Whereas if you’re a responsible, confident, non-needy, professional, in-shape, well-dressed, positive, successful person with good friends, and happy disposition, then you can probably get away saying or doing anything you want and it will still be perceived as attractive.
This is why being in a position of authority is so attractive: because it implies so many positive traits about your identity. It’s why people are attracted to people who know multiple languages, or are good at a musical instrument, or can build their own furniture with their hands, or run their own restaurant. It implies a strong identity, it displays positive traits about their character and who they are.
Saying attractive things (teasing, flirting, etc.) and doing attractive things (escalating, leading) are only as useful as what they imply about your identity. Flirting works because it implies that you possess confidence, appreciate having fun, and don’t take yourself or others too seriously — all attractive traits. Whining about your boss is unattractive because it implies that you don’t take responsibility for your life, that you aren’t pursuing what you love and that you talk poorly about others — all unattractive traits.
People with unattractive identities who fake attractive words and behaviors are only delaying the inevitable. Sometimes they’re able to delay the inevitable past the point of hooking up with someone, but usually not. At worst, their faking of attractive behaviors will only expose their unattractive identities even further.
This is why becoming better at dating is inextricably linked with self improvement. The only way to become an attractive person in the long-run is to improve oneself and one’s identity.
But don’t get confused, success in dating is not a metric for successful self-development. Many men get hung up on this point. They think sleeping with 30 women somehow makes them more developed or confident than not. This is not true.
Sex and success with women is merely a side-effect of developing one’s identity. And the identity you choose to develop will be more or less attractive to various populations of women depending on what you choose to develop.
This isn’t a horse race. We’re not collecting baseball cards. We’re living. And having relationships. Choose the way you want to live, embody the person you want to be and the relationships which make you happy will follow.
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