In sex, dating and relationships, words and actions are only as useful as the emotions they elicit. They don’t have any intrinsic value by themselves.
When we interact with someone we’re attracted to and it doesn’t go as we’d hoped, we often come away thinking that if only we would have said or done something differently, things could have turned out much better. When we get dumped, we obsessively search our memories for the moments, or even the moment, where it all went wrong, and then we kick ourselves for the things we did or didn’t do in those moments that could have saved it all.
But it’s precisely this insecurity about what to do that backfires on us. By focusing too much on what we should say or how we should act around someone – whether it’s someone we just met or someone we’ve been with for years – we fail to acknowledge the emotional realities that define the quality of the relationship between us.
Our relationships, then, should be viewed in terms of emotional needs rather than actions because emotional needs are the fundamental factors that determine what actually happens in …