older then you enters the room stand from your chair, don’t speak when they are speaking etc etc. Respect women, chivalry is definitely not dead. These are ancient customs and the people who follow them will never replace them with a Western sense of character often dictated by corporate habit ie: walking all over the next person, beating the next man to the punchline, being the loudest mouth in the room, walking with your head raised like you’re a living legend etc. In this sense one societies “alpha male” is the next societies rude wanker. The truth is alpha males are extremely rare in highly developed countries, an endangered species almost. Think about it. Anyone survives in the West, even a fat person who is too fat to leave his apartment is given the opportunity to survive and unfortunately (at times) even reproduce. Thats a gross extreme but you get my point. In many parts of Asia or Africa the infant mortality rate is so high that you almost have to be born an alpha male just to survive. Natural selection and physical evolution are still very real in some parts of the world. Unfortunately from what I have seen in the US and from the type of girly men Western TV/Media portrays as ideal to women here I fear our (US) population is regressing on the evolutionary scale and will continue to, until the John Wayne’s of the past go the way of the dinosaurs. The only real tell tale signs of an “alpha male” are physical. Not just male pattern baldness and muscles but body hair, rougher skin, bigger bones, a wider jaw, the 2/4 ratio. A check list of everything testosterone does to a human body both pre natal and post.

Leave a Comment