The Essence of Life

147 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

No one is going to stand up at your funeral and say, “He fucked like a wildebeest and had the best golf swing I’ve ever seen.”

Life is about loving people, not impressing them.

Acts of love are valid only if they’re performed without conditions or expectations.

Three things for you to ask yourself

When was the last time you loved someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return? It could be a partner, a family member, a friend, a colleague, someone you cared for.

If your answer is never, what is it you expect from the people you love? Why do you seek these things from them?

One thing for you to try this week

Let go of your expectations of a person you love. See how that changes your relationship.

New This Week

How to Be a Great Friend, Para-Social Relationships, and Why You Shouldn’t Die Alone – The quality of your life often comes down to the quality of your relationships. That’s why we’re giving a huge fuck about friendships in this latest podcast episode. While the benefits of having good friends are obvious, the cost of maintaining friendships is often overlooked. Drew and I dive into that, plus advice on when you should and shouldn’t cut off people in your life, and how friends and romantic partners really impact our happiness. Check it out.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to challenge a ruling emotion or belief in your life and let me know what happens.

Katherine and her husband debunked an important limiting belief:

I turned 30 just over two weeks ago, but over the last few years I’ve begun to realize that I’ve been ruled by my limiting beliefs over the three decades of my life. There are far too many to get into here, but I received your email right as my husband and I unintentionally debunked one of our shared beliefs: that we won’t be happy until we move to another city.

I’m an active-duty service member in the U.S. Army, so I don’t often have the opportunity to choose where we live. In 2022, I came here on orders, and ever since, my husband and I have been counting the days until we leave. We’re both outdoorsy—hiking, biking, camping, skiing/snowboarding, the typical activities—and this city is, in our opinion, fucking terrible for supporting our hobbies. It’s hot as Satan’s nutsack for nine months out of the year, the closest greenery and snow are two hours away.

Because of this, we’ve taken our emotions and used them to reinforce our shared limiting belief that happiness will not—nay, cannot—be had until we’re watching this city fade in the rearview mirror for the last time, middle fingers in the air.

The last few years, therefore, have been pretty fucking miserable.

However, this past weekend a shift occurred. It was nothing monumental; we celebrated our friends who became brand-new parents on Friday, and spent Saturday night with more friends at a craft brewery event at the local zoo. Frankly, it was just good quality time spent with people we love.

My husband and I were grocery shopping on Sunday morning when he looked at me and said, ‘This weekend was really fun.’ And he was right. After two years it finally clicked—we didn’t need to escape the city to enjoy living our lives; instead, we needed to get rid of the limiting belief that we can’t have a good time while living in a place we don’t like.

I’ve lived in a lot of places and I’ve come to the conclusion in my personal life that when most people complain about weather, hobbies, traffic, taxes, etc., really what they’re complaining about is loneliness. If you have a great community, all of those things matter way less.

Meanwhile Libby is challenging a belief that I think we all struggle with at some point:

I refuse to be controlled by feelings of loneliness, and the belief that only a partner could fulfill that loneliness.

I struggled for a long time with this emotion and belief after ending a 20-year marriage. I was making headway, getting my life, thoughts and feelings on the right track to happiness when I hit a bump. I met someone who (I now realize) was not the right fit for me and got caught up in romanticizing the situation. I started to ‘compromise’ my boundaries in order to please someone else for fear of being alone. I refused to see the red flags which challenged my morals and the happiness I had worked so hard to build for me and my kids.

I took a step back, evaluated the roller coaster of emotions that were now making my life unhappy and refused to let them take control. I realized I was not alone—I have supportive friends. My life was already rich with happiness and love—not only for my kids, but the independence and strength I had worked so hard to obtain. Romance and being romanced is not always a path to happiness, nor is it a path to a less lonely life.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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