A Prison You Can Walk Out Of

0 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

To be liked by all is to be loved by none.

You have to develop the ability to be disliked in order to free yourself from the prison of other people’s opinions.

Two things for you to ask yourself

Is there something in your life you’re willing to be disliked for? If not, how has that worked out for you?

One thing for you to try this week

Find something in your life you’re willing to be disliked for, and go do it. Let me know what happens.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked if a problem you’re struggling with is helping you live by your values, and is therefore a problem worth having. Here’s what you said.

Dansoo is embracing his creative struggle:

I’ve been struggling with researching video ideas worth doing for my YouTube channel.

It’s been 13 years since I started doing YouTube, and after countless attempts, give-ups, and a lot of self-doubt, recently I uploaded a video and it has been doing very well, way better than my expectations. The problem though is over half of the viewers were from my own country, while my goal is to make videos that people all around the world would want to watch.

I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe the reason they don’t do well globally is because it’s just not possible, and that maybe my efforts are pointless. That coupled with the impostor syndrome I have been experiencing from the video doing a little too well has not been good for my anxiety and well-being.

However I have realized that just like Mark mentioned, this is exactly a problem being caused by something I value. I feel stressed because I am trying to push myself to do the seemingly impossible, and because it is so god damn hard.

As for whether it is worth having the problem, despite how it’s making me feel, it absolutely is. While I find myself stressed out of my mind, I have never felt a greater sense of purpose in my life.

I always knew this was what I wanted to do, but now that the results are creeping in, I finally have some proof that what I am doing might just work, so I am absolutely happy to have this problem.

My anxiety and stress is definitely not going away anytime soon, and I might very well fail in a grand manner in my pursuit of making videos that people want to watch, however I will try my absolute best to make it work, and to use that stress to propel myself to do better.

Debbie reflected on my question, and found gratitude:

Your question came at the right time. For the past four months, my boyfriend and I have been living in and remodeling my mom’s house. She passed away last November. It’s been a challenge, to say the least, dealing with her death, her estate, and working on her house while grieving.

After we arrived, I realized quickly that my boyfriend and I had different ideas of what exactly to do with the house. I thought we were going to put lipstick on a pig, as it were, and do a little here and there and sell it within a month. My boyfriend has flipped houses before and has the capabilities of a contractor. Little did I know that he wanted to go all in and fix it up to be turnkey.

Fast forward to today, four months after we arrived. We have five days until we absolutely have to leave. We’ve been working nonstop, morning until night. I’m achy and tired and done with it. And so I sat down and picked up my phone after dragging myself through the day, burned out and grumpy because of all the work I just don’t want to do any more.

And I read your email about values.

Is this problem being caused by something I value? Heck yes. It’s my childhood home. We are making it a beautiful place that my mom would have loved. I am honoring her memory by leaving something behind she would have cherished.

Is it worth having this problem? Yes. Absolutely. Selling this house after putting so much effort into it will provide me with enough money to have a wonderful retirement, even let me retire early if I wanted.

What am I willing to struggle for? Well, my relationship, for sure. It’s been a tough four months of disagreeing and compromising and giving in and standing firm. But we have worked through it all, and come to a much better understanding of each other in the process. And I love him for seeing me through this and doing all this work for me because he wants me, no us, to have a wonderful future.

Am I happy to have this problem? Right now, after some perspective, it feels like the best problem to have. Time with someone I love doing work on something I love, setting myself up for a future I will love.

Thank you, Mark, for turning my work break into a gratitude break.

Now I’m off to sand and paint a deck!

Finally, Jake is learning through loss:

I’m going through a break-up. How novel.

I’m not sure this response really constitutes a ‘breakthrough,’ but it’s something closer to, ‘breaking, in order to push through.’

I’m also not sure I can call the break-up a ‘problem.’ It’s just a new reality I don’t want to accept. I guess that’s the real problem.

Still, I’m surprised at how quickly I’ve recognized the privilege in my tragedy. I’ve never felt real loss like this before. No groundbreaking death that shook my world as a child. No sudden move across the country that challenged my identity during my formative years. No future I once imagined washed away in an instant by injury or accident.

I’m new to this. I can’t just pretend it doesn’t mean something to me. I can’t just rely on time to make it go away.

And I think it means something to me because I care. I value intimacy. I value love. I value people who commit to what they say. I value the struggles that shape me. I value the adversity that demands a demonstration of character.

I realize it wouldn’t hurt as much if I didn’t love as much. And fuck, it hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt. But I’ve made it my vow to process this appropriately. The grieving ache in my heart feels like an old friend I intimately know despite never having met, reaching out for help, longing to be held.

And therein lies the answer to your question. I am happy to have this problem. I would relive this pain a thousand times over, because it means I got to feel that love, however short-lived. It means I allowed myself to be vulnerable, and I trusted someone, even if my judgment was wrong. It also means I am learning the lesson in loss. I think it has a lot to do with self-reliance. Everything I do requires more courage than I previously deemed myself capable of. And yet, I am still showing up as best I can, broken, but pushing through.

Thank you for the open invite to share some thoughts. Here’s to hoping this becomes a true breakthrough.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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