Your Yes’s Are Cheap

0 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Three things for you to think about

You can only tell what someone values by what they’re willing to say no to.

No’s mean more than yes’s. Saying yes is easy—people say yes to things they don’t care about all the time.

Saying no requires you to be willing to lose something. That’s how you know it’s real.

Things only feel meaningful in your life if you’ve given something up for them.

Two things for you to ask yourself

What do you keep saying “yes” to that you don’t value?

What have you given up for the things that matter most to you?

One thing for you to try this week

Say no to one thing this week. Reply and let me know what you’re giving it up for.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to let someone see the part of yourself you usually hide. Your replies blew me away.

Here’s one:

I was exposed to pornography at a very young age. Maybe 4 or 5, but honestly, it was too long ago to remember. Since that time, I’ve been addicted to it. Well recently, I confessed this addiction to my therapist, then to my wife, then to several friends. I signed up for a group, which is a local ministry in Arizona for accountability and encouragement.

Since then, I’ve been trying to find the balance between healthy disclosure and honest transparency. In a few other circles I run with, I casually mentioned navigating the fight against this addiction. In two instances, men reached out to me afterwards (and privately) to ask how they could sign up for the group I was in.

This thing that I had hidden for decades, now at the forefront of my life and something I’m being honest about with other men, is now a connection point. A place where my true self, with all its ugly imperfections, is allowing me to relate to other men, and even has encouraged them to seek help for their hidden mess.

Jacob stopped hiding:

I’m a strong stutterer and have been since I was three or four. For reference, I’m now 26. I have developed 21 techniques that I use every day to hide my stuttering. Recently, for about a month, I have stopped hiding it because the mental load is exhausting. I have found so many people have been supportive, which is a huge change from what I remember as a child—I suppose we tend to remember the bad more than the good. I now have more energy for life and can use it in my studies as a speech language pathologist to connect with clients.

Our final reader opened up, and felt less alone:

I used to be quite an open person but have closed up over the years, there are things that have happened that I haven’t told anyone about. Sometimes I feel like my closest friends don’t know me at all because I show them the version of myself I want them to see and I keep so much from them.

I think if I stopped performing people would see a person who is scared and unsure about everything. Instead I show them someone who is easygoing and calm when that is the last thing I am. I think these emotions are too personal, too vulnerable, too real to share without feeling like I am on display. I don’t know how to deal with that yet, I am not brave enough to bare these parts of myself to other people yet. I am so scared they won’t receive them the way I want.

Just yesterday I was at a picnic with some people I wouldn’t consider my closest friends. I feel so safe and seen with these people as we all train in this sport which makes up a large part of our lives. So I asked a question I would usually keep to myself and it led to a very beautiful and emotional conversation which I will remember for a long time. I know I feel comfortable with this group of people because they have given me the space to be too much or too little with them. When I am quiet they don’t press me, when I am talkative they don’t dismiss me and they simply allow me to exist where I am at without judgment.

Through this acceptance I have opened up to them without consciously making myself share because it has happened naturally. I feel much less alone after sharing a part of me I would normally keep hidden.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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