As most of you probably know, in my new book I harp on the power of vulnerability in attracting women quite a bit. I didn’t really expect this to be a popular idea at first, as it goes against a lot of what’s been taught in this industry the last 10 years. And I’ve heard rumblings, both through email and around the internet, of people turning their nose up to the idea: that making yourself vulnerable is “beta.”
The biggest problem with this entire subject area is semantics. As I’ve already argued, the concept of the Alpha Male is completely arbitrary and gets horribly distorted in most pick up advice. It ends up being counter-productive and/or misogynistic in many cases. The concept of vulnerability gets shat on quite a bit as well, because most guys’ have a negative and/or feminized connotation of what it means to be vulnerable.
I’d like to take a moment to attempt to straighten out a lot of the confusion in this article. Then I’d like to take a moment to address what I see as a cancer in this industry, something I’ve lovingly dubbed the “Fake Alpha Males.”
First, let’s define some terms.
Alpha Male: Used as a term synonymous with men who are “high status” and therefore considered attractive. Alpha males are generally regarded as men who are self-reliant, confident, assertive, pro-active, and who stand up for themselves.
Vulnerability: A willingness to expose oneself to weakness or failure.
Now, let’s take a look at the types of behaviors the above concepts typically entail.
Alpha Males typically behave the following ways:
- Go after what they want without shame or apology.
- Are comfortable with opposition or rejection by others.
- Prioritize their own needs over others, unless they choose otherwise.
- Are willing to take risks and stand up for their own values and beliefs.
Men who are comfortable with being vulnerable typically behave the following ways:
- They express themselves without shame or apology.
- Are comfortable with opposition or rejection by others.
- Prioritize their own beliefs and values over others, unless they choose otherwise.
- Are willing to take risks and stand up for their values and beliefs.
For whatever reason though, the term “vulnerability” rustles up all sorts of negative connotations in guys. Guys misinterpret “being vulnerable” with “being weak.” Whereas the opposite is true. My argument has been, and still is, that a man’s greatest strength comes through his vulnerability.
Every time a man approaches a woman, he’s making himself vulnerable. Every time he tells a girl she’s hot, he’s making himself vulnerable. Every time he cracks a joke and shares his opinions he makes himself vulnerable.
A man’s ability to express himself and assert his desires grows and expands in proportion to his willingness to make himself vulnerable. To put it another way: a man’s ability to be an alpha male is proportional to how willing he is to make himself vulnerable. Vulnerability is the connection between a man’s drives and emotions and him expressing those drives and emotions.
Think of it this way. Think of the ultimate “beta.” He’s reserved, shy, goes along with what others say about him. His actions and attitudes are mostly determined on being accepted. He prioritizes a woman’s needs and values over his own.
How vulnerable is he making himself? Since he’s not willing to assert himself around others, he’s unwilling to make himself vulnerable by initiating conversation. Since he’s unwilling to share his true thoughts and feelings with others, he’s unable to be vulnerable in social settings. Since he values other opinions and beliefs over his own, he’s unwilling to make himself vulnerable when confronted with opposition.
Vulnerability and the classic concept of the alpha are inseparable.
Now, a lot of guys are on board up until this point. It’s when I start about emotional vulnerability where they suddenly jump ship. “We’re supposed to share our feelings and our insecurities? No way, man. That shit’s beta.”
What they don’t understand is that, once again, an ability to expose your true desires, feelings and fears — only this time, one level deeper — is actually a demonstration of strength… assuming those desires and feelings come from a place of non-neediness. Imagine, if you were able to share your most personal secrets without flinching, without any concern of being judged, without any desire for approval, how would that come across to a woman?
The guys who rail against emotional vulnerability are inevitably the same guys who go on to complain in the next breath about women flaking on them, getting cockblocked, or encountering resistance. All things that may as well cease to exist when you connect with a girl on that deeper emotional level.
A man who is unable or unwilling to “go there,” only sub-communicates insecurity. And being insecure isn’t very alpha… bro.
Which brings me to the Fake Alphas. In my book, I spend a large chunk of Chapter 2 on what I call the “epidemic of the Fake Alpha.” The industry is rife with it, and I feel like even though it provides short-term improvements in guys’ results, it plants seeds of really fucked up beliefs about women.
When a guy has spent his entire life being needy (or “beta”), magically transforming himself into an “alpha” is much easier said than done. One must develop genuine confidence, self-respect, a healthy sense of boundaries among other things. It’s often a painful long-term process that entails quite a bit of introspection, questioning, doubt, anger, frustration, personal development, lifestyle changes, and so on.
But there’s a shortcut. And that’s to objectify women. When a woman becomes merely another conquest, a number, something to treat like a trophy or a toy, it suddenly becomes extremely easy to assert yourself around them, to prioritize your own values and beliefs over theirs, to risk rejection around them, and dominate any perspectives they may have — all attractive “alpha” traits, merely expressed in horrible ways.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, the pick up industry’s conception of “Alpha” became equated with “objectifying women” and soon thousands of men were sucked into it — typically men with the deepest anger issues.
And the sad thing is, it works… not on all women, but it works. Women with any confidence will pass up a Fake Alpha in a heartbeat. She sees right through his macho veneer. But low self-esteem women, particularly women with dump-truck loads of emotional baggage — particularly the type of women getting drunk in night clubs regularly — will gladly subject themselves to the abuse.
So yeah, being a Fake Alpha works. But it leads to unpleasant, shallow and superficial interactions, constant headaches dealing with flakes and resistance, and emotionally unstable girls who bother you constantly. It’s like swimming in the shallow end of the pool — yeah, you’re swimming, but it’s not nearly as rewarding as the deep end… and there’s piss everywhere.
Think about it, a real alpha male would have no issue opening up emotionally with a woman. He has nothing to fear from it. He has nothing to lose. If she doesn’t accept him, he’s unfazed. He’ll always prioritize his own belief in himself over hers, and so there’s nothing to hide, ever, in any circumstance, no matter what. And THAT creates attraction on a deeper level than anything else I’ve ever found.
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