For as long as I can remember, my childhood was filled with alcoholism, violence, distrust and pain. Whilst my dad was immersed in his work, mum showed us love... however all we ever observed was the… (Show more)
For as long as I can remember, my childhood was filled with alcoholism, violence, distrust and pain. Whilst my dad was immersed in his work, mum showed us love... however all we ever observed was the heartache between our parents, which eventually tore our family a part. As a result of the split, us kids were blamed for a lot of the downhill spiralling. It’s been a long road attempting to understand it all, and while I feel as though I’ve accepted what we went through I worry that it impacts how I approach my relationships in the present.
I understand that we all face adversity, and I like to embrace my past pain finding ways to learn from it. I am driven, I am motivated and generally accepting of who I am. But I still feel as though the pain creeps in subconsciously affecting the way I approach my current romantic relationships, as well as my self respect.
I find myself falling for guys who are uncertain, uncommitted and struggle to express emotion - why do I do this! I feel like It’s a challenge to my ego or something.. like I have to prove to someone that I am worthy of their love... some shit like that. I also find myself talking a lot about how my family experience growing up has affected me and helped me to grow as a person, I see it as a positive thing now... but I feel like it’s maybe not so healthy... like it controls me more than I realise. Especially when little things happen involving my family now, it affects me more than it should. I don’t want it to define me but I don’t know how I should feel about it, wether I should move on, forget about it and just shut up or if it’s a good thing to be open about it. I know there’s a line, I don’t want to play the victim but it is a big part of who I am today and my strength/resilience as a person. But I also find that because of it I have a need for a supportive, comforting and emotionally mature person, emotional needs that I potentially need to improve on within myself first. I just don’t know how. Haha thanks for reading.