Fuck Yes or No

Fuck Yes or No

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Question: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?

There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.

“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?”
“Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?”
“He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”

Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.

Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.

Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.

These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.

Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?

What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?

You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?

The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said that “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.

This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:

  1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
     
  2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
     
  3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
     
  4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforcing them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
     
  5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.

Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.

Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and not worth pressuring her. Besides, sex with someone who is not “Fuck Yes” about you is usually lousy sex anyway.

(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself, often solves this “problem.”)

Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.

Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.

Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.

A typical Fuck Yes response I receive from women.

A common Fuck Yes response from a woman. Flowers and all.

But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.

The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.

The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild responses, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.

And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.

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277 Comments

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  • Reply

    kathy

    26 weeks ago

    The clarity you offer seems to apply to pretty much all interpersonal situations. How do you do that?

  • Reply

    Ben

    25 weeks ago

    I agree with a lot of things that this article says except for one thing…the name of what this is called. I don’t believe calling it the “Law of Fuck Yes or No” is, for lack of a better word, accurate. Calling it a law means that it is a definite thing and that this is correct, which is exactly what he was saying was wrong with dating advice. Calling this a “law” insinuates that this is the correct method of dealing with every situation. While it may be a good way to approach somethings I do not feel that it works in every situation. Not only that, but by calling it a law it has potential to mess with someone’s mind (this is the first thing I thought of when I read the name). Had I been someone to take this literally ,and not as just another attempt at making sense out of a confusing subject, I might have been lead to believe that this actually is “law” and will sway my opinions and decision making process drastically. Just because someone isn’t completely about you doesn’t mean you should just move on to the next one. Just because I look at someone and I don’t think to myself “fuck yes!” does not mean that it can’t work. No body starts off as a “fuck yes” because nobody knows everything about the other person. You need to understand who that person is and what their beliefs are before you can make a decision like that.

    • Reply

      Jeff

      19 weeks ago

      While I completely see where you are coming from, in Mark’s defence, I do believe you are taking this article and the name of the “law” a little too concretely/literally. In my opinion, Manson is merely trying to inject a different perspective/angle to these interpersonal/dating/friendship situations. There are a few moments/situations in everyone’s lives in which they want someone really bad. Sometimes, the desire causes one to lose themselves. Wants also lead to expectations, and expectations can very well lead to disappointment. From my understanding, Manson is merely saying that a good rule-of-thumb would be to see if the counterparty/person is feeling the same way about you. If not, maybe it’s not a bad idea to move on. After all, forcing things with another living being usually leads to some sort of disaster. Yes, I agree–that just because you don’t think to yourself “fuck yes!” does not mean that it can’t work. There are an infinite ways to look at relationships. None is absolute; none is perfect.

    • Reply

      Robyn

      6 weeks ago

      Fuck Yes! I love the simplicity of this “law,” then realized it’s complexity upon reading all 256 comments above. Let’s keep things in perspective here… Mark wrote an insightful blog article where he’s simply sharing his opinion and offering some advice. That’s completely “in bounds” and I applaud his candor and attempt to “uncomplicate” what has become an unnecessarily complicated topic! As a single woman, I wish more singles would read this article and stop making things so much more confusing with games, indecision, commitment issues, and the like. This is great good for thought. Mark, I loved this post!

      • Reply

        lexo

        2 weeks ago

        I totally agree with you Robyn

    • Reply

      amor fugaz

      4 weeks ago

      Actually, people do sometimes start out as a fuck yes. It’s called attraction!

      People actually start out in three ways: fuck yes, “neutral”, or NO.

      Fuck yes can quickly turn to ‘no’.

      Neutral can turn to ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

      No usually stays ‘no’.

      The rule is, once either one of you falls into no, IT’S OVA!

      Of course you need to have a conversation with a person to see if they stay out of the ‘no’ zone. Actually, you need a LOT more than that! In my opinion, that will be an ongoing thing throughout any relationship.

      Dats all!

    • Reply

      anon

      2 weeks ago

      Its called a turn of phrase

  • Reply

    Tmurphy

    25 weeks ago

    I LOVE this article! Do does everyone in my office and fb, So… Blunt and direct like me! Just didn’t Hv the words like u did, well done! keep’em coming!

  • Reply

    Sterling Silver Lining

    23 weeks ago

    Mark, thanks man. Over the past week, I enjoyed the opportunity of being able to spend an evening with three beautiful honeys. One of them in particular and I gravitated to one another as the evening progressed. By the time we hopped to the last venue of the night, she and I were all over each other in “Fuck Yes” fashion. Unfortunately the night ended before she and I could swap additional bodily fluids, then now a couple of days later the “Fuck Yes” on her end doesn’t seem so “fucking yes” anymore. The experience kind of fucked with my mind a little, but after reading a couple of your articles over the past 24 hours, it has spared me some grief and has given me MUCH relief. “Chemistry and Compatibility”, plus “The Law Of Fuck Yes!!! Or No!!!” pulled me out of my funk. Last night, it was as if you were my own brother being here for me when I needed some constructive guidance and a swift kick in the ass! Thank you! I am going to be fine. I have no more anxiety over the situation.

  • Reply

    Laura Stewart

    23 weeks ago

    Fuck yes! Very succinct :)

  • Reply

    Sam

    22 weeks ago

    This is so fucking on point. Bravo Mark.

  • Reply

    Rebecca Flin

    21 weeks ago

    Yes! To me, it seems like the “Law of Fuck Yes or No” is essentially equivalent to “Enthusiastic Consent”. I love your article, but one little thing disturbed me:

    “Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and not worth pressuring her. Besides, sex with someone who is not “Fuck Yes” about you is usually lousy sex anyway.” <—yes! I agree. Don't go further. However,

    "(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself, often solves this “problem.”)" <—- NO!!! Chances are that the girl doesn't know WHY she's not comfortable. Asking this question may make her feel like she is being unreasonable, confused, and pressured to go past her boundaries. I actually wrote a whole post about this issue here:
    http://disruptingdinnerparties.com/2014/03/04/noboundaries-part-iii-push-past-the-patronizing-argument/
    Sometimes it just takes a while for people to warm up, and especially when it comes to physical sexual boundaries, there is often no reason WHY they are comfortable with one thing, and not with another. The girl is giving you a Fuck Yes for making out, but a Fuck No for taking off her shirt. So stay at making out. The Law of Fuck Yes or No can apply in little bits and pieces.

    • Reply

      Mark

      21 weeks ago

      Kind of weird that you support enthusiastic consent and then disagree with a man verbally communicating his concern about her inhibitions. So what if it’s uncomfortable? Talk about it. If she just needs time to warm up, then she can say that. It’s time to stop playing guessing games with each other and let people know where you’re at. If you feel pressured, say so. If you need time, say so. If you don’t know why, say so.

      Otherwise it just makes both people feel more insecure.

      • Reply

        V

        18 weeks ago

        I will say that communication is good, but perhaps the goal is to cool off a bit, not ask right in the heat of the moment, or it may come across as pressure, or just be very up front that you ask only out of a desire to communicate, no pressure. Either way, I do think Fuck No, can be Fuck No, Not right now, maybe a bit later. As Rebecca points out, somethings take time and many guys are of the mentality that if it’s not a Fuck Yes to whatever I want right now than it’s not worth waiting for, which I think is bullshit. I’ll communicate my timetable as I become aware of it (as Rebecca points out people aren’t always sure when it will be right), but I’ll work on my timetable, not others and if they don’t like it, as you say, take it as a Fuck No and move on.

      • Reply

        Nissa

        12 weeks ago

        I can’t speak for everywoman, but to offer my own experience:
        I’ve had that moment where I’ve gone from “ok this is fun” to “omg, am I sure I want to do this?” fairly quickly. For me this was not so much about the guy in question but about my expectations of where things were going that night. Because this was completely unanticipated, I had not considered in my own mind how far down that road I wanted to go. I didn’t know, until I actually passed that point, then thought “ok, there’s the line right there!”.

        It was also a factor for me that this person was a stranger and I had zero way to know if he was actually interested in me as a person, or just a good time. After I slowed things down, I gave him my number and waited to see what he would do. He didn’t call. But if he had called, we would likely have gone further down that road, because this time I would be expecting it and would know exactly what I was willing to do. For me, my slowing this down was more about the fact that I wanted to have a good time with someone I genuinely liked and respected and not a stranger. I wanted to know this man better. I wanted to care about him. I was disappointed that I wasn’t a person to him, only a good time.

        But it took me about a week to be able to articulate that to myself. As the time, all I noticed was a sudden uptick in anxiety. All I was able to say was that he made me nervous – which to me is a complement, because if I didn’t like you at all, I wouldn’t be nervous, would I? So see, ladies get nervous too.

      • Reply

        EyesOnly

        3 weeks ago

        +1 to Mark’s point. As for the responses below: So what?

        You feel “pressured?” Too bad. Communication shouldn’t feel like pressure. Lack of communication feels like more pressure on the guy in this situation. Like he’s “fucking up somehow” and “if only he knew, he could decode.”

        But you know what? Fuck it. DEAL WITH IT. Life applies pressure sometimes! One would hope that if you’re in this situation, you’re an adult. An adult doesn’t fucking breakdown in the face of an honest communication request. That’s childish behavior.

        You think a guy doesn’t get last second anxiety too?

        “What if I get an STD involved here?”
        “What if she gets pregnant?”
        “What if she’s psycho/has a psycho significant other?”

        You put yourself in this situation, you should be prepared to handle stress gracefully. If not, don’t allow things to escalate to this point, period. Make the No a FUCK NO long before this becomes a question.

        • Reply

          sue

          2 weeks ago

          I think guys must need to develop a gut feeling check, you got this gift already when playing poker, checking out that girl, talking big to get that promotion.. Women? Not soo much, their feeling and their mind are a bit slow in connecting. If you only rely on physical attraction, yes, Fuck yes is the ultimate law. Dating isnt the number game, your chance is bigger when 50% is about attraction and the rest is a matter of encouragement (am not a crazy guy, I have good job, fine you want to check on me etc). Some women act solely on their feelings and yes, you got her hooked up to you right away, but keep in mind do you really really want to be with this type of woman? Not using the least of her brain ? In managing her finance, navigating office politics etc ? Fuck yes or no applies once a number of fair chances are given, yes, it is tougher for guys to pursue and charm her and not so sure so give yourself the guideline, a month, 3 times calls etc) but end the day you got to have a gut whether this woman is worth to spend time with. If you have no gut, give her once or twice meaningful chances, she still dont show enthusiasm then move on.

    • Reply

      Stella

      18 weeks ago

      I agree with Rebecca here. Especially if you, the guy, just met the girl….if you both feel the ‘fuck yes’ thing…sometimes women hesitate to actually sleep with the guy straight away. And if you think that she doesn’t like you simply because she doesn’t want to sleep with you straight away…then I am really sorry for you.

  • Reply

    Alexander Stanislaw

    21 weeks ago

    I don’t know how I feel about this. Would you generalize this advice to marriage? Because the passion and excitement of a young relationship almost always fades, and applying the “Fuck yes or no” principle seems like a good way to lead to divorce. Which isn’t to say that couples who successfully remain together for decades don’t love each other, but their love one defined by emotions but by understanding and compassion. As testament to this, arranged marriages very often last longer than Western love marriages. Moreover people in arranged marriages report being more satisfied with their marriage.

    • Reply

      Mick

      2 weeks ago

      You still need to apply the law, the problem with marriage (even arranged ones) is that instinctively we are mammals and are not designed for lifetime pair bonding……………… certainly the 1st few years are “fuck yes” but generally marriage ends in divorce……… and yes there are exceptions to this rule – exceptions. Lifetime pair bonding of humans was an idea brought to you by religion among the many other gifts they have bestowed upon us.lol If it wasn’t for religion we’d all probably have a much better understanding of each other and poor bloke Mark would have to find a another way to make a crust.

  • Reply

    jason

    20 weeks ago

    What happens if it is not a clear “fuck yes” coming from the other party? Do you still proceed? I met someone, finally got her number texted a lot over a few days then I called her up and asked her out. I made it clear I wanted to date her. She was flattered, said she recently got back with her ex, (didn’t say she had a boyfriend) and asked me when I started feeling something for her. I told her truth and was vunerable and honest and she loved and appreciated it. She said I could still text her and being in positive mindset and knowing some good could come out of it I asked if she single friends she can set me up with and she does. I asked her to hang out sometime to screen me for her friend and she asked when, but she hasn’t talked to her friend yet. There might be a possibility she might be looking for something new. I don’t want to violate my principles and go after someone who may be unavailable, but hanging out with her so that she can learn more about me for her friend is not really my true intention after I think about it. I want to learn more about her too and she knows this as I’ve told her. I don’t want to be relationship destroyer, because I believe in karma, but on the other hand it might broken already. Do I proceed with a “fuck yes” anyway and do us both a favor?

    • Reply

      Me2

      18 weeks ago

      Jason, that is the biggest No I’ve seen in a while. There is nothing Fuck Yes about that situation, get out of there.

    • Reply

      Chelsea

      17 weeks ago

      This is a big fuck no. If she wanted you, she wouldn’t have gone back to her ex in the first place. It’s either that or she’s playing mind games with you, which is a huge red flag. Either way, this girl is not worth your time in any context (friend, girlfriend, matchmaker or otherwise). I would delete her number and move on. The point is that if it was a “fuck yes” she would be clear about it, not wishy-washy and subtle. Do yourself a favour and walk away, you deserve better :)

  • Reply

    Vickie Fowler

    19 weeks ago

    It isn’t so easy for me, somehow. I, unfortunately, am a fixer, problem solver, etc. But, then, I fell for a passive aggressive commitment-phobe and came within a week of our wedding only to watch him lose control. I realized all that careful “molding” didn’t get our relationship very far. I should’ve just spent all that confusing time focusing on myself, like he did. Now, with aching heart, I am wiser! http://www.hushhushheart.com

  • Reply

    Sarah

    19 weeks ago

    Looks similar to this hmm
    http://sivers.org/hellyeah

    • Reply

      Mark

      19 weeks ago

      Yes, Sivers is referenced and linked within the article if you read it.

  • Reply

    Adriana

    18 weeks ago

    Hmmm, at first this sounds about right but then it kind of contradicts what we are trying to learn is that relationships arent Disney movies or 80s movies where John Cusack is outside your window with a boom box. THE Fuck yes moment of the 80s.
    Although I agree, there has to be enthusiasm, I have seen and experienced going from Fuck Yes to Hell no very quickly. And seen, men especially, may start off all go with the flow, and BAM end up head over heels in Fuck Yes.

    And lets face it, relationships flow, high and lows, yeses and nos, maybes, and possiblies (made up word) but like you said that’s dating.

  • Reply

    Julie

    18 weeks ago

    Wow. Just wow. So simple, yet so awesome. And you made me realize that I am in the first problem group. Mind-blowing.

  • Reply

    Dan

    15 weeks ago

    So I no a waitress She is a definit fuck yes she’s so fucking beautiful I’m a little older then her but she flirts with me pretty hard touching me hitting me messing with me all the time but I’m not sure if she’s interested she is so fucking hot I get a little nervous around her but if I ask her out and she says no it will b weird going in there after that what should I do wait for her to come to me I wanna fuck her brains out now and I’m not getting any younger iv played this same game b4 and not a good out come any suggestions on what to do I don’t want to scare her away I want her to b my girl

    • Reply

      Bill

      8 weeks ago

      You can start by writing like an educated person instead of like an idiot.

  • Reply

    Mark

    15 weeks ago

    This is such terrific advice, and I’m passing it on. At 40, I finally figured this out for myself–very recently–and it would have saved me so many headaches in dating, relationships, and friendships if I had gotten it earlier.

    Last weekend I had dates with two different women I met online. I really liked the first one, but she ended the date fairly quickly, and when I told her that I’d had a good time and wanted to see her again, she said, “I’ll have to think about it.” “I think that means no,” I responded. “That’s OK, I can take it–you can just say no thanks!” She said, “No, I have to think about it. Sometimes I need to sleep on things.” Well, I did not contact this woman again, and don’t plan to. As far as I’m concerned, if a woman isn’t sure that she likes me enough to see me again, then the interaction isn’t worth the effort. I have better things to do than bang my head against a brick wall.

    The second date was totally different: I really liked her, too–but she liked me back, and she made that clear. We laughed, had a great time, made out, and have been overtly flirting by text since then while planning our next date. Not giving a second thought to the “maybe” from the first woman allowed me to be more open and emotionally available for the “fuck yes” from the second, and no matter how things turn out, I have 0 regrets about how I’ve handled this situation.

  • Reply

    m

    14 weeks ago

    AGE OLD PROBLEM:
    the people i want don’t want me
    the people who want me i don’t want

    soooo your law doesn’t solve a thing…
    in the end I will probably settle for someone who wants me, isn’t that the only option?

    • Reply

      amorfugaz

      4 weeks ago

      You should try reading the other stuff on this site – the advice in this article is just one element of it. The solution to the age old problem of ‘everyone i like doesn’t like me’ is to move on quickly from rejections, while maintaining who we really are, instead of moping for weeks, months, YEARS over the people we like that don’t like us back.
      Even the most attractive people on earth encounter ‘no’s’. That is a fact of life, a fact of being human.

  • Reply

    Luan

    11 weeks ago

    Newsletter

  • Reply

    Suzanne

    9 weeks ago

    Mark, What about superficial things like stretch marks? I’ve been married for ten years, my husband recently decided that I am a Fuck No, and now we are getting ready to separate. I’m planning to create a Fuck Yes version of myself, but after two kids, weight gain, and several other ups and downs, I have stretch marks and I worry that no man will ever say Fuck Yes to those. What is your advice on that? I’m afraid I am just fucked.

    • Reply

      Mark

      9 weeks ago

      That’s a pretty superficial reason to reject someone, especially your wife. You sure you want to be with someone who is that superficial?

    • Reply

      amorfugaz

      4 weeks ago

      Your husband is not rejecting you because you have stretch marks. He might reference stretch marks, but there is something else, something far more significant (and probably more than one thing) that has been a far bigger contributor to the breakdown of your relationship and his loss of attraction.
      There are absolutely men out there that would say Fuck yes to stretch marks (and more flaws. many many more. and worse.) You are more than your stretch marks, I would hope, and you certainly aren’t the only human being out there with physical flaws. “Flaws”.

      Get real!

  • Reply

    Wayde

    9 weeks ago

    Thanks Mark. As Mark says the goal is for a happier lifestyle, and asking a simple question like this takes the noise.
    And since you are not wasting time, you will be more lightly to meet someone who is “Fuck Yeah!” about you.

  • Reply

    Leon

    9 weeks ago

    I really don’t understand the enthusiasm about Mark’s concept of “Fuck yes or no” among people looking for a physical contact with the opposite sex and not for life partners. Black or white, no gray zones, keeping it all clear in one’s mind. It reminds me the university lectures in economics, where all the theories treat and work in ideal and fair markets. The world out there isn’t that fair though and one should stay flexible.

    “Fuck yes or no” and you go to bed alone, mostly.

    Take my example.

    About me: 30 years old, 6 feet tall, 75kg. An educated, well-groomed, healthy and easy going guy without bad habits, no smoking and drinking, a polyglot, but not nerdy. I am an artist, loving and being good at dancing. Ended a 4 year, mostly happy relationship 4 months ago.

    I have no problem approaching and talking to women. I can be cocky with them and entertaining, ask them questions and am genuinely interested in listening to them. I never push and stalk women, if they show no interest.

    And now let’s do my numbers. I observed my results for the last two months by going out twice or three times per week to some dance venues, where you can really talk and get close.

    I mention only the number of girls I had longer, funny and positive conversations with.

    - Women approached and initiated a talk with: 18
    - Positive, cocky and responsive talk: 15
    - Asked them all for numbers and got only from: 9
    - Contacted all numbers or Facebook with “it was nice to meet you, looking forward to see you again soon”. Got responses back: 8
    - Accepting an invitation to go out and spend time together: 6
    - Being responsive to my body contact like holding hands, hugging and sometimes kissing: 4
    - Accepting second date: 1
    - FC: 1

    From my feelings, in all cases on first dates we had fairly good conversations, with body contact, me touching them gently and them being mostly responsive.

    To sum up: from 18 approached women in two months, whose looks I really liked and many of whom had cool personalities only ONE ended in my bed.

    If it goes like that, I’d statistically sleep with 6 different girls in a year. 1 girl every two months. It doesn’t sound very much for a young and free guy who is willing to improve on’s sexual life.

    My demographics cannot be better: Living in the capital of a big European country with millions of people with lots of young, international environments.

    Nevertheless, irrelevantly from the places I go, from hundred people only 4-6 I find pretty, which is just 5% of the population. From this, 5% only a fraction will end up hanging out with me. And, eventually, very few will become sexually interested in me.

    Theoretically I’d love to sleep with all those 18 girls I met and talked to, because I was comfortable with them and liked their looks. I am not really searching for fantastically compatible, deep, life long partners now.

    The advice “Fuck yes or no” is very attractive, in a made-up ideal world, but in the real world it’s delusive.

    If I follow the advice of “FUck yes or no” I’d wind up being with a very-very few women, though maybe very compatible and high-quality, but it misses my point of being with a lot of pretty girls at this point of my life.

    • Reply

      Lauren

      9 weeks ago

      Soooo women are just statistics, right? Life isn’t all about sex, man. Besides, the article is really describing relationships, not fuck buddies.

  • Reply

    Leon

    9 weeks ago

    Life isn’t all about sex, it’s about discovering the rules of the universe, caring about fellow humans, nibbling on your nails, defecating and billions of other useful or stupid activities. Merely I am talking about sexual desire and attraction, which is also covered by this article and the section it’s put in. And statistics are just a modern way to organize your thoughts and results. It’s your right to try to live by instinct like insects, switching off your analytical engine, just go and drift wherever the wind takes.

    • Reply

      Laura

      8 weeks ago

      Leon, I don’t know what to say. While I appreciate your candor and understand the desire to “sow your wild oats” you don’t sound like you are interested in “caring about fellow humans” even from the perspective of being a Don Juan who is looking to bring as much pleasure to as many woman as possible. It sounds like you just want to rack up the numbers for your own benefit and I certainly hope you are being completely honest with these women you are attempting to seduce. They may be willing or not to be one of many but you owe it to them to be clear about your intentions. And please, for the love of God, stop thinking that every woman you smile at is supposed to want to have sex with you or there’s something wrong with you! We do have other things in our lives to consider and so should you!

    • Reply

      amorfugaz

      4 weeks ago

      That is great that you kept all your stats there, Leon. What you’ve failed to realize is that a person gets better with practice. It’s been 5 weeks since you posted your comment. Where are you now? Any improvements?? There should be. Otherwise you’re not growing.

      Also, somewhere in there it would probably be nice if at least one of those women you wind up getting with once gave you a second or third try. Or 100th. Building up a sexual relationship and dynamic with individual people is also a key element to gaining experience, (as opposed to just racking up numbers and stats) wouldn’t you say?

      Finally, I’m going to go out on a limb and say sex with girls that aren’t saying ‘fuck yes’ to you is NOT the high quality experience that really helps you to grow as a sexual being. That goes to all the guys out there who have responded with something along the lines of “if i only slept with girls who said fuck yes to me i sure wouldn’t be sleeping with that many girls, etc.”

      Are you kidding me?! The oweness is on YOU to become a more attractive human being, not the age old dynamics of sexual attraction between men and women to somehow change because you are still not at a place in your life where you can attract the number and quality of women you’d like!

      You sound like an athlete who thinks that how they are at some early point in their game that their stats/ability could never improve no matter how much they practice or how long they play their sport. Do you know how hard athletes train?! There’s a reason for that: it’s called the ability to develop your potential and improve, and it can be applied to any area of life.

      It’s time to get real, Leon, and accept responsibility for your potential to become a more attractive man, which you certainly have.

      It doesn’t matter what city you live in.

      It does not matter what you look like.

      What matters is that you move on from rejections swiftly and calmly, while maintaining the truth of who you really are. Keep doing this, and you will grow and naturally become more attractive.

      This is coming from a woman, btw.

  • Reply

    Joshua

    8 weeks ago

    Brillant. I can certainly see myself over thinking specific “Fuck Yes”s and balancing those out with the “No”s, but I think this simplifies so many situations. Putting names to these events is half the battle, because then those situations aren’t so unique. Also, the possibility of such quick decision would’ve saved me a few weeks (in one case a few years) of wondering what’s wrong with me/her/my life/whatever. Thanks!

  • Reply

    R. Michelle

    8 weeks ago

    “Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.”

    I would have loved if you said “Build yourself into a person YOU would say “Fuck yes” to.”

    That is the game, verses trying to figure out how to get “others” to say “Fuck Yes”.

    Which in ways, you point to in your writings, then that old paradigm slips in.
    <3

    • Reply

      amorfugaz

      4 weeks ago

      I totally disagree. I know a lot of people that can’t get laid to save their lives that don’t have a clue why they’re being rejected. And think that they’re totally great, at least on the surface. We are very good at fooling ourselves, and burying our insecurities and fears deep beneath the surface.

      I used to be one of these people. Big sad face.

      Mutual attraction with other people is utterly vital to building sexual confidence and a sense of self that is developed to the point where healthy relationships become available. Teenagers with great self esteem but no experience are beautiful little people, but that is a starting place. Saying ‘fuck yes’ to yourself is a prerequisite. Level One. This article is about Level Two and beyond!

      A person can sit there in their room and look in the mirror and tell themselves how hot they are, how smart and likeable they are, how anyone that didn’t want them was crazy (just like my mom has always told me!) but until you go out into the world of actual other people that are not YOU and make yourself vulnerable by properly facing up to rejection, and expressing your truth (so to speak, I am using Mark’s jargon here but I find it very useful) you won’t even actually KNOW if you are someone you would still say fuck yes to at the next level. It will require further development, further self-evaluation – it’s part of the never-ending process of growing up.

      I would agree that crafting yourself into some fake hot person that does get laid but that you yourself don’t really like is a fruitless endeavour, but nowhere in this article does it say you have to do that. THAT would be pick up, and absolutely antithetical to all of Mark’s core advice.

  • Reply

    Izwah

    8 weeks ago

    What about when your mind changes? From a fuck yes to a hesitant yes? Is that a no?

    • Reply

      amorfugaz

      4 weeks ago

      Of course that will happen. That happens all the time! Ever have an ex?!

      Saying either ‘fuck yes’ or ‘no’ to a person, or having it said to you, is not static. The dynamic between two people is always prone to change. You could say ‘fuck yes’ to someone for twenty years only to suddenly (or over a period of time) find one person or both suddenly realizing they’ve shifted to ‘no’. This is happening in about a million relationships, right this second.

      That’s life. That is still beautiful.

  • Reply

    cane

    8 weeks ago

    “Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.”

    The article is great. Except for this. Build yourself into the person you want to be.

  • Reply

    Silly

    6 weeks ago

    Another problem with this, is that if I waited for a Fuck Yes situation, think I would still be a virgin today.

    • Reply

      amorfugaz

      4 weeks ago

      So what you’re saying is that you got some experience with girls that weren’t that into you, and those are the circumstances under which you lost your virginity. Great. Samesies.

      Wouldn’t you like to move on now and discover what it feels like to have sex with someone that is just as into you as you are into her??

      That is the kind of experience you want, Friend. And you can get it.

      • Reply

        amorfugaz

        4 weeks ago

        Sorry I just realized I assumed you were a guy. Or a gay girl. haha. Whatever you are, you get my point.

  • Reply

    BK

    2 weeks ago

    There are MANY reasons why a woman (or man) might not want to immediately jump in the sack with someone they don’t know well. That isn’t a “No”. Assuming that everyone who is really interested in you will sleep with you right away is absurd. Boundaries and the choice to wait should be RESPECTED, not challenged. And the person shouldn’t be DROPPED for that decision.

  • Reply

    Matthew

    1 week ago

    Wonderful article among many, many wonderful articles here. Thank you

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