You’re Lying to Yourself

44 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Six common lies we tell ourselves

• “If I had more time, I would do the thing.”
• “If I could just have that, then my life would be amazing.”
• “If I tell them this, then they will finally change.”
• “Everything is perfect/ruined.”
• “I can’t live without the thing.”
• “I know what I’m doing.”

One truth we don’t like to hear

Personal growth is the process of learning to lie to ourselves less.

Two things for you to ask yourself

How are you lying to yourself? What would happen if you told the truth?

One thing for you to try this week

Let go of one lie you’ve been telling yourself. Then tell me how the truth feels.

New This Week

Podcast: Snake Oil or Self-Help?, Minimalism’s Real Value, and Atheists Who Go to Church

Self-help is supposed to, you know, help. But what if it actually makes things worse? In this latest podcast episode, Drew and I take a hard look at the self-improvement industry that promises transformation but often sells little more than feel-good illusions. From outdated advice that preys on your insecurities to the dopamine hit of “life-changing” content that changes nothing, we break down why self-help often fails the people who need it most.

Along with unpacking the biggest traps of self-improvement, we tackle whether or not minimalism was just an aesthetic rebellion against our parents’ McMansion dreams, and wrap up with a listener question about the ethics of going to church if you’re an atheist. It’s another grab bag episode full of rabbit holes. Check it out.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to consider if your romantic relationships, past and present, are healthy for you. The amount of vulnerable stories readers shared floored me.

Erika decided to walk away from a relationship that’s hurting:

Unhealthy love exists in my relationship with my partner. We’ve been together for seven years, and for the past five, it has been tumultuous. At first, I blamed the age difference, then his mother’s lack of support, then the heartbreak of multiple miscarriages and a failed IVF round. There was always something—something other than the truth I refused to see: this relationship hasn’t been working for years.

Just yesterday, I realized I’ve been addicted to the small glimpses of hope he breadcrumbs me with—the temporary changes, the promises to do better, the fleeting moments that make me believe things will finally be different. But they never last, and I’ve been stuck in this cycle of disappointment. I see now that holding onto this unhealthy love has left me drained, a shell of the person I used to be.

It’s time to make the decision I’ve been avoiding. I have to forgive myself for not choosing my own well-being sooner and give myself grace. I have to love myself more than I love someone who continues to hurt me. The thought of being alone and starting over is terrifying, but I know that walking away is the only way to find the peace and love I truly deserve.

Tilly is coming to appreciate her new, healthy love:

This week’s newsletter really did a number on me. It was like being in church and the pastor is preaching and you feel like oh my God, how does he know about my situation? Is he speaking to me?

But this touched my soul because for over 26 years I have been involved with my junior high sweetheart. Back then, I would say we had innocent, pure, and healthy love, but over the years it has turned into a toxic, unhealthy rollercoaster. Just last night I disconnected completely from him. Trying to even be a friend to him was mentally draining.

This has been a work in progress for the last two years. The feeling that my soul was connected to his. Sleepless nights, stress, and days and nights of tears, and I am finally feeling like I have control over my life.

I am currently dating and this man I am getting to know seems boring, repetitive, but he is consistent, considerate, and he feels safe. It is still taking me a bit of time to realize that that is what a healthy relationship is. My relationships have all been super unhealthy and I believe I was addicted to it. The crave to fix someone or change someone for the better. I don’t exactly know what I am missing within myself for wanting to fix everything and everyone, but it’s just been a part of my being for so long. Fixing, cleaning up, and being a nurturer.

I want to thank you for the confirmation with this newsletter, because I honestly feel bad for the way I view the healthy relationship, and I am truly blessed to have such a peaceful relationship with a man that genuinely cares and actually shows up daily.

To end, Kara’s reflections on the nature of healing:

You took me back to the six months after my late husband’s death seven years ago, where I put the time aside to confront my reality. How had my life got to this: No job, no home, no money, no prospects?

I concluded the relationship had not been particularly good for me. In fact it exactly fitted your definition of an unhealthy relationship. It was exciting, often exhilarating, sometimes exhausting. But never boring or predictable.

I see now how we used each other. Totally addicted to escaping from our problems. It was so much fun, but ultimately oh so destructive!

I gave myself the grace of learning from my mistakes and have now been in a relationship for the past three years that meets your definition of healthy.

We aren’t afraid to address the big issues and find solutions that work for each of us. It’s peaceful, yes. Repetitive, to some extent. But honestly never dull. Because we’re healing.

It turns out that healing is anything but passive or inert. It’s an active divestiture of what doesn’t work, constantly finding new and better ways of being and doing. In its own quiet way, this healing relationship is more exciting and rewarding than any I‘ve ever been in before.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
My Website – My Books – My YouTube Channel – My Podcast