Don’t Lose Yourself

116 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

Beware: It’s easy to lose yourself while constantly trying to keep everyone else happy.

Conflict is uncomfortable. But it’s a necessary side effect of standing up for what you need.

Three things for you to ask yourself

Are you a people-pleaser? Do you routinely avoid conflict? At what cost?

One thing for you to try this week

Embrace conflict in one aspect of your life. Let me know what part of yourself you reclaim in the process.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to do something important even though you may fail. Thank you to so many of you who replied to share your stories of failure with me. Here are two that hit extra hard.

Our first reader has failed repeatedly, but they’re not letting anything stop them from going after what they want:

Last year I learned how to fail. In May 2023 I turned 43. I had been waiting to find the man who would become my partner but hadn’t, and knew that I wanted to be a mom if I still physically could. I spent the better part of the next year trying IVF and it failed, multiple times and in different ways but ultimately my ability to have a child that is biologically mine is no longer possible. My time has passed. Each round and failure had its own unique trauma and story and got progressively worse each time as the hormones built up in my system. But I never wavered. I never self-sabotaged. I never missed a dose or an appointment or a blood test. I truly gave this everything I had mentally, physically and emotionally.

When I first started the process, I said to a friend that I had never been this scared in my life. I wasn’t scared of becoming a mom, or not becoming a mom, though both can be scary. I was terrified the sadness of failure would kill me if it didn’t work. Which at my age and with my numbers was the most likely outcome. I was betting on a miracle. I feared I wouldn’t be able to move through that emotional pain and get to the other side of it in the event I didn’t get that miracle.

I didn’t get the miracle. I did however move through the most profound, albeit hormone enhanced, sadness I have experienced.

It was messy and full of self-imposed minefields and a bunch of mistakes, but what I learned from it and who I became from going through it is far from nothing. I’m not afraid of failure anymore. What I realized is I never was. I was afraid of the emotional pain of not getting something I really truly wanted when I worked my absolute hardest for it.

Fast forward to last week. I met a man in December while I was volunteering. He was not local and so we’ve attempted to get to know each other long-distance. Though my effort outweighs his. We finally made a date for me to go see him last week. I knew I was vulnerable. I knew I had thus far put in more effort. I knew it was unlikely that this would turn out how I wanted, and I knew it would hurt again. But I needed to give myself the best chance to get what I want in this life and so I went. Open-minded and open-hearted and failed again.

In one of your books you say to ask the question, ‘What am I willing to hurt for?’ And through my experiences of repeated, spectacular and painful failure, I’ve learned to identify those things in life that I’m willing to hurt for. And to try my best to achieve them. And to get better at failure.

This is the definition of courage. To feel the fear, the doubt, the insecurity, and deciding that something else is more important. My best wishes to you.

To end, Lauren’s devastating failure became her greatest victory:

This week’s message is just so timely. Failure. I was a senior administrator (big chief) at an institution in major college athletics until October 2024, a career I had built over 21 years as a woman in a male-dominated industry (an industry that is dying, I might add). We went through a leadership change in July of 2024 and, after the new guy (asshole) told me I was part of the team, I got called into a meeting on a warm October day (end of the day, of course), and told that my position was being eliminated which he then leaked to the media less than 24 hours later.

My failure became a headline locally and nationally. For someone who was referred to as the glue of a department that I helped rebuild for the previous five years, this was something. As a type-A high achiever, this was pure devastation. I had never even received a bad performance evaluation in my 21-year career or a blemish in my professional files. It was something I just wasn’t prepared for because we’ve always been taught that if you show up, you work hard, you lead as a servant, you’ll be just fine. I learned the hard lesson that it’s simply bullshit.

What I didn’t expect was the complete transformation that I’ve experienced in my life since then. Sure, I had the immediate moments of despair, anger, worry. However, I realized that the sun still rose each day. I will never forget the text my mom sent me the next morning: this is the first morning in many, many years that you can wake up at peace.

Since October 10, 2024, I reclaimed my life. My previous career required long hours including nights and weekends. I don’t remember the last time a holiday wasn’t upended because of a work problem. I was always distracted by work. I lost sight of my health and my priorities. I was, in some way, paralyzed by stress and burnout. Once the fog in my brain cleared, I made a commitment to me. I chose to focus on how I treated my body, what I put in my body and how I moved my body. Since then, I’ve lost ten pounds plus added muscle, my blood pressure is normal as is my cholesterol. I was on a path that was similar to my grandfather and my father—heart issues—but that has changed. I don’t even recognize the person I was before this happened. I haven’t felt this good in years.

I fully expected to be panicked and in fear about what was next. Instead, I decided to take a leap and shift into consulting. My mentor has a consulting firm and she invited me to build out a new segment of the business. This is something I’ve never done before. Talk about growth! At age 43. It’s scary however I am less stressed about this than I had been for probably the last ten years at my job. Have I had to tap into savings? Sure. Does my financial situation look different right now? Yes. Do I know when I am going to get my first solo project? No. Do I hear stories (although I try and limit them) about how awful the new guy is? YES. Have I learned that people who I thought were my friends were not my friends but instead they liked access? YES! Am I happier? YES. Do I get to live where I want? YES. Do I get to dictate my schedule? YES.

The freedom that ended up being forced on me is a blessing. The lessons I have learned have been a blessing. I am taking this next phase of life one day at a time. I am taking my time. I am doing what is right for me. If consulting doesn’t work out, I’ll do something else. What’s important is that I’ve found myself again. Failure wasn’t the end for me. It has been the beginning. What I thought was a failure instead turned out to be my biggest victory.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
My Website – My Books – My YouTube Channel – My Podcast