Is Your Love Healthy?

89 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

Unhealthy love is when two people use each other to escape their problems.

Healthy love is when two people help each other to address their problems.

Unhealthy love often feels exciting, dramatic and profound, but hurts us in the long run.

Healthy love often feels dull, peaceful and repetitive, but it heals us in the long run.

Two things for you to ask yourself

Where is the unhealthy love in your life? Are you addicted to the ups and downs?

One thing for you to try this week

It’s Valentine’s Day in the US this week. Take a long hard look at your romantic relationship and decide if it’s healthy for you. If you’re not sure, talk to your partner about it. If you feel like you can’t, then that’s a sign that it’s probably not.

If you’re not currently in a relationship, consider if your past relationships were healthy and what you could have done differently. Let me know what you find.

New This Week

Video: Why Australia Doesn’t Give a F*ck

Back in November, I toured Australia doing live speaking events to thousands of people. This is a vlog of that tour where I ask myself the question, “Why is Australia into not giving fucks so much?” What is it about that country and culture that they resonate with my work? I end up talking to journalists, podcasters, and TV personalities in an effort to solve the mystery of the fucks not given. Give it a watch and let me know what fucks you stop giving as a result.

Podcast: Ask Mark Anything: Live From Australia

On that same speaking tour down under, I talked to thousands of you about life, purpose, relationships, and why giving fewer fucks is the key to actually living a life you don’t hate.

We recorded some of the best Q&A moments to share with you in this latest podcast episode. We dive into the big existential stuff—how to stop procrastinating, how to know if a relationship is right for you, and whether Australia’s ban on social media for kids is actually a good thing. We’ll also talk about the brutal truth behind imposter syndrome, how to stop caring so much about what other people think, and one thing that actually helps you figure out what the hell you should be doing with your life.

Plus, I’ll share some hard-earned wisdom on drinking, quitting, and why people stay in bad relationships way too long. So if you’ve ever felt stuck, lost, or just overwhelmed by the sheer absurdity of life, this one’s for you. Hit play and let’s get into it.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to give to others what you’re hoping to receive, and see what comes back.

This got Sean thinking:

Your newsletter really hit home for me, this section in particular: If you wish to be loved, then love.

I realized that I expect my wife to love me and shower me with affection. Look, my wife isn’t the type to rush to the door after a hard day at work and shower me with kisses and tell me how handsome I am. She never has been. We have been together for 18 years. Married with two kids. We have a healthy marriage and respect each other immensely. Yet I crave for my wife to find me attractive and give me affection. I sometimes feel she is comfortable and has just ‘stopped trying.’ This newsletter forced me to look within myself.

Do I come home and shower her with affection? I used to massage her all the time, I cannot remember the last time I did. I had this thought process that it’s her who has become comfortable.

But what am I doing differently?

I need to take action and that is to break this feel-sorry-for-me cycle and to start treating my wife with the affection I crave myself. I wish for love and affection, therefore I will give. Let’s see what happens!

Britney has been getting back what she’s giving:

A year ago, I struggled with long-lasting friendships. I recently went through a toxic break-up with my friend-with-benefits, and before him, a heavy break-up with my ex. Somehow, through a University Discord Server, I found my current group of friends. We were strangers in the beginning, but we started to hang out often, to the point that I gave them love and appreciation. Whenever it’s their birthdays, I would plan and host their birthdays, or even if they’re going out to eat at the resto, we would come together and hang out.

In return, I got the love, respect, friendship, and appreciation that I needed. This was the best gift I could have received. This past week, I celebrated my 24th birthday with my now group of best friends. They all showed up and brought me my birthday cake. Some even bought me gifts, or even those who never showed up before showed up for that one day. It was the best day of my life.

Finally, many of you pointed out that you’ve spent your life giving and received nothing back. This is a common sentiment I see often and can be explained relatively simply: the “you get what you give” is true at a macro level but not always true at a micro level. If you are generous in showing appreciation, that habit will filter people out of your life who don’t handle it well and will attract those into your life who do. But if you try to show appreciation to one person hoping to get it back, this will often backfire.

A reader named Kamal explained it quite well:

In some of my family relationships I find the more encouragement and positivity I offer, the colder a response I get. It’s almost like they’re afraid of what is asked of them, or there’s something else I can’t decipher.

I don’t get what I give.

But I don’t give in order to get.

I give because it’s what I think is right and I want to encourage. I know I appreciate it. But maybe it is not appreciated or doesn’t land well. Intent and impact are different things.

I have had to come to realize for whatever reason—maybe it feels like an obligation or maybe the person who receives it is distracted or at capacity or it’s just not their strength or that’s not how they give/show love—in some basic family relationships I will never get what I want by offering it… even by asking for it.

It can be a hard lesson and I have to see people for who they are (with me, identity is relational… maybe they show up differently with others), and stop chasing that connection or mutuality of support.

I am working on giving myself what I would like to receive in encouragement and support.

‘Let it begin with me,’ is not just about how I treat others. It is also how I treat myself.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
My Website – My Books – My YouTube Channel – My Podcast