Whose Permission Are You Waiting For?

1 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

Accept this: You don’t have to prove anything to anybody, ever.

Including yourself.

The moment you stop asking for permission is when you realize it was never required.

Two things for you to ask yourself

What have you been trying to prove lately? Whose permission do you seek?

One thing for you to try this week

Pick one small decision you’ve been waiting for permission to make. Make it—and resist the urge to explain yourself. Let me know how it goes.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to do one thing you’d promised yourself, and notice how this changes how you show up with other people.

Philip’s decision to put himself first led to a relationship where he can show up authentically:

Story of my life. I’m over 20,000 days old, and recently I realized that my wife and I ‘co-created’ an unhealthy relationship. (I don’t like to use ‘toxic’ anymore, in my world it has been overused and abused.) I realize that I need to be fine and healthy with myself. So two years ago, after attempting to mend our relationship but alas with no or very little response from her side, I decided to end the relationship.

In the meantime I met a new woman, also my age, and because she’s done a lot of work upon herself as well, I do learn a totally new way of how relationships can be healthily lived. Without drama, respectful, open-minded, and most importantly full honesty from my side, including no omissions and nice guy shit (as uncomfortable as it may be).

Being with my new partner, I can be myself, do not need to distort or dance around eggshells. It‘s like I can finally breathe.

Helen refused to compromise on her value:

I am a consultant in my mid-50s and recently had a real life test of this. A former colleague invited me to ‘collaborate’ in her new consultancy. In practice, it turned into me doing the analysis for a client, then watching her negotiate ongoing terms without me at less than half my usual rate.

The client wanted to keep working with me, so the easy option would have been to swallow it and take the work. But I know my value and how I work, and accepting that setup would have meant agreeing to be undervalued from day one.

So I pushed back and said let’s pause.

I will be honest, it felt awful. I am someone who feels disapproval deeply and my brain quickly jumps to ‘they will dislike you.’ But I did not choose to be disliked. I chose to back myself.

There is still some wobble and guilt, but also a quiet sense of pride. I think that is the real upside. You build self-respect and a thicker skin at the same time.

Anyway, that was my small but meaningful breakthrough this week.

Finally, our community member is keeping a promise to herself:

I fawn to feel safe around people, especially people that make me nervous. But I don’t need to use people pleasing to feel safe. I’ve realized it’s ok to not feel safe. I’ll still enforce boundaries because I choose clear healthy boundaries. I don’t feel safe but I am safe. My feelings will fall in line one day at a time.

Following through on boundaries caused me guilt, fear and anxiety at the time. Now looking back I feel proud, powerful and safe. I’m happier in my home, at my job and with humans overall. I intend to get comfortable not feeling safe in order to live more in line with my values of freedom, novelty, growth and truth.

If showing up for yourself feels difficult, we have whole courses inside The Solved Membership to help you manage your emotions, set boundaries, and finally live a life aligned with your values. Plus support from thousands of community members working on themselves, right alongside you. Learn more here.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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