Time Is Not Your Problem

60 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

The problem isn’t that you don’t have enough time. It’s that you don’t have the right priorities.

If you don’t choose your priorities, the world will choose for you.

Three things for you to ask yourself

What do you never seem to have time for? What are you prioritizing over it? Are you happy with that choice?

One thing for you to try this week

Make time for one thing you want to prioritize in your life. Let me know how it goes.

Get Ready for the Solved Podcast

The first episode of my no-ads, no-guests, deep-dive podcast Solved drops this Thursday May 1st. And because I am all about choosing what’s worth giving a fuck about, it’s going to be on values.

Now, values is a big topic and my podcast is going to cover everything you’ll ever need to know (over four hours!) So to help you follow along, I’ve created a five-day email sprint that will break things down and make what you learn in Solved immediately actionable.

You’ll get five values-packed emails over five days that will help you understand what values are, what happens when they change, good versus bad values, what you can do right now to clarify your core values, and how they lead to a fulfilling life.

Sign up for my 5-day Values Sprint here—it’s completely free.

See you there.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to embrace conflict so you don’t lose yourself trying to please others.

We’ve often heard from employees struggling to stand up to their bosses, but managers can also have a difficult time, as our first reader shares:

I’ve owned a small business for almost 15 years. I consider myself a good manager and employees generally enjoy working for me, and although I’m not a pushover I am guilty of being too trusting of employees and too forgiving of poor performance. I am just not comfortable with conflict. As much as I hate to admit it, I really like to be liked (a side effect of always feeling like a loser in my school days), but I recognize that this has resulted in an unwillingness to confront staff who are not performing to my standards.

I recently hired an employee who came with great references and a lot of experience, but she is simply not working out. She’s making a lot of mistakes, showing questionable commitment to the job, and I’m generally uneasy with her attention to detail and competence in the role. We’re nearing the end of her probationary period and I have been catching myself rationalizing away her errors (she’s just transitioning, she has a lot going on in her personal life, etc.) or latching on to any slight improvement that might signal a turnaround. But I know (like deep down, I *really* know) that she is not a good fit. And I made a decision today that I will break my usual pattern. I will not take on more work myself to compensate for her poor performance, I will not give her more and more chances when I know that she already has been given every opportunity to succeed, and I will not allow my sympathy for her on a human level to supersede what is best for my business (and what I know is best for me) in the long term.

I’m not looking forward to the conversation, but I am at peace with what I know is the right decision and I’m proud that I finally put my needs first.

Our next reader is learning to be assertive with their partner’s support:

I don’t usually respond to these but this week hit home. I was a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. My subconscious default was to swallow my needs. And every time I felt like those needs weren’t being met I’d have massive physical reactions that I never knew how to deal with. But the crazy thing is I didn’t fully realize what the root of the problem was until getting into my current relationship. It’s the most serious one I’ve had and the first where I’m living with my partner. Something wild about people pleasing when single is it’s a lot easier to ignore. Being single it’s much easier to shut yourself away to ‘recover’ so to speak. But living with someone you love and want to grow with demands more. And I’m lucky enough to be in a relationship with a man who encourages me to rock the boat, even with him.

Every argument we have, afterwards he tells me how glad he is that I stood up for myself. How I didn’t let myself get steamrolled for the sake of peace. And ironically, by him teaching me that it’s ok to be confrontational and speak up for my needs, our relationship keeps getting stronger and stronger. With every argument I feel happier and more confident in myself. Because if I can have the courage to stand up for myself even to someone I love so dearly, I can stand up to anyone.

To end, after decades of people pleasing, Bethany has finally found herself:

As a natural mediator, people pleasing and conflict avoidance have been common pitfalls throughout my life. Add a Catholic upbringing and an authoritative father figure whose personality falls somewhere on the narcissism spectrum to the mix and it’s created a perfect storm for self-abandonment, which to me, has been the ultimate cost.

I think I lost myself at an early age but never realized it. I was spoonfed beliefs that supported other people’s narratives (whether self-serving or altruistic) and never even choked on them. With my natural inclination towards harmony, I never even questioned whether I was participating in something that was beneficial for me. It was always about doing what was right, doing something because you should, even if those things were to uphold systems that weren’t supporting me. I was literally taught from childhood to abandon myself and that it was a noble thing to do.

And while I do believe in serving a greater good, leaving the world a better place than when I entered it—does it really need to be at the cost of my own well being? Of course not! But nobody ever told me I could turn the tap off—that it was up to me to determine when to stop pouring, because other people certainly weren’t going to. And so I’ve spent a large chunk of my life pouring myself into bottomless cups or cups that cannot hold me; bleeding myself dry for people and systems that weren’t prepared to pour back into me.

Life is a hard teacher and through the most painful lessons I have awoken to the disservice I’ve done myself (and to those I have enabled). The last few years have been a not so gentle redirection of my energies and a journey in rediscovering myself.

The most beautiful aspect of all this has been awakening to how these experiences have shaped me, given me added introspection and strength and ultimately have contributed to who I am today. I’ve come to accept the journey I’ve been on as intrinsically mine and that while I may have felt lost or abandoned, I’ve found myself again on the other side, and I cannot tell you what a joy it has been to discover that I am absolutely delighted with this version of me I’ve found here.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
My Website – My Books – My YouTube Channel – My Podcast