Ask Me Anything

Below are questions that have been submitted for me to answer. Logged in members can upvote any question by clicking the up arrow next to it. Every few months I’ll pick some of the most upvoted questions (as well as some other questions I think are particularly good) and answer them in one of my Ask Me Anything videos.

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84

When are you standards for dating too high, and how should you moderate/lower them to a more balanced one?

I seem to only be attracted to the most beautiful people, or to decently looking people when I find them very interesting. I've noticed that I'm specially drawn to physical beauty, and in this regard people… (Show more)

I seem to only be attracted to the most beautiful people, or to decently looking people when I find them very interesting. I've noticed that I'm specially drawn to physical beauty, and in this regard people I know have a much lower standard than I.

This is just a very short background; I'm mostly interested in the question in general, not how it applies to my particular case.

70

Good social habits?

ex: make eye contact, stand up straight, instead of questions make statements. Track 15 of "Models" audiobook

62

How do I not feel like my whole life revolves around my job?

Don't get it wrong, I love what I do, but sometimes I feel like my work becomes my life. I can't completely disconnect from work. My brain keeps thinking about pending research and ideas I want… (Show more)

Don't get it wrong, I love what I do, but sometimes I feel like my work becomes my life. I can't completely disconnect from work. My brain keeps thinking about pending research and ideas I want to explore. Sometimes it feels just too much.

61

How do you deal with people who treat you as if you were inferior?

... If you really don't want to play their headgames right back at them because it's exhausting, a waste of energy and makes you feel ugly inside.

56

How often do you daydream about your future, your goals, and does that ever get in the way of actually accomplishing your wishes, goals, etc.?

53

What are the best practices when texting a dating partner ?

I worked a lot on myself and I'm confortable having dates and seeing the person "in real life". Though, everytime I seem to sabotage myself when it comes to texting : I get ahead of myself,… (Show more)

I worked a lot on myself and I'm confortable having dates and seeing the person "in real life". Though, everytime I seem to sabotage myself when it comes to texting : I get ahead of myself, I feel impatient, show neediness by texts and I often realize it only when it's too late.

52

What do you think you'll give a fuck about when you're 60?

I'm 62!

51

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

I've suffering from BPD since teenage years. I was an unwanted child, given away less than one week from birth, to an unloving family. At the age of one, I was transferred to another family. I… (Show more)

I've suffering from BPD since teenage years. I was an unwanted child, given away less than one week from birth, to an unloving family. At the age of one, I was transferred to another family. I was abused by my foster mother. She physically and verbally tortured me. She made sure that I was reduced to nothing. I have attempted suicide since I was a teenager, but the fighter (or chicken?) in me wouldn't do anything irreversible. So far, I managed to get through life, with much turbulences and craziness, dosing myself with various kind of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. I am sick and tired of living with this brain of mine. I tried all ways to get rid of its demons - pain, fear and rage. I am highly intelligent but lack the emotional stability to be successful in life. I have zero capability to make any friend. I hate people. Dear Mark, is there a way out for me?

48

What advice could you give to someone trying to give up binge eating?

Hi Mark. I've been wanting to write to you about this for a while. Thank you for the opportunity! I've read your post about the boy who lost huge amount of weight and also your post… (Show more)

Hi Mark. I've been wanting to write to you about this for a while. Thank you for the opportunity! I've read your post about the boy who lost huge amount of weight and also your post on how you quit smoking. I find these very inspiring and relatable. I began binge eating years ago and even though I try to break the cycle, I still do it. Feeling anxious and having the urge, the overeating, the horrible effects from this including guilt and gaining weight and then realising this has to stop. Then trying to loose this weight, be healthy and not sucumbe to the urges. I guess my question is, what advice could you give me and people that seem to be in this specific cycle with food? Why can't I stop it??
Any thoughts or advice would be most welcome. There are other things I wanted to ask but I've upvoted similar ones to the ones I had in mind.
Looking forward to your video,
Best wishes
Gaby
From Oxford

48

How do I prevent and deal with regret.

I guess half my life has gone by right now, and I feel sorry for opportunities I've missed and decisions I've taken. How can one deal with such. I don't want to become or stay bitter.

47

What is your opinion on human existence that lasts about a "blink of an eye" metaphorically speaking on a tiny rock in a massive universe(assuming you hold no religious belief)?

Life in the universe appears to be an "accident" and at some point in the future no-one will know we were ever here - so what's the point of anything(sorry for sounding morbid),probably think too much… (Show more)

Life in the universe appears to be an "accident" and at some point in the future no-one will know we were ever here - so what's the point of anything(sorry for sounding morbid),probably think too much about shit like this!

46

Why is it that so many men (e.g., Roger Ales, Bill O’Reilly, Harvey Weinstein) who achieve positions of power think it’s OK to sexually harass women?

44

I want to be less focused on certain physical aspects of my girlfriend

My GF had double a mastectomy, the surgeon botched the reconstructive surgery, the nipple did not survive on either breast, both implants are fucked up with a lot of scaring, doesn't look to pretty. Everything about… (Show more)

My GF had double a mastectomy, the surgeon botched the reconstructive surgery, the nipple did not survive on either breast, both implants are fucked up with a lot of scaring, doesn't look to pretty. Everything about this woman is amazing, but I find myself obsessing over what she doesn't have, those were my favorite parts if you know what I mean. I feel like a shallow, lame person.

44

What the fuck is chemistry?

I know there's a lot written about compatibility, but can you go into more detail about chemistry? Why do we instinctively connect (both platonically and romantically) with some people and not at all with others, for… (Show more)

I know there's a lot written about compatibility, but can you go into more detail about chemistry? Why do we instinctively connect (both platonically and romantically) with some people and not at all with others, for better or worse?

Chemistry feels like an enigma and I was wondering if you could go through the invisible matchmaker known as chemistry.

42

How do you decide which battles are worth fighting?

41

What is a best friend?

I feel like in today’s society the term “best friend” is thrown around so casually so I wanted to hear your thoughts more on the topic and how you know if someone is your best friend… (Show more)

I feel like in today’s society the term “best friend” is thrown around so casually so I wanted to hear your thoughts more on the topic and how you know if someone is your best friend and distinguishing that and a close friend. I found your article on the five different types of relationships with people/friendships very interesting and just wanted to understand your views on friendships more.

37

How to secelect the right non fiction books for me to read?

There are of course several options like some ranking sites etc. But still, also crapy books may score pretty high in those. So I would like to ask how and where to look for books which… (Show more)

There are of course several options like some ranking sites etc. But still, also crapy books may score pretty high in those. So I would like to ask how and where to look for books which may give me the most value? And what is your attitude to summerize them for database? Do you take notes while reading, or do you sum them up in the end? Some tips on this topic?

37

Why do I fear having friends in different circles meet each other?

It would be far simpler to have most of my friends in their mid to late twenties come to events that I'm interested, and yet I find myself trying to come up with the perfect cocktail… (Show more)

It would be far simpler to have most of my friends in their mid to late twenties come to events that I'm interested, and yet I find myself trying to come up with the perfect cocktail of who will get along with who. How do I relinquish this social control and lean into the fact that some friends could potentially not get along, and not see this as a reflection of their thoughts about me?

37

Sex & marriage : how do you keep it spicy?

35

Is striving for perfectionism self-defeating?

Whenever I commit to doing something that would benefit me and my life, be it eliminating bad habits, a change in diet, working out, etc. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to doing… (Show more)

Whenever I commit to doing something that would benefit me and my life, be it eliminating bad habits, a change in diet, working out, etc. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to doing things right, without fail.

'I can't miss my workout today, no matter what'

'I have to eat only specific types of food everyday and not go over my calorie limit'

'I need to wake up everyday at 5:30AM without fail'

These are just some examples of what goes on in my head, but it goes for everything I set my sights on.

This need to do things right and to not skip new habits takes a lot out of me. It takes a lot of discipline and willpower to stick with it, and ultimately, I end up failing to meet my own standards, which results in me feeling bad and reverting back to old habits.

My brother keeps telling me 'These are just made-up rules in your head. You don't need to attain perfection. These self-imposed rules only hurt your progress at anything you want to achieve.'

I know the answer is that perfectionism is a made-up ideal in our heads and nobody can attain it, and that it's okay to fail, but I'd really love for you to give a detailed answer on how to overcome the tendency to want to be perfect all the time whilst trying to build new habits and eliminating old ones.

Thank you.

35

What are the practical steps that I can take to move from an ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT TYPE to a SECURE ATTACHMENT TYPE?

33

What are some tips/advice to help overcome intellectualization?

You mentioned intellectualization in one of your past videos which made me realize that is something I do.. in almost every aspect of my life.. so I started to research it. In the video you had… (Show more)

You mentioned intellectualization in one of your past videos which made me realize that is something I do.. in almost every aspect of my life.. so I started to research it. In the video you had said the best thing to do is to stop so I researched how to stop... see what I mean?

32

How do you know if you've written something good?

I want to be a writer but whenever I produce something I end up feeling like it's terrible. We submitted some creating writings in my class at Uni and I specifically asked the professor to comment… (Show more)

I want to be a writer but whenever I produce something I end up feeling like it's terrible. We submitted some creating writings in my class at Uni and I specifically asked the professor to comment on mine but he didn't respond. I know he's said earlier that you should try to get something published somewhere and that's how you know - but that seems like such a huge step, especially if you don't believe in your ability to do what you're doing (yet).

30

You’ve dated MANY woman. Why did you ‘choose’ your wife?

You’ve likely emotionally connected deeply with many women. So how did you know to ‘pick’ this one instead of another? Why not one of the earlier women, or why not wait longer for a different woman… (Show more)

You’ve likely emotionally connected deeply with many women. So how did you know to ‘pick’ this one instead of another? Why not one of the earlier women, or why not wait longer for a different woman - what made you decide to commit / marry to this one?

29

With everything you've accomplished in your life, would you say you've found happiness?

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