Ask Me Anything

Below are questions that have been submitted for me to answer. Logged in members can upvote any question by clicking the up arrow next to it. Every few months I’ll pick some of the most upvoted questions (as well as some other questions I think are particularly good) and answer them in one of my Ask Me Anything videos.

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5

How many of your relationship topics are inspired by your own life?

Your articles often dwell into the psychology of the how we view relationships and you frequently mention your "player days" in regards to it being an unhealthy life choice with some bad core beliefs. So when… (Show more)

Your articles often dwell into the psychology of the how we view relationships and you frequently mention your "player days" in regards to it being an unhealthy life choice with some bad core beliefs.

So when writing about things like cheating, the madonna/whore complex, or STDs do you speak from experience because, at some point, you went through these issues, or do you simply find these topics interesting to write about?

3

Can provocation be useful when discussing important issues?

I have done quite some workshops and classes on communication and something that I have noticed is that so many instructors claim that provocation should not be part of discussions. By using the word "provocative" I… (Show more)

I have done quite some workshops and classes on communication and something that I have noticed is that so many instructors claim that provocation should not be part of discussions. By using the word "provocative" I do not mean "offending", although many people feel offended in a situation that is provocative.

As an example: I work as a volunteer in an NGO. Our aim is to fight poverty and social inequality. The work I do is more practical and you don't need to be a philosopher on those matters. Yet there are many intrigues and feuds among volunteers when it comes to everyday business. I find those kind of conflicts very straining and useless. On top of that, we forget about the big picture: What are we doing this for? Why did we start our work here? I wrote a letter addressing these conflicts and tried to remind us of our common goal. And I called these feuds infantile. I knew what was coming after that. I knew I did not show empathy and understanding. But that is not what I intended. Now I have to face a lot of criticism which I am fine with. But I wonder: Did my way of thinking ("provocation can be useful") sabotage my goal? Or was that "defeat" inevitable?

However, I think provocation is sometimes necessary to just start a discussion and to make others aware of a specific issue, more than non-violent communication and such could so. Am I mistaken?

16

How do I deal with paradigms?

My father often said things that were basically installed in my mind: “If it was that simple someone else would have already done it” or “Starting Monday I will change everything” meaning being on a diet,… (Show more)

My father often said things that were basically installed in my mind: “If it was that simple someone else would have already done it” or “Starting Monday I will change everything” meaning being on a diet, working on XYZ, etc.

I know that and believe I have come a long way dealing with this. But I still catch myself sometimes procrastinating (waiting for Monday) or not putting in the effort (fearing it might be for nothing). The latter does not only happen in my career but also in my marriage, which I am very afraid of.

Do you have any idea how to deal with this?

1

What do you think about the Boy Scouts now accepting women?

25

How to secelect the right non fiction books for me to read?

There are of course several options like some ranking sites etc. But still, also crapy books may score pretty high in those. So I would like to ask how and where to look for books which… (Show more)

There are of course several options like some ranking sites etc. But still, also crapy books may score pretty high in those. So I would like to ask how and where to look for books which may give me the most value? And what is your attitude to summerize them for database? Do you take notes while reading, or do you sum them up in the end? Some tips on this topic?

39

Is it better to start dating someone you like before you're in love with them, or should you just wait until you're in love, then start dating them?

20

With everything you've accomplished in your life, would you say you've found happiness?

17

How do you decide which battles are worth fighting?

15

Grief relief

In the last four years I have watched my dad and Mom die in a nursing home. My brother (best friend) die from hep C. My sister in law and her husband die in a head… (Show more)

In the last four years I have watched my dad and Mom die in a nursing home. My brother (best friend) die from hep C. My sister in law and her husband die in a head on with a semi truck SD just a couple of weeks ago. They were so close myself and my wife! And then my rock-roll- brother hung himself in his backyard. Him and I were roadies togeather in mid 70s. We had loved each other as brothers. So life is pretty tough as I type this. tears again. hd
I also was rapped by a fucking close friend of my parents when I was about about 12 or 13. That last issue is still fucking with me. I only told my wife a few months ago. She was and still is the only person I’ve ever told.... (this is the one that still fucks with my head! ??

28

What is your opinion on human existence that lasts about a "blink of an eye" metaphorically speaking on a tiny rock in a massive universe(assuming you hold no religious belief)?

Life in the universe appears to be an "accident" and at some point in the future no-one will know we were ever here - so what's the point of anything(sorry for sounding morbid),probably think too much… (Show more)

Life in the universe appears to be an "accident" and at some point in the future no-one will know we were ever here - so what's the point of anything(sorry for sounding morbid),probably think too much about shit like this!

10

What do you do when you and someone else are "fuck yes" for each other, but at different "levels"?

For example, take Bob and Sally. Bob is "fuck yes" for being more than friends with Sally, but Sally is only "fuck yes" for being close friends with Bob. How do they handle this situation? Is… (Show more)

For example, take Bob and Sally. Bob is "fuck yes" for being more than friends with Sally, but Sally is only "fuck yes" for being close friends with Bob. How do they handle this situation? Is it possible for them to land at the lowest denominator (in this case, being close friends) and be content with that, or is the relationship doomed to always to have tension between these two "levels"?

43

What's the best way to overcome the anxiety you have based on previous decisions and the thought that you're too far gone to make it all right again?

12

He's dating her, but still communicating with me on a daily basis. We can't seem to just let go of each other. Do I tell him to fuck off, even when I really don't want to?

It's like he's something that I never want to leave my life, and as long as he's giving me the attention, I'm going to soak it up. Fucking weakness, man.

26

How often do you daydream about your future, your goals, and does that ever get in the way of actually accomplishing your wishes, goals, etc.?

10

Am I not in to her/him because I'm intimidated, or because she/he just isn't my type

Sometimes when a very beautiful girl is attracted to me and into me, I question why I don't feel the same way. Maybe I'm just not Lusting, because I do see her as an amazing person and beautiful women.

1

Why did it take so long and why did it take a dream?

Mark, I was married for 23 years and most of it we had to deal with my ex's alcoholism. As you can imagine it wasn't good. The last ten years I wanted out but worried to… (Show more)

Mark, I was married for 23 years and most of it we had to deal with my ex's alcoholism. As you can imagine it wasn't good. The last ten years I wanted out but worried to much about how she was going to handle things. And I worried about havoing to start over myself. About two years before I left I met a lady at work. For about two years we became good friends but nothing else. No outside communications, just at work. Eventually I fell for her big time. I finally realized I needed to leave my marriage if I felt this way. It was a mess leaving but I did and tried to have a relationship with this friend. She wanted it to. The first few months were great but eventually it fell apart much to my chagrine. It took me a year and a half to get over my new woman. And it took a dream I had to do it. My question is three part. Why did I feel more for leaving her than my ex? And why did it take so long for me to move on from my after marriage relationship? And why did it take a dream to clear my mind? I was pretty torn up after the other woman and I didn;t work out. Thanks Kent

16

How do I learn to cope with feeling severely embarrassed? I'm a college student and when something embarrassing happens to me I shut down and feel awful about myself and over think everything.

I shut down when something embarrassing happens. It usually ends up with me crying and becoming even more self conscious. I know low self esteem has a lot to do with it, but I would love a suggested coping method.

28

Why is it that so many men (e.g., Roger Ales, Bill O’Reilly, Harvey Weinstein) who achieve positions of power think it’s OK to sexually harass women?

24

Good social habits?

ex: make eye contact, stand up straight, instead of questions make statements. Track 15 of "Models" audiobook

19

Is striving for perfectionism self-defeating?

Whenever I commit to doing something that would benefit me and my life, be it eliminating bad habits, a change in diet, working out, etc. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to doing… (Show more)

Whenever I commit to doing something that would benefit me and my life, be it eliminating bad habits, a change in diet, working out, etc. I always put a lot of pressure on myself to doing things right, without fail.

'I can't miss my workout today, no matter what'

'I have to eat only specific types of food everyday and not go over my calorie limit'

'I need to wake up everyday at 5:30AM without fail'

These are just some examples of what goes on in my head, but it goes for everything I set my sights on.

This need to do things right and to not skip new habits takes a lot out of me. It takes a lot of discipline and willpower to stick with it, and ultimately, I end up failing to meet my own standards, which results in me feeling bad and reverting back to old habits.

My brother keeps telling me 'These are just made-up rules in your head. You don't need to attain perfection. These self-imposed rules only hurt your progress at anything you want to achieve.'

I know the answer is that perfectionism is a made-up ideal in our heads and nobody can attain it, and that it's okay to fail, but I'd really love for you to give a detailed answer on how to overcome the tendency to want to be perfect all the time whilst trying to build new habits and eliminating old ones.

Thank you.

41

Why do we pick up 'bad' habits so easily but have to work so hard to start a 'good' habit.

11

Are people who are in the self-help realm the most fucked up?

Are the people who give out self-help advice the ones who actually the most fucked up and have had the most trauma in their lives? Are those who seek it ficked up as well or are we all just crazy?

11

If someone must see just one place in the world, what should it be?

Do you have a specific thing or place someone must see and you can only name one? A monument, national park, street, city, country, festival,etc.

13

Where's one place you've always wanted to travel to but haven't gone yet?

Name a place you've been wanting to see but haven't been yet?

4

How can I get hired if employer is blackballing me?

I've read your book and joined your training videos and wholeheartedly believe in what you teach. I'm a former Photonics Technician and had a nervous breakdown decades ago and lost my career due to some very… (Show more)

I've read your book and joined your training videos and wholeheartedly believe in what you teach.

I'm a former Photonics Technician and had a nervous breakdown decades ago and lost my career due to some very dishonest bosses framing me for their screw up, one I fixed.

Now, in a recent McJob I had, I was ordered to do some OSHA violating things and left the company and tried to report them. Since then, since last November I cannot get ANYONE to hire me, not even a lowest rung retail job. I'm 59 but very honest and diligent, ethical, conscientious and have great qualifications. I've been almost hired 5 times and each time, suddenly, they change their minds right before hiring. I suspect being blackballed and I'm so depressed and hungry, don't even have food. I'm at the edge of my rope and don't know how to handle this possible blackballing that may be happening. My job coaches insist I interview beautifully, I'm their favorite client because I try harder than any other client searching for work.

I've lost all hope. What would you do if you were in my shoes? Eating at soup kitchens when I used to work for our National Labs is tough.

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