It’s Your Identity, Stupid

It’s Your Identity, Stupid

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A person’s attraction for you is based on your identity. It’s not what you say, how you look, or even what you do, but what you stand for, what you represent, what you embody. What you say, how you look and what do should be an extension of what you embody. In and of themselves, the words and actions are nothing. As I say in my book: don’t say something attractive, be something attractive.
What makes up your identity? It’s your beliefs, your values, your passions, your relationships. It’s what you have chosen in your life to define yourself. If you’re a lazy, self-loathing, negative, out-of-shape, poorly-dressed, whiny person who takes no responsibility for their actions, spends all of their time watching TV, then even the most attractive looks, pick up lines or behaviors are not going to get you very far.

Whereas if you’re a responsible, confident, non-needy, professional, in-shape, well-dressed, positive, successful person with good friends, and happy disposition, then you can probably get away saying or doing anything you want and it will still be perceived as attractive.

This is why being in a position of authority is so attractive: because it implies so many positive traits about your identity. It’s why people are attracted to people who know multiple languages, or are good at a musical instrument, or can build their own furniture with their hands, or run their own restaurant. It implies a strong identity, it displays positive traits about their character and who they are.

Saying attractive things (teasing, flirting, etc.) and doing attractive things (escalating, leading) are only as useful as what they imply about your identity. Flirting works because it implies that you possess confidence, appreciate having fun, and don’t take yourself or others too seriously — all attractive traits. Whining about your boss is unattractive because it implies that you don’t take responsibility for your life, that you aren’t pursuing what you love and that you talk poorly about others — all unattractive traits.

People with unattractive identities who fake attractive words and behaviors are only delaying the inevitable. Sometimes they’re able to delay the inevitable past the point of hooking up with someone, but usually not. At worst, their faking of attractive behaviors will only expose their unattractive identities even further.

This is why becoming better at dating is inextricably linked with self improvement. The only way to become an attractive person in the long-run is to improve oneself and one’s identity.

But don’t get confused, success in dating is not a metric for successful self-development. Many men get hung up on this point. They think sleeping with 30 women somehow makes them more developed or confident than not. This is not true.

Sex and success with women is merely a side-effect of developing one’s identity. And the identity you choose to develop will be more or less attractive to various populations of women depending on what you choose to develop.

This isn’t a horse race. We’re not collecting baseball cards. We’re living. And having relationships. Choose the way you want to live, embody the person you want to be and the relationships which make you happy will follow.

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18 Comments

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  • Reply

    Jack

    5 months ago

    “Sex and success with women is merely a side-effect of developing one’s identity.”

    Nailed it!, excellent post.

  • Reply

    Nick

    5 months ago

    Spot on Mark, it’s about cultivating yourself into the person you want to be. “Faking it” only works for so long before people see through the facade.

    Become a better man, through and through, and see your quality of life improve in every way.

  • Reply

    Pompeii

    5 months ago

    What is an attractive identity is highly subjective. Ultimately, you end up attracting what you project. If you are truly a club person, you attract club girls. If you are an athlete, you end up attracting athletic girls etc.

    • Reply

      Jekkp

      2 months ago

      Right on !!

  • Reply

    saito

    5 months ago

    What’s attractive is only partially subjective in that different personally types prefer different qualities. There are, however, certain things that are universally attractive, for example, as six pack, non-neediness, status, dominance, (men), health, great tits, a nice ass (women). Subjectivity is a great mindset, especially when it comes to your identity and what you decide about yourself (see THis is Water). But it becomes apparent that there is a reality with laws of attraction and what an attractive identity is if you do not delude yourself into believing in a fatalistic subjectivity.

  • Reply

    Prospero

    5 months ago

    Its not about identity, stupid

    Essential for getting girls is:

    1) Knowing how to talk to a girl
    2) Having the situational confidence

    Both of these Aspects are at only weak, if at all, connected to identity.

    You said yourself in “Myth of the Natural” : “some of the best naturals I’ve hung out with have been neurotic or really insecure or had all sorts of “inner game” issues.”

    Having a great overall identity wont get you no girls if you cant talk to girls.
    Having great confidence in different areas of life does not automatically translate into confidence with girls ( i dare say most often it does not).

    Having a great Identity will make things with girls better and easier, once you got the essentials straight, but in itsself, it is neither sufficcient, nor is it necessary

    • Reply

      Mark

      5 months ago

      I think you’re confusing identity with confidence or “inner game.” They’re not the same thing.

      You said yourself in “Myth of the Natural” : “some of the best naturals I’ve hung out with have been neurotic or really insecure or had all sorts of “inner game” issues.”

      Yeah, and they had rock solid identities.

      “Having a great overall identity wont get you no girls if you cant talk to girls.”

      Wrong. Yes it will.

      “Having great confidence in different areas of life does not automatically translate into confidence with girls ( i dare say most often it does not).”

      Agreed.

      I recommend revisiting The Three Fundamentals: http://www.practicalpickup.com/the-three-fundamentals

    • Reply

      Fluffy McGee

      5 months ago

      “Whereas if you’re a responsible, confident, non-needy, professional, in-shape, well-dressed, positive, successful man with good friends…”

      When Mark says identity, I think he is talking about all the little things that make us up. Confidence and know-how would likely be included here, and are of both important of course.

  • Reply

    Kurt

    5 months ago

    I think I agree with the main point of this, but I’m not sure I’d put “well-dressed” under “identity”. Is how you’re dressed “who you are”? Do I change my identity by throwing on an Armani jacket? A guy can use fashion or a six-pack to hide an unattractive identity, just as he can use “game” to do so, can’t he?

    • Reply

      Fluffy McGee

      5 months ago

      Does well dressed mean an Armani jacket?

      Once again I don’t think he means identity as in who you identify yourself as. He means all the small things that make you who you are, add up to whole which is what the woman sees, and it’s what makes you attractive to her.

      There has to be a better word for it, but my brain is firing nothing but blanks searching for one.

  • Reply

    saito

    5 months ago

    I his book, Mark says that “you have learnt absoulutely nothing, if you don’t trust your own actions” and if you don’t “attract women with your own unique personality [identity!] and style.” It’s not about throwing something (e.g. Armanani Jacket) on or using a particular line. These things make you only needy and don’t help you to change your emotional make up that got you here in the first place. “Knowing how to talk” and “having situational confidence” is not going to resolve neediness and being emotionaly ill-equipped.

  • Reply

    H man

    5 months ago

    Why do I keep thinking of a Dos Equis ad?

    • Reply

      Mark

      5 months ago

      I don’t always read pick up sites… but when I do, I read Practical Pick Up…

      Stay horny my friends.

      • Reply

        Traindom

        5 months ago

        Ahahahah

  • Reply

    Eugene

    5 months ago

    The self is always coming through. – Tyler

    responsible, confident, non-needy, professional, in-shape, well-dressed, positive, successful man with good friends

    But also the things you’ve listed influence eachother and they can summarized as/attributed to taking responsibility for your own life.

  • Reply

    Jay

    3 months ago

    Great stuff, Mark!

  • Reply

    Brad

    2 months ago

    How do I go about changing my beliefs, Mark? I feel like I revert back to my old self after awhile or when I see people that knew me from before.

    -Brad

  • Reply

    Young cardinal

    4 days ago

    The truth is that one without identity is not in a existance.its not a must that you build an identity to influence and attract the opposite sex.it realy helps.you may not talk to a guy/gal but your body language and energy emissions will influence and make them be interested in you.then once you make a move,things will work out.i guess Mark is on point.

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