Pornography Can Ruin Your Sex Life

Pornography Can Ruin Your Sex Life

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A couple years ago, I stumbled across some research and articles about the pornography and the negative effects it could be having on men and their sex lives. I found it interesting, but never gave it too much thought after that. Then some time last year I stumbled across this video:

It caught my attention because not only had I struggled with sexual anxiety and had bouts of inability to perform in the past, but being a dating coach, I had talked to a lot of men who struggled with the same issues, men often in their 20′s and 30′s. A recent survey by Esquire showed 43% of men reported difficulty getting or maintaining an erection at least some of the time, with 24% reporting that they had difficulty “more often than I’d like to admit.”

According to the science, porn trains our brains to release more endorphins than is natural in response to an overload of sexual stimuli. After a while, our brains become desensitized and develop a need for higher and higher stimuli in order to reach the same arousal and excitement. Thus begins the spiral into more hardcore porn and higher quantities of it. In some cases, men can develop a psychological addiction to pornography and it can begin to interfere with their sex and social lives. In rare cases it can be debilitating in both.

Chances are you’re not a porn addict, but if you’re a man under the age of 35, I imagine that the abundant access to porn has affected you more than you think. Think back to the first time you watched porn. The mere image of a beautiful naked woman was probably enough for you. But sadly, for many of us, over the years we devolve into darker and more twisted porn habits.

The result is that not only does it limit your ability to become aroused at all, but also can limit your dopamine receptors in general, causing you to become more anxious, less social, and possibly even depressed. Not to mention it completely skews your perception of what beauty is and gives you unreasonable standards for sex with the women you meet. If you’ve ever gotten an otherwise beautiful girl naked in your bed and been unable to ignore the tiny blemishes or asymmetries to the point where you have trouble getting turned on, then you know what I mean.

And worst of all, the younger you were when you began watching porn, the worse the effects generally are.

In my book on attracting women, I shared something I referred to as the “masturbation diet” in my chapter about motivation. It involved eliminating porn and limiting masturbation to 1-2 times per week. The goal of the “diet” was to revitalize and motivate guys who had trouble being motivated enough to pursue women in the face of their anxiety. I had done it on and off in the past whenever I needed a kick in the ass and it worked for me. Often within a week or two. But I had never considered keeping it or making it a permanent habit in my life.

Late last year, the “no more porn” stuff really caught fire on the forum here, and a number of guys (myself included), hopped on the bandwagon in this thread and agreed to not look at porn for 60 days. We all kept logs on the thread and it turned out to be a raging success. Most of us made it through the 60 days unscathed and true believers. Porn had been negatively affecting our sex lives.

For some it was a major shift and very difficult. For others, the changes were minor and simple. For everyone, the consensus seems to be we’re glad we did it. You can read the experiences of others on the thread. Personally, I have been watching porn since I was 13, and had been watching it almost daily for 8-10 years when I began this challenge.

  • I had somewhat intense cravings to watch porn in the first few weeks. The cravings would come and go, often along with my sex drive. Some mood swings. And a few nights where I dreamt about pornography — no, not dreams about having sex, dreams about pornography. Yeah, fucked up.
  • When I did masturbate, I made a point to only fantasize about girls I knew or had met. Other times I did not fantasize at all. I absolutely did NOT fantasize about porn I had seen.
  • My sex drive was very erratic the first few weeks. Some days I would be unbearably horny and then I would be completely disinterested in sex for a few days after that. I didn’t limit my masturbation (some guys chose to do this), so this usually meant that I’d go 4-5 days without masturbating, and then go nuts and do it 3-4 times in the span of 24 hours. Sometimes it felt like I was 16-years-old all over again.
  • At around three or four weeks, my sex drive was high and remained that way. My aggression with girls increased, as well as my confidence being sexual around them. I felt little shame or hesitation pushing things further with them, whereas I may have been in the past.
  • I began to find normal, every day girls to be more beautiful. Minor flaws and blemishes that used to bug me were now endearing and sometimes even sexy. I also noticed that my tastes changed a bit. I began to find the fake-titted, fake blonde, fake tan, tiny skirted, club-type girls less attractive and naturally beautiful girls to be more appealing to me. I started noticing things like skin, lips, eyes and hair more. And although I still love a nice pair of tits and ass, they’re no longer my sole criteria.
  • After one month, it was clear I was having better sex. I was performing better and enjoying it more and wanting it more often.
  • In the second month, I had no temptation and the benefits continued to increase.

It appears my addiction and “reboot” were milder than that of many guys. You can read more about porn withdrawal symptoms here and read about the benefits many men experience after giving up porn for 60 days here.

Relapse and Experimentation

I jokingly call it a “relapse,” but in early-February I was pulling 14-hour work days and not getting out much, so I hit up the good old YouPorn to blow off some… err, steam. Yeah, that’s it, blow off steam.

On my first return to porn post-reboot, a few things had changed:

  1. Porn I used to enjoy now felt excessive, dehumanizing and honestly, not very attractive. There were a few videos I saw where I couldn’t believe I used to watch stuff like that.
  2. I appreciated and was far more turned on by the beauty of each girl and less by them getting fucked or gagging by a giant cock or what have you. The actual sex itself seemed far less exciting than just having a ridiculously hot naked girl on my screen.
  3. I couldn’t help but notice how unhappy and inauthentic the girls in the videos often were. Not to say I haven’t noticed some of the actresses obviously faking their way through a scene in the past, but this was deeper. Like you could tell they just weren’t very happy people and didn’t have much self-respect. I know this both a) sounds weird to be thinking about while getting your fap on, and b) should not surprise anybody. But it actually became so apparent that it was hard for me to stay turned on in some cases.

I watched porn a couple times over the span of maybe three weeks with the above reactions. I noticed no change in my aggression, my sex drive or my comfort around women. A few weeks later, I began dating a girl here in Brazil pretty regularly and for the first time in about a year, I had a regular sexual partner who I saw frequently.

I decided to use the opportunity to test something out: I wanted to see how much porn was too much. I had watched it on a couple isolated occasions and nothing changed. But how much did I have to watch before it began to affect my sex life? My new Brasileira girlfriend offered a perfect control variable. Since I was having sex with her every few days, I could see and feel any changes in my sexual interest or ability to perform with her as soon as they happened.

It took about a week. I maybe masturbated to porn 4-5 times that week. But by the last time, I was back to my old habits of watching hardcore porn and watching 10-15 videos per session, usually skipping straight to the money shots. The second time my girlfriend came over after beginning my escapade, there was a noticeable drop in both my desire and my performance, to the point where I apologized to her for not being able to live up to my standards (no pun intended). The next week, I quit the pornography, and within a week, the old desire and performance came back and is still going strong.

So what does this mean? Is porn the devil? Should you never watch it? Is it ruining your sex life as we speak?

I can only answer for myself. For me, yes, porn had a noticeable impact on my sex life and I’m much better off not watching it. And I know there are a number of guys on the forum who had far more dramatic benefits than I did. I will never go back to watching it regularly. I imagine I will watch it occasionally, most likely when I’m drunk and get home after a night of striking out. But it’s clear that if I watch it on any consistent basis for more than a few days, it negatively affects my sex life. I honestly wish I had stopped watching it years ago, as it would have saved me a lot of struggle for motivation and embarrassment in the bedroom.

I recommend you experiment with quitting altogether as well. Our “No More Porn” thread on on the forum is on-going and everybody is invited to participate. We have some guys in the midst of their 60 day challenges right now who are posting about their progress. I invite you to join in and follow along. If anything, it’s worth the exercise in discipline. At the worst, you go without fap material for two months. At the best, you gain a newfound sexual confidence around women, and increase your performance in bed. Sounds worth it to me.

Also, if you believe you have a severe porn addiction — you watch porn for up to an hour per session, you have trouble getting an erection without porn, or you watch porn which does not match your sexual orientation — then I highly recommend you do a full reboot and read www.yourbrainonporn.com.

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172 Comments

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  • Reply

    Bob

    3 months ago

    By the way…
    I’m a reasonably attractive, fit man, with a good career. My wife is attractive and wonderful in every way except the way I need her to be. She has put in the work to excel in every area of her life. But ask her once a month, to lay on her back for fifteen minutes like a corpse, while still having at least two orgasms by my labor, is like getting a cat to fetch a stick. She has tortured me in this way for years now. Talking, even begging, does not register in her female reptilian brain. She knows that she has the control, and I resent that deeply. What kind of woman will labor till she drops at work or log countless hours of physical labor redecorating the house; but literally won’t give a half an hour to receive and give physical/emotional pleasure for the sake of our relationship? “I’m too tired.” Im too tired? That’s all you’ve got?

    I want only her. Not porn or a meaningless screw from some strange woman. But she is forcing me to consider divorce or infidelity. I am the one at fault I guess. I should have ended this long ago. But I care about our child and her future. I took my vows seriously. I’m the fool.

    • Reply

      Bob

      3 months ago

      One last comment. I found out from my wife, during a moment of honest clarity; why she has never allowed me to even gently and carefully try anal sex with her. Because her first boyfriend (long ago) used to really enjoy anal sex with her, but she didn’t like it. She did it to keep him happy. Did you read that last part? She did it to keep HIM happy!!! Not her husband, who gave up his life for her; but a high school boyfriend!! Really? I have never traversed where some fucking teenager once played at will. This is an ex post facto betrayal. This is a deep hurt that only another man might understand.

      • Reply

        KJC

        1 month ago

        Bob, it sounds like your wife experienced sexual abuse (even if she does not call it that) at the hands of a past boyfriend. I have had many friends who dated men who asked them to do things that made them extremely uncomfortable, and it is common for these women to have deep scars years later. You are essentially resenting your wife for not wanting to relive her abuse and for not allowing yet another man (you) to walk all over her – she married you because she thought you would be different than the past men, and you are showing that you do not understand her needs. Perhaps it is a lack of empathy on your part that contributes to her not wanting intimacy with you. Who wants to make love to a husband who cares more about his own sexual pleasure than the wife’s physical and emotional safety and enjoyment? I think most men find that respecting their spouse’s boundaries, showing love and affection without the expectation of sex, and helping out more around the house are actually better ways of getting sex than begging and pleading. For women, sex starts hours before you are together in the bedroom, and the more non-sexual ways she experiences your love, the more likely she is to want sex later. (Keep in mind that if you have built up years of tension and resentment, don’t expect that doing the laundry once will lead to sex. Change takes time.) I would also highly recommend marital counseling to help you both deal with the underlying issues, since lack of a sex life is usually the symptom of other problems more than the inherent problem itself.

      • Reply

        nijel

        1 month ago

        get over it bob. anal sex is wrong wife or not. all our body parts serve a purpose and the ass is not made for sex. simple dude. dont be offended. just look at it this way. your wife is not some silly teenager. and she knows the above statement to be true. good on her. and you should look at it that way and nothing more. infact if you still want to have ass sex with her after reading the above you need to rethink your desires and motives. you should be proud of her for standing up for what is right.

      • Reply

        A.

        4 weeks ago

        @Bob: Seriously? You’re just like every other selfish sob who only cares about what he gets out of his woman, not how she feels or what she experiences as a human being. Maybe if you were less concerned about yourself, you’d get some.

    • Reply

      Mike

      1 month ago

      You should beat that whore into what you want. Strap her down and just go at it

    • Reply

      Mike

      26 weeks ago

      Bob, it is not infidelity to have sex as a male.

      In your current situation, you are ABSOLUTELY prevented from having sex, COMPLETELY! Your situation is far worse than the 20-year-old virgin. At least the virgin has the chance to have sex! You, in your current situation, do not have this chance. And it’s related to your wife having FULL control of your balls!

      It is NOT infidelity to have sex with another woman if your wife refuses sex with you. What are you supposed to do? Live the life of a shell of a man? How will that help anyone? How can your true value as a man ever come to fruition if you’re constantly sexually starved?

      The answer is simple. Sit down and talk with her. Tell her that as a man you are incredibly horny and NEED sex to function well. Tell her if she doesn’t want to satisfy you in that way, it breaks your heart. It SUCKS. It is fucking HORRIBLE that the woman you love is preventing you from having sex, which you so truly need as a human being. It is the HIGHEST desire for men to have sex, she is preventing your HIGHEST DESIRE.

      Now, say that you will not, and would NEVER want her to feel like she HAS to have sex with you. If she truly doesn’t want to have sex with you, that’s her choice. In the case that she refuses to have sex with you in the future, YOU WILL FIND ANOTHER WOMAN WHO WILL SAY YES.

      This doesn’t mean you break off the marriage and everything you have with her. It’s simply, matter-of-factly, respectfully, the only option you have. You seem to still love every other part about her. She probably feels similar about you. You don’t necessarily have to get a divorce. You just have to have sex. One way or another. If she worries that this will cause you to become “unfaithful” and stop loving her, well, maybe she should start fucking having sex with you.

      Start setting aside money in an account the two of you don’t share. Don’t ASK for her permission on this matter. She has you owned by the balls, she has 100% leverage, you have ZERO. Doing this will give you TRUE LEVERAGE, and help you reset your relationship, if that’s even possible at this point.

      Simply tell her straight that you will start looking for sex in other places. Don’t get mad about it. Don’t apologize for it. This is not an area where you are in the wrong. Sex is a HUMAN NEED. I don’t care how much the media says differently. The media is bullshit, biology is TRUTH. Men NEED SEX. If your wife does not provide sex with you, yet insists you have sex with no one else, THIS IS BLATANTLY ABUSE!

      You need sex, she doesn’t provide, you’ll simply find someone who will.

      • Reply

        Ashley

        21 weeks ago

        YOU ARE FRIKKIN NUTS!!!

      • Reply

        Bob No Hope

        20 weeks ago

        Dude. You need help.

      • Reply

        April Seeper

        20 weeks ago

        Mike,

        I hope that Bob didn’t take that advice seriously. That would be hugely detrimental to everything in his life. You’re telling him to CHEAT ON HIS WIFE. Bob needs to sit down with his wife and talk to her, and understand where she is coming from. She doesn’t like anal sex. Oh no. There are other ways to get off that would be more pleasurable for the both of them. He needs to find out what her boundaries are, what she needs, and make her comfortable. It may mean he has to start all over, and kick up the romantics again, and woo her all over. They may need marriage counselling. I don’t know, I’m not in that situation, I don’t know the people, I don’t know the behaviour. But I know that having sex with another woman is a cop out answer, and the easy way for him to get fucked, as well as get fucked over- when his wife does find out, it’ll kill everything. How would his kids feel knowing he was filling around with another woman? His vows, which he takes seriously, would mean nothing. What if the other woman gets pregnant? What if the other woman turns out to love Bob, and he just created a love triangle? That cop out answer is not the answer. Bob needs to talk with her seriously, ask the tough questions, see what she is thinking and where she is coming from. Once he has that information, he should then act, but NOT BY CHEATING.
        Mike, I hope this wasn’t projection, or your sick way of fucking someone else over for your own amusement. I wish you the best.

        Athena

    • Reply

      A Girl.

      9 weeks ago

      I realise you posted this several months ago but I wanted to give you a woman’s perspective.

      The bottom line is; if a woman is not interested in sex it’s because the approach is wrong. (Either that or she has suffered some sexual abuse.)

      I was in a relationship for four and a half years with a guy who never made me orgasm. It didn’t matter how much I tried to communicate with him, guide him, explain to him what was working and what wasn’t working, he still didn’t listen. There was no romanticism, no foreplay, no warming up, he just wanted to get straight to it and it hurt, because I wasn’t physically or mentally prepared. Sex became so painful that it left me in tears, so I avoided it like the plague and if I did give it to him, it was because I wanted him to stop asking. Needless to say, I left him.

      Then I met my (now) husband, the first man that has ever made me orgasm. Why is this? Because we connected emotionally and are very intimate with each other, which leads to foreplay which leads to sex. Sex for women is very much an emotional engagement; a woman has to feel safe, secure, loved, protected, she needs to be made to feel like a woman, not be told to roll over so you can stick it in and get the job done. Tip: everything starts with a kiss.

      It sounds like you harbour too much resentment towards your wife to actually engage with her in a way which would make her WANT to have sex with you. You cannot ASK a woman to have sex with you. You have to give her the desire to want to have sex with you. Do you know what her desires and fantasies are? Do you know what turns her on? If you don’t know, find out. When was the last time you really did something for HER without expecting anything in return? Run her a bubble bath with scented candles, cook a romantic meal, take her to the place you went on your first anniversary, take her to hotel spa for the weekend.. Romance her. But DON’T ask for, or expect sex. Let her gradually warm up to you. Once you’ve won her heart back, you’ll have won her sexuality. Until then, the moment the idea of sex comes up, she’ll shut down and back away.

      Clearly there was a break down in communication somewhere and because of this she has retreated from you sexually. Unless she has suffered some form of sexual abuse then it’s likely that she’s also desperate to have a fufilling sex-life but doesn’t know how to go about achieving that. Other factors to consider are any medication she might be on, or depression, stress, anxiety. Some anti-depressants (SSRIs) cause complete loss of sexual interest or dryness of the vagina, but doctors can offer medication which can counter-act the libido loss. Gingko Bilboa aids libido. However if she has emotional issues with sex It might be prudent to visit a therapist or even a relationship counselor to discuss the root cause of the issue.

      I really hope you find some resolution with this issue; but if you want the goodies you have to put some work in! It may take an extremely long time but you clearly love her dearly so hopefully you can work through this awful situation.

    • Reply

      Linzi

      8 weeks ago

      Um…is the issue anal sex? I cant make this any clearer. Men can enjoy anal sex. Women don’t. Ok, about 99% of us font. There are no good feelings from it. Seriously. We’re built differently. Secondly, is your wife overweight? does she feel good about herself? do you make her feel bad for this? I dont want sex when im overweight, i feel gross. I dont want to have sex with a man who verbally or phyiscally abuses me for obvious reasons. Anger=not turned on. Resenting a man means i wont be turned on. Do you make her orgasm? If so, great! I think you should sit her down and explain, look, this is important for me, is there any reason why you dont enjoy it? and ask her if theres anything that bothers her about you and work to fix it. Im seeing a guy right now but because he’s said some horrible things to me, i dont want to do anything with him. My sex drive is usually sky high, i love sex. He put me off it immediately when he described me as just lying there, my ex said the same. I get involved in sex, i get on top, i love giving him oral, he doesnt return the favour either, initially, when hes doing things, im in such…ecstasy that i dont want to move around loads. Men get a kind of adrenaline rush, women dont. We get relaxed. Think of animals. Do female animals get on top of male animals? no, they sit back and take it. Its not to say she cant do anything like that but i hate men saying that myself…we get involved in other ways like touching you, rubbing you, moving forwards and backwards so you go in deeper etc so that is a MAJOR insult to me or any other woman. I would certainly try to mix things up, see how you get on. Firstly, sit down with her. Involve toys/lubrication etc. I also should mention, depending on your wifes age…menopause, DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE HORMONES. When on the pill for a year with my ex, my sex drive went from sky high to rock bottom. I got annoyed when he touched me, i HATED sex. When i came off it, BAM! It was back again so research that, see if she can take anything to help. Dont get down, try to resolve this before you consider running off with someone else…or divorce.

      • Reply

        Mark Manson

        8 weeks ago

        Actually, many women can orgasm from anal sex. So your 99% comment is completely unfounded. *YOU* don’t enjoy anal sex, and that’s entirely fine. But plenty of women do.

        • Reply

          Chris

          8 weeks ago

          How can a man say that ‘many women orgasm from anal sex’?? Have you had ‘many women’ up the arse? Are you a master at recognising fake orgasms?? As a woman, who has had intimate talks with ‘many women’ throughout my womanhood, I know that ‘many women’ fake most of the time when being hammered just to get the bloke off quicker and therefore have the experience over with quicker. I have known one woman who told me she enjoyed anal. So in my experience, the 99% comment was pretty accurate!
          Women are giving beings, we’re built that way, and we do put up with a LOT of stuff that doesn’t excite us, doesn’t arouse us, because we know it’s pleasurable for the man we’re with. And if we have a good bloke then he reciprocates in a likewise manner, taking more time than most men want to.
          Some of the comments on here have sickened me, and I am actually thankful for porn in this because it hopefully keeps some grubby paws off women. Whatever happened to mutual respect? Or even just plain respect? Of women specifically given this thread of vileness.

          • Mark Manson

            8 weeks ago

            Actually I’ve dated multiple women who have orgasmed anally with me. And no, they were not faking. Learn your vaginal anatomy, the same nerve centers that comprise the G-spot actually encircle the vaginal corridor and stimulation is often possible for many women through the anus as well. Only about 1/3 women are able to orgasm vaginally, so one would assume that only 1/3 are capable of orgasming through anal sex as well. And considering that the majority of women don’t try or don’t take the time to get comfortable with anal sex, then it makes sense that only a small minority actually do orgasm through it.

            But it is possible and it does happen.

          • Gaston

            5 weeks ago

            Sorry Chris but I have to agree with Mark on this one. I’ve also had anal sex with different partners and some women enjoyed it while other did not (surprise surprise). As Mark pointed out, vaginal anatomy has a lot to do with it and some women will have better orgasms from anal sex than they would from vaginal sex! It all depends on the individual woman and how her partner handles it. You know what works for you Chris, you don’t necessarily know what works for other people.

            Cheers

    • Reply

      Willow

      4 weeks ago

      Bob, I agree wholeheartedly with KJC. What your wife went through was sexual abuse. You resenting her for that is very unfair. She didn’t ask for this. She’s a victim here. You seem to be focusing only on yourself here, how about trying to figure out what’s going on with her? Don’t you think she might be hurting as well? Your post made me really sad … I really hope the two of you sit down and talk a little and perhaps look into marriage counseling. Good luck.

    • Reply

      Jingler1

      1 week ago

      I understand exactly how u feel pal. most of the world is toward the man proving everything to the woman he wants or likes. when u first meet the woman it is expected that u will show her your a good man and your worth being with but women and even most men don’t feel the woman has to prove anything to the man. All she needs is a vagina and most of the world(males and females) consider her to be worth pursing; but my idea is that women should also have to prove to men that they are good women and worth being with. women need to show men that they can be good wives, affectionate and understanding and comforting to a man when he needs it. but instead women are not at all like that in relationships. they are mostly selfish and give the man the silent treatment when things don’t go there way making the man have to break down and apologize even when the woman was wrong, just to keep the relationship going. As far as her not giving u much sex I will say this, women do everything only when it’s convenient for them, so if she wanted another child she would be having sex with u all the time just to get what she wants. Also women are so selfish and they make the man work hard to fulfill her emotional needs but most normal women who are mynogymous won’t try at all to please the mans physical needs(men are more physical and women are more emotional). and most of the women who will work hard to please a man sexually are whores who want to have sex with everyone, so basically u get one or the other with women, a whore or a woman who won’t try to please your physical needs as a man. its so sad.

  • Reply

    Younes

    3 months ago

    it’s ironic that this article is written by a guy who actually watch porn.

  • Reply

    Josh

    3 months ago

    I find this extremely interesting. At 33, I still am yet to be with a woman. Now, I haven’t had that many opportunities, but the few that I have gotten, I was completely unable to perform in any way, shape or form. Even with girls I really liked and even one that I was head over heals in love with. She moved on to another guy very soon after this. I cannot even begin to explain how heartbreaking THAT was. It basically sent me in to a wave complete sexual anxiety around women that totally disarmed my charm with them because…what if they want to have sex…and I still can’t perform….so I completely gave up trying to be with a girl. The cycle started to get vicious from here on out. That was 10 years ago and things have only gotten worse since the older I’ve gotten the women I meet all have more and more experience and I have none at all. A 23 year old virgin is not THAT big of a deal. 33? It’s completely embarrassing. I even had my testosterone checked because I was so worried about it. I’ve had it checked 6-7 times over the last few years and it’s been as low as 214 and as high as 403. All very low on the total scale but my free test is always OK. I’ve also been an extremely heavy drinker (20-50 drinks per week) for almost 15 years which probably has something to do with it as well.

    I started thinking I’m just going to die alone because, no matter how much she likes me, why would a girl waste her time with me when so many other guys out there can give her the sexual satisfaction she deserves.

    Now, check this out;

    I have never had a problem getting it up on my own and I am a very regular porn watcher. 3-4 days per week usually. Porn and sex chat rooms have been my entire sex life for almost 20 years now! When I was a horny, wide-eyed teenager, this was such a great sexual outlet since I wanted it ALL the time and, though I got hard when the wind blew, I was way too nervous to even talk to a girl, much less get anywhere close to that far with her. This is how the cycle began. No sex, so you get off to porn and fantasy. This porn and fantasy gives you unrealistic expectations about real sex so real sex doesn’t turn you on…but, I’m still horny so…yep…back to the porn and fantasy and so on and so on.

    Now, the reason I have started researching this is because I have found a young lady that I REALLY like (she likes me back, oddly enough) and want nothing more than be able to satisfy her properly when the time comes…at least be able to get it up for her for gods sakes!!! At this point, I honestly couldn’t care less about my own sexual needs. But, all I keep thinking about are the disasters of the past. So, I started researching and came across this article.

    I had no idea porn could be having such an influence but it makes a shit ton of sense. There has got to be a reason I crave porn and sexual fantasy but literally couldn’t get it up for a Maxim model. Seriously. This article has inspired me. I’m gonna try it. No porn and no sex chat fantasies. The drinking is gonna be the hard part. I’m hoping this will rewire my brain so I literally don’t die alone and never experienced love or real sex. Thanks for reading and wish me luck…I’m gonna need it… And, yeah, I’ll take ANY advice you all are willing to give me…

    • Reply

      Alan

      1 month ago

      Josh, if you ever read this man, I want to tell you your story really connected with me. I hope that you’ve heeded Mark’s advice and gotten off of porn. I know the temptation can be strong, but your will is stronger. I really hope you met the right woman in the girl you mentioned. I can tell you that I was in your same position. I would get women into bed and couldn’t perform… then fall back on porn because I was still horny. I dropped porn for a couple of months and then one of the girls I got involved with ….. I could finally get it up! And she was no looker either. 5/10 would be generous. Anyways, I left her and got back into the porn cycle again. Sure enough, the next couple of women I were with nothing ended up happening in the bedroom again!

      I don’t need further evidence. As of June I stopped it completely. I think about it sometimes, and the first couple of weeks are definitely the toughest, but I am resolved.

      Best of luck to you!!!

      • Reply

        Tom

        22 weeks ago

        Hey Alan,

        I resonate with this. Only 26 now but was a virgin until about 20. Might not seem like a long time for a guy who’s 33 but when you’re 18-19 and have never even had a makeout let alone a gf or sex, it can feel like the end of the world. Then, the first 5-6 girls i had sex with i couldn’t even get/stay hard, let alone perform well or cum.

        Anyway, my advice for you is to get good with your tongue and fingers! Seriously, don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself to fuck like a stud at this point, because that just creates more anxiety. Find other ways to pleasure her for now and just explain that you tend to be nervous with a new partner and that you’ll get better in the bedroom as you grow to know her and become more comfortable around her – which is probably the truth.

        IME girls are surprisingly forgiving with performance issues in the bedroom as long as you’re honest with her and relatively cool with how you tell her. The good news is that with experience you will probably get better – i know i have! :)

  • Reply

    Ariana

    3 months ago

    Alright, so I’m a girl who LOVES her porn. I watch it regularly, by myself, so I want to add my personal experience:
    I’m currently 20. I began looking at porn when I was in 3rd grade. NOT masturbating, just looking. I started when my parents finally took off the parental controls on the computer. When I was six, my brother (age 9 at the time) had said “sex” in the car, and my parents flipped out. When I asked what the big deal was, they simply told me, “It’s how babies are made”. So of course, once they took the parental controls off the computer, I typed “sex” into Yahoo (this was before Google had taken over the world hahaha). I clicked on the first website that popped up, and my mind was instantly BLOWN! I remember being so overwhelmed. It was one of those generic “ad” sites. You know, the ones that are right under the search bar and are usually generic spam sites? Yeah. It had tons of links to other sites and categories, and I had never heard of any of them. “Ebony babes”, “Big tits getting fucked”, “Asian orgies”, etc. I wasn’t turned on or anything, but I remember being like WHAAAAT is this?!? Hahaha. And so after that, a couple times a month or so I would stay up late on the computer (my parents were very lenient, because, like most ADHD-stricken 3rd graders, I had the energy of a squirrel on crack after only an hour of sleep) and explore. Just typing stuff in and seeing what it was. And from there, I went to pictures, stories and then videos. I started masturbating at a very young age, I think around 6th grade (GROSS, I know. It creeps me out just typing it). And anyways, I’ve been doing it semi-regularly since then. Usually at least once or twice a week. There are times when I’ll do it every single day for a week straight, and other times when I feel almost bored by it,and will do it maybe once or twice a month. I’ve found that the boredom is usually caused by a lack of new material, so I’ll spend a bit finding and bookmarking good stuff.
    I definitely agree with your point about needing more intense stuff! Back in the day, I remember when just plain penetration worked. Now I’m into very hardcore stuff…Meatholes is probably my favorite stuff to watch, and occasional Max Hardcore. I also enjoy a lot of stuff starring Kelly Wells. However, for my real-life sex, usually I’m perfectly happy with normal stuff. Kind of rough, with occasional choking and spanking. If a guy tried to make me cry during sex or choke me so hard that my life flashed before my eyes, I would definitely not be okay with that. There are things that I would LIKE to try, but only with somebody who I was dating and trusted. For all of my porn watching, I’m extremely stingy about sex, and have high standards for my partners. No promiscuous sex here. Only after at least three months of exclusive dating! I wouldn’t say that porn influences my life much, really. It certainly gives me a fun thing to bond over with guys! But that’s it. Oh, but I have noticed that if I watch enough of a certain act, I will start to want to try it, even if I initially thought it was disgusting. Like anal, and other stuff.

    I apologize for the novel. But I couldn’t resist sharing. I hope you enjoyed my point of view haha :p

    • Reply

      LeXi

      1 month ago

      So glad you posted that! Sometimes I feel like the only female watching porn. Most girls either don’t watch porn and/or masturbate or just won’t admit to it and it makes me feel like a perv.!!! Like you, I started VERY young but for completely different reasons. So thank you!

      I’ve watched porn for a long time and I’ve wondered from time to time if it were having a negative affect on me. Even though this article is aimed at men, it has got me thinking..

    • Reply

      d

      17 weeks ago

      damn i wish more girls in their early 20s were more open about that.

  • Reply

    sammybee

    2 months ago

    I don’t know how i ended up at this end of the internet, buttt… interesting article.
    My current guy was a heavy porn user when i met him and when we did start sleeping together, he had a lot of trouble climaxing. He now views so much less, to the point where he says it hardly interests him. Our sex life is great now.
    Being honest, if things had continued the way they were, i doubt we’d still be together. I’ve had three long term relationships and none of those men wanted sex at anywhere near the rate at which I did. (They weren’t big porn users – just workaholics!)  While sex isn’t the most important thing, it’s really hard doing without. Sex is fun, relaxing, a stress relief and, well, an immense urge that needs resolving.
    I read a few of the comments, and am astounded at the ignorance. While I realise that it’s easy to think your experience must be the same as the experience of others – well, it just isn’t. if you spend any time on women’s forums – esp. in the relationships forums, you’ll see that women asking for help on gaining more sex from their husbands is pretty common. Some men would rather ‘jerk off’ to porn than have sex with their wives. And some men are just too tired from work demands etc.
    And if you’re thinking I must have got fat or unattractive after marriage & children – you’d be wrong. I look after myself.
     I don’t expect to get it twice per day ( as I would like) every week, but I can do other things in my guys’s ‘down time’. But if a guy was to tell me he needs to watch porn every day to be happy, i wouldn’t try to change him, but I’d kiss him and say goodbye forever. I need sex like I need food, and i don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me as much as I want to be with him.

  • Reply

    Chris

    2 months ago

    I think what everyone needs to try once is the diet from Models. No more porn and 1 day a week masturbation. Within the first 2 weeks psychologically I noticed an immediate change which completely changed my lifestyle. I began making serious eye contact with any woman I found attractive, of all ages (20′s to 50′s). My anxiety was basically almost null in social situations. I spent more time reading, studying, going out, and going to bars. Now unfortunately a week ago I experienced an unintentional experiment. I said shit, I’ve made so much progress on myself, i’ll give myself a reward. So I masturbated to porn 2 days in a row. After that I for that week and the week after I was severely depressed and gained more social anxiety because I had no sex drive and felt like I failed myself. I’m back on the diet and tomorrow is the 5th day with nothing and everything came back. Whenever i’m in the presence of an attractive woman naturally I just gravitate towards them.

    Give yourself no other option except for real world women. Everything changes.

    • Reply

      Mark Manson

      2 months ago

      It really is amazing how fast it takes effect. For some guys it takes longer to feel a change, but I’m like you… I feel the difference almost immediately. I’ve found I can get away with one porn session here and there, but as soon as it becomes two in a row, I feel noticeably sluggish and less frisky for the next few days.

      • Reply

        Chris

        2 months ago

        Exactly. The first day it wasn’t so bad, so I decided to do it again, which led to the sluggishness. Porn is so addicting, but when you remove it completely from your life the benefits are outstanding. I’m 21 years old and i’m at the point where i’ll never watch porn again. It was fun while it lasted in my teenage years and probably more damaging than I have ever imagined, but it’s in the past. For men there needs to be a line to cross where the change is made permanent, because if not you’ll go through 30′s still watching porn. I’m at the confidence level where I can introduce myself to any woman at any time even if I realize i’m being watched and keep myself in control.

        Mark I have a question. If a woman notices me making eye contact with her and she gets really anxious, like, RED in the face but she doesn’t respond negatively, would you approach in this situation? Or would her anxiety turn you off? What is your point of view on this?

  • Reply

    Isaac

    2 months ago

    I think there is a bigger underlying issue. Why is porn so popular? There is a reason, and I am conivnced that the reason is that we human beings -both men and women – are becoming less and less physically attractive. Men watch porn because they are not attractive enough to get the women they desire, but in reality, if you think about it, there are actually very few really desireable women today as well. There are a lot of women that seem attractive, but get them in the bedroom without makeup, and you often see blemishes or flaws. This is so common that ii is commonly assumed that this is normal. Actually, I am convinced it is a result of our agrarion/industrial lifestyle. In the wild, blemishes meant cells that didn’t function optimally, and cells that didn’t function optimally meant death. Now blemished can just be covered up with makeup, and then we want to have sex with the woman, thinking she is beautiful, and then we produce babies with even more blemishes. We shouldn’t be so hard on ourselves for wanting to watch porn; we should be hard on ourselves for not wanting to make ourselves truly attractive again.

    • Reply

      Chris

      2 months ago

      I agree with only the last sentence. You say porn is so popular because we’re becoming less attractive. Did you ever think that we’re becoming less attractive because of porn? Because after watching it we lose all motivation in ourselves and in others to the point we start neglecting ourselves? To settle for pixels on a screen, rather than improve our own lives and strive for the real thing or perhaps an actual relationship?

      “There are a lot of women that seem attractive, but get them in the bedroom without makeup, and you often see blemishes or flaws.”

      Actual human beings have flaws. Actors in porn don’t. They’re not supposed to, because it’s designed to be perfect. When you stop watching porn, women in real life become more attractive. Also in my newly found opinion porn is a drug. I’m currently going for 60 days without it. Then aside from occasionally, never getting into it again. I think I was 2-3 weeks in without it then watched it one day. I felt like I was high that day and the day after, then felt myself returning to normal. I watched it for 5 minutes. Without it, regular orgasms don’t feel near as euphoric. It’s addicting to me, which is why I have no reason to watch it. It also causes a shitload of anxiety in some people (myself included) if watched frequently because the perception of reality and women just changes around you.

      • Reply

        Isaac

        2 months ago

        Actual human beings have flaws, but actual human beings also have the desire to have sex with those without flaws. It is natural. We also know from recent genetic studies that our genes are becoming worse, such that we have more disease and area actually stupider than we used to be (you can do a google search for i)

        I’m not defending pornography. I’m just saying that pornography is not the root cause. Going on a porn diet and then getting horny enough to fuck an ugly girl is better than just watching porn all day, but like you say the main point is that we shouldn’t use porn as an excuse for not continuing to improve ourselves. Porn is not the enemy; we are our own worst enemies.

        • Reply

          Chris

          2 months ago

          I think I understand, nicely put.

  • Reply

    MSPM89

    2 months ago

    Should a no-porn diet include highly sexual scenes in mainstream movies? I think it would be important to mind the distinction or otherwise.

    • Reply

      MSPM89

      2 months ago

      Well, after reading the comments I think it’s clear that, for this “strike”, porn includes any substitute for real approachable women. Fair enough, let’s give it a go.

  • Reply

    Jiminy Cricket

    2 months ago

    well…I’m 35 and have consumed massive amounts of porn since I’d been getting erections from around 6th grade (maybe?). I can still remember the first swimsuit catalog I ripped off from the local book store. Anyway, last year from about January to June I just didn’t watch any porn or anything. I just kinda lost interest. I was never into anything really weird–just really kinky and sometimes degrading stuff, but nothing illegal. I went 6 months w/o consuming any porn, and I think masturbated about 3 times in that stretch. I was really busy finishing school, so it didn’t really occur to me as a sacrifice or something I was trying to do. It just sort of happened. Now I still don’t view very often–I’ll jump online maybe once a month, and otherwise get off to a fantasy while in the shower.

    I’ve noticed 3 strange things that have never happened before since curtailing my porn consumption. #1) Lower sex drive. Way less desire to get it on w/ my girl. No problem doing it, but waiting for it to be over sometimes, and often not orgasming. It’s kind of tough on her since she thinks there’s something wrong with what she’s doing. Ugh. #2) Weird sex dreams about other women including ex’s, girls I wish I’d slept with, and completely fabricated girls in the dream. These are really weird, and the frequency of having them is high. I’ve had a couple stretches of 5 or more nights in a row of sex dreams with women other than my girlfriend. What’s weird is that in years past when I would dream about girl sexually, I wouldn’t be having sex with them. (And I’ve never once had a wet dream.) These days I’m fucking their brains out or gagging them and have rad sex with them in my dreams. It makes me wonder if porn boosted my drive for my girl. #3) Not sure if this is at all related, but I experience complete despair regularly these days. Not sexually, just in general. I feel completely worthless and have constant thoughts of dying or wishing I were.

    When I got into porn, it was out of curiosity. I wanted to learn how to please a woman, and then fall in love with someone whom I could carry out sexual fantasies. When I would watch degrading porn, it was always just for the folly of it–I knew I would never even want to treat a woman like that. But I do wonder if not watching as much porn is killing my desire to be intimate. I’ve got a really cute girlfriend who loves having sex and loves to please me. I just don’t seem as interested as I used to be.

    • Reply

      Willow

      4 weeks ago

      You sound like you are depressed. Perhaps try looking in different areas of your life for reasons why. I really don’t think it has anything to do with porn. Good luck.

  • Reply

    kevin

    2 months ago

    Great Article. I plan to speak about this in my video series as well. Bottom line, Porn, just like any fictional reality TV show or cinema movie takes the beauty out of the everyday because it gives us unrealistic expectations of reality. Stop porn, Delete that favourites folder, women around you will become even more beautiful and you’ll be able to appreciate it better. There’s an added bonus of being exposed to less gigantic cocks. Fuck that 1% minority haha!

  • Reply

    Justin

    1 month ago

    Dear Mark,

    I’m on this masturbation diet thing, but I’m getting blue balls and it hurts so much. I still think about sex, but don’t jerk off. Should I just jack it off and get it over with? (Serious question, promise)

    • Reply

      Mark Manson

      1 month ago

      If it’s physically hurting, then sure, do it. In my book, I recommend doing it once per week.

      But do it WITHOUT looking at anything.

  • Reply

    Morton Henrichsen

    1 month ago

    I simply want to tell you that I am newbie to blogs and truly loved this blog. Almost certainly I’m planning to bookmark your blog . You amazingly have superb writings. Kudos for sharing with us your blog.

  • Reply

    justsomegirl

    1 month ago

    I once had a relationship with “a reasonably attractive, fit man, with a good career.” I loved him deeply. But our sex life was a disaster. He masturbated several times a day and was an avid porn user. We had a great day to day life, with lots of laughs – we were such great friends. But there was no sexuality during the day. There were no lingering looks, no sensual touches, no flirting or romance whatsoever. When he wanted sex it seemed like a switch in him had been thrown, and more importantly, it felt that it had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with me – he was just responding to a bodily feeling like being hungry or having to take a shit or something. I felt his sexual interest in me was only because I was handy and nothing more – I felt like a sperm receptacle. In bed he was clumsy and careless, and I could be sure that one way or another I was going to get physically hurt. I went from having a healthy (maybe even high) sex drive to having NO sex drive whatsoever. We tried and tried to talk about it, but despite whatever I had to say he could only it as a problem with my libido, and sadly I began to see it that way too. He wanted me to exercise more, watch porn, have us have sex with another couple, be okay with him sleeping with other people. Our relationship ended, of course. It took me years to realize there was nothing wrong with my libido – I had excellent sexual relationships before and after this one, but even now, many years later, I sometimes worry about it: am I sexual enough? Are we having sex enough? Do I turn him on enough? I never had these thoughts before my relationship with him.

    Before you start blaming your partner’s libido, maybe you should take a long, hard look at your own behaviours. If she isn’t ‘sexy’ I can guarantee you it’s because in some way she doesn’t feel comfortable, either with her own body, or having sex with you or with your relationship in general or her life in general. Rather than focussing on her frigidity, ask yourself: are you doing everything you can to help her feel comfortable in these areas?

    She shared the reason why she didn’t want to have anal sex, and rather than having compassion for her, you turned it in to some sort of competition that someone else won. Dude! She shared that someone hurt her before she learned it was okay to say no to something you don’t like, and you’re disappointed that she won’t let you hurt her in that same way? Also, just how exactly did you “give up your life for her?” That sounds like you feel entitled to whatever sexual satisfaction you desire, regardless of her feelings.

    • Reply

      Mark Manson

      1 month ago

      Interesting perspective. Thank you for posting this.

    • Reply

      Cake

      20 weeks ago

      I get sick of meeting men who behave like they are in a porn film.

      Where is the fun in getting to know each other, learning about what each other wants, likes and experimenting, when the new man you have just met has seen it all in some tacky porn film, and then tries to mimic what he has seen by doing to you what he has watched in a porn film.

      This is not getting to know someone, only copying the shite you see on the screen.

      The difference is quite obvious when a man is behaving naturally during making love and sex and when he is behaving like the porn star. Stop treating women and yourselves like porn stars and you might have a more fulfilling sex life.

      Wake up guys, get off porn and get real. See what she (or he) likes, don’t try to be anyone but yourself.

  • Reply

    Elle

    1 month ago

    “At around three or four weeks, my sex drive was high and remained that way. My aggression with girls increased, as well as my confidence being sexual around them. I felt little shame or hesitation pushing things further with them, whereas I may have been in the past.”

    I’ve noticed “aggression” being mentioned specifically in the comments, along with choking and spanking. Let’s please be realistic here and understand that if both partners are into it, that is one thing, but the way it reads initially is a VERY slippery slope. Pushing things further = are we getting consent here? Is this mutual interest or is this coercion? If you factor in that many adults are survivors of assault in one way or another, perhaps toning down the language would be helpful (you say you’re more confident, you say you’re less hesitant, but are you acknowledging that the advances are welcomed and encouraged? Because that’s not clear.)

    Otherwise, I am thrilled to see this discussion happening and as one who was forced to watch porn as part of an abusive relationship, welcome a world with fewer porn watchers.

  • Reply

    Seb

    1 month ago

    This is one of the most interesting and significant articles Ive ever read on the internet. I HATE PORN!! It took over my life, fueled by intense drug use, spiraling into 8 hour sessions that seemed to go by in an hour, where sometimes even in 8 hours, I wouldn’t have enough time to jerk off. How ridiculous is that? I had so many links (which I never visited again), pics (which I kept in a hidden file-almost hacker like, and that were hogging my pcs memory) endless virsuses, trojans, and spyware, (that made me a useless expert on internet security), and overall a glorious waste of time, a disgusting absolutely PATHETIC WASTE OF TIME.

    I would take my drugs, drive around, then come home to a “session”. To me that’s ALL I DID EVERY SINGLE FRIKIN NIGHT. Didn’t think about it, just did it. I’m glad I found your article, because I had stopped the drugs, and the porn immensely reduced, but its still there every now and then. I’M DONE. Thank you Mark for your necessary brilliance on this subject, as you have provided some great advice. Porn isn’t fair to women guys, women deserve better than a LAME sexless, impotent bastard. Seriously, how would you feel if your girl brought out endless videos and pics of hot dudes and then kept staring at them with a big, orgasmic, ear to ear smile, as your “trying” to eat her out? Can’t wait to see what kinds of problems will stem from android women. LOL To everyone reading this all I can tell you is FUCK PORN!!

  • Reply

    Chris

    30 weeks ago

    Ok so prior to reading this I have been “trying” to stop pounding off, Porn has never really been an issue, maybe used a little more than it should be but minimal compared to most, I find most online porn is excessive of what I want to see. But as far as stopping the hankey pank i’l only go about a week at a time, would you say its good to stop that completely for a month or the 60 day challenge?

  • Reply

    LikeTheJar

    28 weeks ago

    I could not agree more with this post. As a dating coach myself for an international dating company called A Foreign Affair, I have noticed that many men have problems finding a good woman to settle down with even when the odds are greatly in their favor and they normally shouldn’t have any problems at all. I’ve talked with numbers of guys who are good looking and successful, have no problem dating at all and want to try international dating with us. The guys who tend to be the most problematic are the ones who have standards that are so high, no real person could ever meet their expectations. I kid you not there have been times where I have had a guy tell me a woman had a great body but he wasn’t really into her face, he’d show me her profile or a picture of her and she would be phenominally gorgeous in every way possible! I have often thought about this, that maybe in today’s day and age, porn is so accessible it has to be affecting some people in a negative way, from their social lives to their sex lives. I think I may start pointing some guys to this blog. This is definitely not the first article that I’ve read that I think is absolutely vital to some people’s overall outlook on dating.

    Mason B.
    Dating Consultant
    loveme.com

  • Reply

    Jason

    27 weeks ago

    Mark I have read your book and as much as I hate it, you are right. Porn has desensitized my emotion as well as my psyical reaction to many women I have dated over the years. I would also agree that it has become an addiction. As much as I don’t agree with the many forms of censorship I must say that in the 80s and prior it may have kept things somewhat under control for many men. However today with the Internet and so much porn easily accessed mostly for free and within moments I have to wonder how many relationships, marriages, and families it has destroyed. In many ways the industry is very shady filled with human trafficking adding to more lives destroyed. (and for the sake of argument I do not think its all of them I know one woman who works for herself by doing live shows and is very much a free person).
    I have overcome a few vices in my life, smoking, drugs, and the hardest by far, drinking. The desire to look at porn and masturbate may be every bit as destructive at least as far as relationships go. Perhapse it is very much like the other substances I have mentioned and in moderation is ok…but I agree that it would increase your drive to meet women and I am going to use your program.
    It has been proven by athletes as well as body builders that abstaining increases performance and if this was not true then the market for testosterone enhances would not be as big as it has become. To increase sex drive, I also wonder how many men that buy these products could save a lot of money as well as avoid crazy side effects just by putting the porn down and leaving their dick alone of a few days.

  • Reply

    Goran

    24 weeks ago

    Some things I noticed:

    Not watching porn and not masturbating gives me an instant hit -within a week- of being more social, which seems to normalise after a couple weeks and i go back to being as i was before -unless being social becomes the norm and i dont even notice i am being social-.

    When i tried this 2 years ago after anout a month i started meeting and sleeping with new girls almost once a month -i didnt have time to go out very often- i also accumulated a few fuck buddies and funaly met my current girlfriend and ditched all the other girls. My porn abd masturbation went back to how it was before i stopped it.

    I then did another experiment, of watching porn and not masturbating. This shot my sex drive through the roof, i wanted to fuck my gorlfriend, but i also wanted to fuck every other girl i saw! This was dangerous so o brought back the masturbating.

    I did another experiment of no porn and no masturbating, and both times my sex deive went up and i wanted to fuck other girls but my desire for my GF dissapeared, i had no feelings! Ot was crazy, as soon as i started to watch porn my desire for my GF shot back up.

    - I can only conclude this to the coolage effect -google it if not sure- why i think its the coolage effect: when i stoped porn and masturbation i am only seeing my GF naked and only orgasm/cum with my GF,thus after 5-6 fucks coolage effect kicks in. But when watching porn and masturbating Im really aroused by my GF, and i assume the coolage effect is disrupted as my brain assumes i am fucking more than one woman as im seeing multiple women naked and orgasming/cuming with them, my brain automatically assumes veriety snd abundance and does not trigger the coolage effect, even though my GF is the only actual one im sleeping with my brain registers Dophamine releade to multiple women!

    Just a theory.

    Although i did gonon a 2 week holiday with my GF this summer saw no porn and no masturbating and I was really horny for her so i dont know what to say!

    I am constantly woried if i do mo porn and no masturbation ill lose interest in my GF cos i dont just like her cos shes hot but i like jer personality and everything else.

  • Reply

    nals

    21 weeks ago

    Hi, I came across these articles on a facebook link. I just wanted to ask a question. I’ve been with my husband for 5 years. For the first 2 we had sex at least everyday, but in our 3rd year my father died. I had no interest in sex for a while. My husband has been watching porn since he was young. But now he watches it everytime I’m not home or I’m alseep. We have sex on average once every 2 months. He’s only 26. He tells me it’s a biological nessecity to ‘get off’ about every 4 hours and he doesn’t want to put that burden on me. I’m pretty sure that’s bs. What I want to know is, is it possible for him to watch that much porn and not be affected by it like he says? Or is the porn the problem and he’s just creating the bigger issues to deflect?

  • Reply

    Elcoguy

    21 weeks ago

    Elcoguy
    • a minute ago

    I look at porn because I have
    no other sexual outlet. Despite years of trying I have never been able
    to find a woman who would agree to have sex with me and I cannot afford
    to go to prostitutes. So it seems that should I stop masturbating to
    porn I will then be celibate and, quite frankly, I think my loneliness
    has been punishment enough without adding celibacy to the mix.

    I know most anti porn sites will tell you that once you stop
    watching porn and masturbating suddenly, a woman who will agree to have
    sex with you will magically appear. Well I looked for sexual partners
    for years before I ever laid eyes on porn so somehow I doubt this magic
    girl will suddenly show up in my life if I stop using porn. Sorry, that
    dog won’t hunt, not in my case (and I suspect thousands of others)

    Find me a woman who will have sex with me and I’ll never look at porn again for the rest of my life.

  • Reply

    EatCake

    20 weeks ago

    I get sick of meeting men who behave like they are in a porn film.

    Where is the fun in getting to know each other, learning about what each other wants, likes and experimenting, when the new man you have just met has seen it all in some tacky porn film, and then tries to mimic what he has seen by doing to you what he has watched in a porn film.

    This is not getting to know someone, only copying the shite you see on the screen.

    The difference is quite obvious when a man is behaving naturally during making love and sex and when he is behaving like the porn star. Stop treating women and yourselves like porn stars and you might have a more fulfilling sex life.

    Wake up guys, get off porn and get real. See what she (or he) likes, don’t try to be anyone but yourself.

  • Reply

    Sugarplum

    20 weeks ago

    Reading these posts is very depressing for me as a woman. It makes me want to stay single. I’m not even sure why some of the men here want a girlfriend. One guy can only be turned on to his gf if he watches porn and masterbates regularly. Otherwise he’s only attracted to other women. Ugh I’d hate to be his gf. Other guys somehow think natural beauty is ugly. Have any of you thought about how you’d feel if the tables were turned? If your gf secretly thought you were undesireable compared to the perfect men she masterbates to? If your gf only got turned on by other men? If she had to watch porn and masterbate just to be able to have sex with you?

    • Reply

      James M

      16 weeks ago

      That is indeed extreme; even at my worst I was never like that, partly because I prefer all things natural. But to stay single because of it would be throwing the baby out with the bath water.

  • Reply

    James M

    16 weeks ago

    “I couldn’t help but notice how unhappy and inauthentic the girls in the videos often were.”

    The problem with me is that, while I noticed this the very first time I watched porn (which was initially more to do with curiosity than anything else, being aware of other people doing it), I still watched many times after that, sometimes a lot. It would have been better had I never watched more than once.

    This article has helped me understand my problems with sexuality better. I realise that my boredom with one ex was nothing to do with her or my taste but to do with my being overstimulated by porn. I don’t watch porn these days, helped by the fact that I don’t have internet at home, but sometimes I still get a spontaneous boner at the most random things, mostly masochist-type things. Is that ok?

    One thing I’d add to this is that this is more general than sexuality: you should be spending the majority of your life in the real world, not online, no matter what it is you’re doing online. Otherwise, it negatively affects your life. There’s the term “digital tipping point” about that.

  • Reply

    Kae

    15 weeks ago

    I’ve been married almost four years. I had a very serious breakdown of doubt about our relationship when I realized that my sex drive was unlikely to ever match his well enough. He assured me that we would be together even if I NEVER wanted to have sex. I knew that wasn’t true but appreciated the thought of sacrifice at the time.
    Fast forward and he seems a LOT more okay forgoing sex now. There are other factors like kids, but I know he watches 5 min of porn daily at least. I’m feeling very concerned that my initial concern about unmatched sex drives caused him to overcompensate with porn so he could hang onto me. Do any of the “recovered” guys here have any suggestions on how to broach the subject with him? I have no problem with porn itself, I watch some too, but I’d like to have the focus back on sex TOGETHER. I don’t want him feeling like I’m going to reject him over and over because he has a high sex drive and mine is less high.
    Some of the stories up there struck a chord; most especially the woman who said her partner was like a switch (wanting it right away without any type of physical buildup then not wanting anything for days). Should I suggest a porn diet that runs concurrently with a “sex binge” on my side? What to do?

    • Reply

      Jose Espenosa

      4 weeks ago

      I am *definitely* not an expert, but I would say that it’s going to take communication and effort on both of your parts – there is no “one-size fits all solution” for this kind of situation. Marriage is about working together – not competing (not saying you are, of course) – sometimes you lead, and sometimes you follow. It’s unfortunate that most communication with people you’ve been involved with for a long time can get so freakin’ emotionally charged that it can feel like you’re speaking a different language – especially if the “issue” at hand has been festering for a while. A suggestion would be to sit down and talk about it from the standpoint of finding common ground and working outwards from there. Be as honest and open as you can push yourself to be. Avoid blame – never say “You make me XXXX…” but it’s perfectly fine to say “I feel this way ….” so that neither party feels that blame is being tossed around. Focus on what you want in common, look at what you would like beyond that, and compromise and experiment to find a happy medium. Try a different routine and see if it works for both of you – if it doesn’t, talk about it and see if you can find the sticking point and fix it. Don’t be afraid to trash it and try something different. The people I know who have great marriages work their asses off at it – but they all say the work is worth it.

  • Reply

    Caiya

    15 weeks ago

    Hello everyone, um I found this article simply browsing for a solution to my boyfriend’s issue (at least, I don’t know exactly what it is…). I’m 21, he’s 24 and I’m so torn. I’ve fantasized about him for a while…we finally met and things are nice exxxxxcept….he can’t seem to have sex with me. I have NEVER been given an orgasm by any one other than myself and I guess that’s okay because I really like to please my partner. I don’t care if I finish or not, I love blowjobs and I’m not exactly a fan of the favor being returned but he won’t even let me perform oral.
    I felt it was my fault but he swore it wasn’t. I’m 5’6, I’ve got DD’s (that are surprisingly sitting upright because I dance), I have a lot of hips, thick thighs, light eyes…but it just doesn’t stay up for me.
    I read this article and saw a few similar “symptoms” I’ve noticed in the bedroom so I think this may be it. He can foreplay for hours and it’s usually SUPER rough. So bad I kicked him this one time..(not like a Chun Li kick but…oops?) because he was fingering me so aggressively anddd as an added BONUS: He hadn’t the shortest of fingernails. I mean I was near tears last night from so much pain. He LOVES my breasts and when he puts them in his mouth I’m constantly screaming “OW!” and he doesn’t stop, I try to grab him because of the pain and he commands me not to touch him or pins my arms behind my back. This one time I sat on top of him (we were both fully clothed welllll sorta) and there he was, leeching away and I moved my hips on him and he stopped me while exclaiming that I was about to make him cum.
    It’s about to be the 6th month and I haven’t had sex with him yet. I really like him. I just have a SUPER high sex drive. Vibrators are my best friend (actually-a tie with the Grocery Store where I can purchase ALLLLLL THEIR AA BATTERIES bwhahahahaha–em *clears throat*) but I masturbate almost every day now because I’m so horny and he doesn’t let me do anything! I really would like to fuck his brains out but he’s not staying up.
    I don’t know if he watches a lot of porn. Before reading this article, I wouldn’t have thought so because he’s very busy and focused on his work and career path where’s the time for porn?
    What should I do? :( I’d ask but I’m not sure if guys would feel weirded out, embarrassed, offended…?

    • Reply

      Kae

      13 weeks ago

      Honestly, at six months, I think you are best off cutting your losses. He very much sounds addicted to porn. Maybe as long as ten years now. Tell him straight up that his porn addiction makes him incapable of pleasing you and let him know you’d like him to contact you after he’s recovered and has been off if at least three months. Then cut off communication with him entirely. He’s not paying attention to any of your body cues and isn’t worried about your pleasure. Sex matters too much to tolerate that. Cut him off. Let him understand this is a real problem. The more you tolerate it, the less it concerns him. If the connection is great, he’ll shape up and come back. If not, he wasn’t ever going to be worried about your sexual pleasure and you will have been lucky to get out when you did.

      • Reply

        GtrHro

        11 weeks ago

        EIther that, or he’s hiding a “little” secret if you know what I mean.

  • Reply

    Jay Johnson

    13 weeks ago

    I have one question, i gave up porn and been porn free for almost 2 months. But I started masterbating once a week WITHOUT any porn (might change it to once every two weeks) and I dont think about porn, i have been masterbating since I was 14. Will this ruin my sex life?

  • Reply

    Zeke

    12 weeks ago

    Found this article while searching for help. It felt like you were speaking to me. I am in my 20′s and in a very happy relationship, but my sexual frustration is off the charts, and I now believe it is porn induced. I believe I am bordering on addiction, and my life and sex life are suffering. I am heading to the no-more-porn thread now.

  • Reply

    blackhawk

    12 weeks ago

    I think your wife is cheating on you.

  • Reply

    OpticFanatic

    11 weeks ago

    I have been watching porn since I noticed that I get aroused by naked girls. Actually I am not sure if Porn is the right word since I am mostly into striptease / solo girls / two girls stuff. Anyway …..I am now over 40 years old and after reading Marks book I am in a relationship …..probably the first real one in my whole life. Well …..I got my first girl friend when I was about 24 years old but I am not sure if this was a real relationship.

    My problem is that I got older but my taste about girls did not change and maybe even got more picky (about model type of girls). My girl friend is 8 years younger than I am and looks pretty hot. I get aroused by her …..but there are girls who attract me more. For example when I go into a strip club there are usually at least a few girls who arouse me much more.

    Unfortunately my girl friend does not allow me to watch porn or go to strip tease clubs. Maybe I could talk her into watching porn with me together …..did not try that yet.

    So far I am trying to stay away from porn and hoping that my desires about watching porn and looking (starring) at model type of girls disappear. But I am not sure if it works out. I have to confess that sometimes when I have sex with my girl friend I think about some porn models …..not always ……but sometimes. As hot as my girl friend is …….in a strip club she would not be my first choice (but I am very very picky when I go into a strip club).

    While I was watching porn regularly I mostly never watched the same clip again and was constantly looking for a new model / clip …..

    I am not quite sure yet how my life would look like if I never would have watched porn or visited strip clubs but I guess it “helped” me to have an almost unnatural picture about girls. When I am alone I need to force myself to not watch any porn so far. But I like to try to see if it helps and I can have a healthy relationship with my girl friend. I guess as long as I have desires for a 100% perfect body it will be hard.

    I very often wondered about couples ……I mean when they got older ……is it possible to develop a “healthy taste” about the female body. I mean a taste which correlates to your own age.

    So far I am pretty far away from it and I guess that watching porn for about 2 decades is part of my problem.

  • Reply

    Sexless Sam

    9 weeks ago

    Porn isn’t all bad. For those of s who cannot, for various reasons have skin to skin sex with a woman porn is a godsend, especially as we get older and need more visual stimulation to get aroused. My wife stopped having sex with me 20 years ago. I don’t want to break up the family andhurt the kids by getting a divorce and my wife and I get along fine other than the no sex thing, so masturbation and porn has been my only outlet for almost 2 decades. Not everyone can simply stop masturbating and suddenly a willing sexual partner will suddenly appear. For many sexually lonely men, that is simply a fairy tale.

  • Reply

    jayjay kombacker

    8 weeks ago

    These are buffer posts!

  • Reply

    Eve

    7 weeks ago

    Mark, thank you SO MUCH for writing this article. My 2nd boyfriend ever had a porn addiction and it didn’t take long to start ruining our sex life. I’d come over and strip down seductively in a new, sexy sheer bra and panties, and he’d just…roll over and go to sleep. I’d look at his computer, and lo and behold — he had jerked off to porn an hour or so before I came over. We talked about it again and again and after denying it (blaming a roommate using his computer, etc), then finally being FORCED into admitting to it, then claiming he’d stop …only for me to catch it again and again and again… I finally had to end the relationship. I am a highly sexual person, I’m especially intuitive about what my partner wants and likes. I’ve always been this way and past lovers have all commented on it and those I still hear from tell me (inappropriate, boundaries-violating, but nonetheless…) that they still fantasize about me. Even that ex-boyfriend tells mutual friends that he still thinks about me. So sad that he continued to choose porn over real, actual sex, to the point that I couldn’t stay in an otherwise happy, committed relationship with him without sacrificing my own sexual needs. Also sad: the porn he chose was mostly this one particular fetish — one he never brought up with me. If he had done so, we could have explored it together. Oh, well!

    Anyway, this relationship caused me to enforce a rule that I don’t date men who use porn in a relationship (and I’m pretty weary of dating men who use it at all, ever). Of course, I’ve ended up dating a good deal of men who chose to mislead me about their use of porn, for whatever reason. These men wanted long-term relationships with me, and foolishly believed that their use of porn would not permeate other areas of our relationship and cause the same problems that I have learned to recognize pretty quickly — erectile difficulty, not finishing, disinterest in sexy REAL-LIFE interactions while within moments having a keen interest in on-screen sexy visuals, “wandering eye” syndrome, pulling away from intimacy at random, being oblivious (or just nonresponsive) to overt sexual advances and flirtations that are normally fun and exciting and well-received, and things like not even noticing they haven’t had sex with their partner in a week or more. Some of these things have other causes, obviously–and hilariously, some of them are also symptoms of CHEATING, which is why I refer to this as “porn-cheating”–but when a few or all of these things have started happening in a relationship, I’ve always found porn to be a factor. Whether the porn came into play first or as a result of these tendencies/developments, I can’t say for sure, but I just prefer not to get involved with porn guys in the first place for this reason. I’ve stayed sexually exuberant throughout all of my relationships, however long, so: pretty sure I deserve to not have to share my sex partner with a screen. Saddest of all: even when these men admitted that porn was the problem, they didn’t/couldn’t/wouldn’t give it up, even when I gave them plenty of time, patient understanding, and support to do so. It’s a pathetically tragic reason for an otherwise fun and great relationship to die.

    I would like to add to this, because you talk about how it affects mens’ sex lives, and the point that most men argue with me on this is that they are “casual” porn users, and “not addicted to porn.” The inherent problem with men even using porn “casually” is that it creates an environment of hiding things and lying about it. This is destructive to intimacy any way you look at it. Then there is the thing most men don’t recognize–probably because most people just aren’t that perceptive or self-aware–women, included. Many of my male friends and exes who don’t use porn have also said what you say: that porn changes the way they look at women, and that this altered perception bothers them. They see women walking by as a pair of Ts and A. They objectify complete strangers, and become sort of “consumers of female flesh,” sitting back and taking it in, wherever they may be. These men who have said this to me told me they don’t watch porn for that reason.

    I would also like to add another reason — sort of the flip side of why I do not use sex toys whether I’m single or not. I don’t wish to be dependent on something outside real, actual sex to climax. Sex is inventive and amazing and fun – I don’t need to mess that up for myself by introducing a dependency on oversized vibrating dildos with french…tickles…or something. Similarly, I wouldn’t want to be dependent on porn for either arousal OR climax, and I think that is inevitable when you watch it, even casually. If you let yourself think of the real world as too mundane, you can also lose your ability to be satisfied in it.

    And in reply to those men who posted here about how porn is a “godsend” to men who are in a commitment situation where they aren’t getting sex — are you SURE that it’s not simply that you turn to porn rather than romancing her and making those special efforts that make a woman FEEL sexual in a long-term relationship? Keeping up sexual interest over the LONG-long-term takes work. Passion IS restorable if both parties are on board for it. Also, some women might be frigid in general or just less sexual, but sometimes they are that way for a REASON and you should talk to them about it rather than just GIVE UP and turn to porn. There ARE sex therapists, and they exist for a reason. If you’re not sexually matched to your partner but you’re already super invested (marriage, kids, house, etc.), maybe you can have agreements about how your sexual needs get met and that can be fine. And I absolutely agree that there is a place for porn and strip clubs in the world — my friend who have been in porn and been strippers, etc, have said a good deal of the regulars are men with mental retardation or pock-marked faces and no apparent redeeming personality qualities — men who my sex-industry friends are PRETTY SURE cannot ever actually score with a real live woman. I don’t think that most men qualify there, though. And just giving up and turning to porn is only sending the chances of your sex life getting better in the opposite direction.

    • Reply

      Gee

      5 weeks ago

      Brilliant post Eve. You’ve summed it up so intelligently.

      I’ve recently given up on a relationship with yet another porn addicted man – being sick to death of [almost all] the symptoms you list. I don’t want to fall into the same trap again. I wish they’d be honest at the outset. The truth does become obvious and there’s just heartache down the road for both partners.

      Maybe someone will make a dating site for fapstronauts soon – the men who’ve quit using porn, and the women who want a man with this lovely quality.

    • Reply

      H

      4 weeks ago

      Thank you for being real!

  • Reply

    SexlessSam

    7 weeks ago

    Like many articles, advice columns and blogs dealing with porn, the writer encourages men to slow down or stop the porn and masturbation so they can perform with a real life sexual partner. But there are many men who, for any number of reasons, can’t have sex with a real person and who have no other choice but to masturbate, with or without porn in order to satisfy their sexual urges.

    Men who suffer from depression, personality disorders, low self esteem, social phobia, handicaps, old age or anxiety based sexual dysfunction when attempting sex with a partner (if they can find one) all turn to masturbation as their only sexual outlet. In my case my wife doesn’t like sex and has refused having sex with me for over 10 years. Neither of us believes in divorce we have two kids and we get along fine except for the lack of sex. We went to numerous therapists over a 3 year period and none could help us. So for me, if I didn’t masturbate- and yes I also use porn as it enhances the experience- I would be celibate.

    So keep in mind that for those men who cannot have sex with a partner, porn and masturbation is a godsend.

  • Reply

    Glenn

    6 weeks ago

    Hey,

    If you don’t have an addiction(maybe a little) but you jerk off to porn everyday and start feeling like it’s hard to keep you’re erection when you’re having sex with you’re girlfriend. I mostly lose my erection when penetrating my girlfriend because i don’t feel anything(no condom) Is this all me?

    My question is: Is it better to jerk off without porno?

    Thanks alot.

    P.s sorry for my bad english :)

  • Reply

    His Majesty

    5 weeks ago

    Thanks for sharing your taught guys, the issue is, do women also go through porn addiction and masturbation?

  • Reply

    Madison

    5 weeks ago

    This article has opened my eyes to a whole new world. My boyfriend loves porn, watches it constantly (we are in a long distance relationship right now), which doesn’t bother me when I’m not there to be with him. (Let me also say that we have an amazing sex life and he has never had a problem getting it up and have sex multiple times a day when we’re together.) But when we’re together, he occasionally wants us to watch it before having sex, as foreplay. It didn’t used to bother me but now I feel that he’s almost unable to separate me from a porn star, and I almost feel like I have to perform when I’m having sex with him. It’s all making sense to me now. It’s so hard to know if he wants to be with me, or the porn star that I now am in his eyes. We also have made our own videos and he watches them when I’m not there. It just all feels like a big mess and I don’t know how to fix it without hurting his feelings.

  • Reply

    A.

    4 weeks ago

    I know this is horrible to think but if men are addicted to porn and their habits compromise the sexual relationship, then maybe their girlfriend might go find sex elsewhere, on the sly. Just like a man says if she doesn’t put out, he’ll go find it elsewhere, well… same concept.

  • Reply

    Jake

    1 day ago

    Has anyone considered the link between human trafficking and pornography? Many trafficked women (children and men as well) are forced into the sex industry, which is easily one of the largest industries in the world. This should come as no surprise, since it has the highest demand.

    The sex you’re watching is between real human beings, not robots. Do you know where your porn comes from and whether its actors are taking part out of their own free will? If all of the previously stated negative effects of porn aren’t enough to stop you, you might want to consider what you could be contributing to. The effects of an individual’s actions are never solely limited to himself.

  • Reply

    ganderson46

    2 months ago

    I have been on porn diets before for up to 60 days, and they have helped me. I believe that porn had adversely affected my sex drive, and contributed to the demise of my marriage of 20 years. The bottom line to me is that porn can be an escape from real relationships with real women, which are far more enriching and rewarding than porn.

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