What Success Really Looks Like

145 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

Social media says: do everything, everywhere, all at once.

Reality says: focus on doing one or two things extremely well, in one place, consistently, over a long period of time.

Success doesn’t have to be Ferraris and the corner office. Success can be creating art, helping people in need, being a good mom. It can be as big or small as you define it.

Three things for you to ask yourself

What does success look like to you? Is it aligned with your values and desires?

One thing for you to try this week

Define success for yourself. If this exercise inspires you to change your definition, let me know in a reply.

New This Week

Video: Don’t Try—the Philosophy of Charles Bukowski

We all hear the life lessons of the rich, successful, and world famous. But what about the degenerates and lowlifes? What can we learn from them? Bukowski was a poet. He was also a drunk, a gambler, a hopeless womanizer, and an all-around mess of a human being. Yet, some of his perspectives on the world I have found to be the most powerful. So I made a video on those perspectives and why. Check it out.

Podcast: How to Change Your Mind Without Losing Yourself

In this latest podcast episode, Drew and I dive into some of the biggest beliefs we’ve shifted over the years—and what it actually looks like to change your mind.

We talk about Drew’s evolving views on religion, why I’m way less convinced that people are as changeable as we like to believe, and why I think trauma might be getting a little too much airtime in the self-help world.

We also get into the loneliness epidemic, the quiet power of community, and why so much of “personal growth” isn’t about becoming someone new—it’s about learning to work with who you already are. Reply to let me know what you’ve changed your mind about—and enjoy.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to confront a fear by finding a reason to.

Joy’s reason is her daughter:

When it comes to parenting, I’m a firm believer of showing (and not just telling) kids how to be a good person. Growing up, I’ve always been shy, anxious to meet people, afraid to speak up, and avoid confrontation.

When I became a mom to this incredible little girl, I wanted her to grow up to be a strong, independent, and brave woman. However, now that she’s nine, she’s unfortunately inherited some of my anxieties. I don’t want her to end up like me, I don’t want her to live life the way I did… being a doormat because I’m too afraid to speak up or stand up for myself. So I decided I have to force myself to show her how to be brave instead of just telling her.

When my parents tried to break boundaries, I outright told them to stop. They tried multiple times and I eventually decided to keep them out of our lives because I wanted to protect my daughter from them while showing her that boundaries have to be respected.

When a kid shoved her in the playground, I confronted the kid and her mom. Her mom was raising her voice at me and I wanted to cave. But since my daughter was watching, I held my ground and argued with her. Her kid at least apologized.

When my daughter became friends with other kids, I did my best to reach out to get to know her friends’ parents. This led to me having great mom friends as well.

I felt like I never or rarely would have done any of these things if I didn’t have any kids. Or perhaps there would be another reason to be courageous. But right now, my daughter is my biggest reason.

Natalie leaned on friends to face her fears:

I have lived in New Orleans, Louisiana for 30 years and I’ve been afraid of bridges for as long as I can remember. Even the grates over city sidewalks send me into a panic. The Lake Pontchartrain Causeway bridge between New Orleans on the south shore and Mandeville/Covington on the north shore is the longest bridge over water in the world at 24 miles long. I had never driven across it until October 27, 2024.

After a very ugly divorce from an abusive narcissist in June of 2022, it took nearly two years for me to feel any desire to date again. In April of 2024, I got on the apps. I dated a few men, some only once, a couple for a few months, but nothing really felt natural or particularly safe until August when I met a man on Bumble. He was smart and funny. He shared my love of playing music, making art, and watching quirky films. We laughed together till we cried at the goofiest puns and bad jokes, and he lived in Mandeville on the north shore. What the literal fuck was I going to do if he asked me to his place?

My guy was performing in a songwriters’ festival in Covington on October 27th of last year and I was determined to support him. So I called on two of my good friends and asked if they would help me get across the lake in the name of love. My friend, Brenda rode shotgun with me the week before the festival as I drove. She talked me through the white-knuckle drive across the lake and we had lunch in Covington and drove back to New Orleans afterward. I had done it, but not alone. The day of the festival, my friend, Rebecca, followed me as I drove over the lake to see my man. She hung out with friends until I was ready to go home and followed me back to New Orleans, staying behind me the entire way.

Long story short, I now drive the scariest bridge I could imagine quite regularly. I sort of look forward to the drive now. Even if this relationship doesn’t last forever, I have tackled and overcome one of the biggest fears in my life. That took courage, and the help of two very good friends.

Finally, if you’ve ever wanted to reply but were afraid to, you’re not alone. Here’s Sara:

I’ve thought about responding many times to these breakthroughs but always have an excuse of not enough time or oversharing… and sometimes I even journal with the idea of responding (obviously time is not always an issue).

So, after reading this prompt, I found myself doing this again and it dawned on me that I may be afraid of responding to these breakthroughs lest it be publicized in the next newsletter. Odd, considering I write the company newsletter where I work. Why? Possibility of judgment from people I don’t know and have no effect on my life? Something else? I don’t know. I guess it’s time to understand why. Or is it really enough of a priority to work on? Not sure. I’ll at least take a step in the direction of courage though and add what I wrote thinking I’d respond:

‘If I’m afraid of something then it’s probably something I should be moving towards’ has been an unofficial rule of my life. It’s led to some great experiences like repelling from a helicopter or mountain biking in the woods at 2 A.M. It’s also helped me to heal and grow from a difficult childhood and to understand that vulnerability and boundaries are really good. If I’m afraid of having a difficult conversation with my boss, then it probably means it’s a conversation we really need to have […]

My heart rate is up and my hands are getting clammy just over the thought of hitting send.

You did it, Sara. And now you have been appropriately rewarded (or punished?) by appearing in the newsletter. See? That wasn’t so bad. :)

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
My Website – My Books – My YouTube Channel – My Podcast