Community Is Everything

67 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

Underrated life skill: Surrounding yourself with people who make you feel better.
Overrated life skill: Surrounding yourself with people who make you look better.

If something great happens in your life and the people around you aren’t happy for you—that’s a problem. Find new people.

Two things for you to ask yourself

Have you surrounded yourself with people who make you better? If not, how soon do you want to start looking?

One thing for you to try this week

Show appreciation to the people you want in your life. Let me know how it goes.

If You Haven’t Found Your People…

…Maybe you’re not hanging out in the right spaces yet.

Two decades of reader emails and this is the complaint I hear most often: The more I work on myself, the harder it is to find people who “get it.”

This is why I created my online community Momentum. So you can find your people—and work on yourselves together.

Because it’s easier to stick to goals when you’re part of a supportive group. You know this, and science bears it out. To quote just one study, patients receiving emotional support from peers in an online health community nearly doubled their chances of achieving health goals.

Inside Momentum, we’re not watching hours of mind-numbing videos.
Instead, we’re doing things, racking up small wins and encouraging each other every step of the way.

If you’re worried about who’s inside?

Relax. It’s not a bunch of internet weirdos or productivity cultists.

It’s people like you. Smart, grounded people who know life isn’t going to change because of one big breakthrough. It’s going to change because of small, consistent actions stacked up over time.

We’re only a couple months in, and already members are saying:

• “Momentum is like the warm, understanding hug I didn’t know I needed.”
• “I am grateful to be a member of this community. This is incredibly hard work that I have no doubt will pay off in droves.”
• “Wow. This app is better than any therapy out there.”
• “Huge thanks to the individuals here who offered encouragement on my original post and checked in to see how things had gone. I definitely felt the warmth and strength of the community Mark is building.”

Changing your life is the most important, challenging work you’ll ever do—there’s no reason to do it alone. There’s also a real good chance your next best friend—the one who actually gets you—might already be waiting inside.

Tired of going it alone? Join Momentum now

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to put work into a relationship worth having, and a few of you wrote back asking what I mean by “work.”

Dave used to wonder the same:

Nothing in relationship coaching makes me more furious than people who say ‘The key to having a good relationship is to work at it.’ This is because nobody ever defines what the ‘work’ is.

Well, to cut to the chase, I have ruminated for years after failed relationships to figure out what that work actually is. I read the Gottman book, and much more. It finally dawned on me that the ‘work’ of a relationship boils down to this: Being able to say the awkward things.

‘I love you’ is awkward to say, especially for a man. ‘I liked how you spoke to our son about xyz.’ ‘I really like it when you do this when we are making love.’ That’s awkward stuff, but it all makes the other person know what is working and reinforces it, and makes them happy to do more of the same.

For G, work also means communication:

I’ve been putting effort into a relationship with my partner since we chose to move in together. Originally he didn’t understand why it needed so much work. But as time went on, he now understands and shows a lot of gratitude towards me and our past selves for doing the work. We have better communication tools now and understand each other’s motives as well.

There will always be ups and downs, of course. But we really are feeling much more aligned since having conversations, being proactive with starting couples therapy and talking about our future goals and intentions individually and together.

It can feel like ‘work’ at times to improve on something. But it’s always worth it in the end.

Finally, you can also work on friendships, and sometimes this means muffins:

Ironically, I invested in a relationship just before I read this email! I met some new friends this year as part of a weekly Dungeons and Dragons group. After meeting every Monday for five months, the members who hosted the night had a baby last week, so our group is on hold for several months. Even though I am just getting to know them, I decided to text and check in last week, and bring over a casserole and muffins this week. I was worried they would feel it was invasive, but they were delighted to have company. I got to hold the baby and be their first non-family company. They asked me to drop in again when I had time and I planned to go out for drinks with the new mom when she is feeling up to it. By taking a few hours to text, make a casserole, and stop by for an hour, I made their day and got to solidify our friendship beyond just gaming together.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
My Website – My Books – My YouTube Channel – My Podcast