Why You Must Destroy Yourself

154 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

You can’t grow muscle without pain. You can’t find wisdom without failure. You can’t build confidence without looking foolish and embarrassing yourself.

All growth has an inherent sacrifice to it.

Changing and improving your life requires you to destroy a part of yourself and replace it with a newer, better part of yourself.

Therefore, growth is, by definition, painful.

Two things for you to ask yourself

How did you grow in 2024? Was the pain worth it?

One thing for you to try this week

Destroy that part of yourself you’ve always wanted to do away with, no matter how painful. Let me know how it goes.

Oh, and Happy New Year.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to establish a much-needed boundary over the holidays. This is exactly what Nicole did:

My breakthrough this holiday season is setting a boundary with my ex-husband and letting him know that he can no longer be part of my family holidays. We have been separated for almost three years and divorced for just over a year. We were married for over 27 years and have two adult sons who are independent and on their own. I have felt tremendous guilt for ending the marriage and for ‘destroying’ his life, as he calls it. I won’t bore you with the details, but we managed to get to an amicable place, and I have allowed him to still partake in my family celebrations as he has no family of his own, and that made me feel terrible for him. I have now moved on and am dating someone new, and while I thought I could manage a modern divorce situation and that it wouldn’t be weird to have my ex-husband at my family gatherings… it is weird. I would not feel great if my partner still attended holidays with his ex-wife and her family, and it no longer feels right that my ex-husband attends my family gatherings.

It feels like I’m such a ‘bad guy’ here…. I know it will hurt his feelings to be excluded from my family gatherings. I wrestle with the difficult feelings that I am a cold and heartless bitch, or at least that is what he and others will think of me. And also, I am very much aware of how I am giving his feelings more weight and attention than my own… which is what I did for almost 30 years because I had no idea how to stand up for what I wanted and needed.

Something shifted in me a few years ago when I found the courage to separate and eventually file for divorce. And even after the divorce, he still has some power over me because of my need to be nice and keep the peace at all costs. And now this is the boundary that I am setting. I am standing up for myself and putting what I want and need first this holiday season. It’s sooo uncomfortable doing this, and I also know it’s the right thing to do.

Another reader isn’t letting their family dictate how they see themselves:

My family visited us this Christmas from Poland for two weeks. I haven’t seen them since I was nine as my dad went ‘no contact’ with them for 17 years. They immediately turned to me about expectations they had of me and I felt the need to put on a face to please. Don’t get me wrong, in order to preserve my mental well-being I’m helping myself to avoid arguments (the last thing I want is to let them ruin my Christmas), but I was very vocal about how them not believing me about why I am the way I am (like it matters) is not my problem nor do I care. I was polite and kind, always will be, but I will not allow anyone to say harmful words to me how and when they want because I worked so, so hard to be happy within myself after years of issues due to my family. For that, I will forever be proud of myself. I can finally say I did it.

Our last reader is setting a boundary that’s good for them:

I’ve been going back and forth on stopping alcohol for a few years now. Never been a heavy drinker but it just feels better when I don’t drink. I’ll go on my first holiday without alcohol and I’m committed to it. That’s the boundary I’m willing to set to myself and other people around me. I know people will ask why I don’t drink and I’ll simply reply: because I want to feel great.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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