Failure Isn’t the End

109 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Four things for you to think about

If you’re not failing, you’re not learning.
If you’re not learning, you’re not growing.
If you’re not growing, you’re not living.

The most useful trait you can train within yourself: To stop seeing failure as a bad thing.

Three things for you to ask yourself

What was a recent time you failed? What did you learn? How did you grow from it?

One thing for you to try this week

Go do something important even though you may fail. Let me know what happens.

New This Week

Podcast: The Last Podcast

After more than 70 episodes and 30 million downloads, I’ve decided to shut down The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck podcast. Yeah, I know—it sounds a little crazy. But the truth is, I wasn’t having fun anymore. The guest treadmill, the pressure to play nice, the temptation to chase clicks instead of meaning—it all started to feel fake. So, I’m pulling the plug.

BUT—I’m not going away. I’m launching something new. It’s called Solved—a no-ads, no-guests, deep-dive podcast where each episode tackles one major life topic and breaks it down exhaustively. Think: values, emotions, procrastination—done right, from every angle, with real research and clear implementation. It’s the podcast I wish already existed. So I’m making it.

First episode drops May 1st. Watch this space.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I asked you to say “no” to one thing or person that’s not good for you as an act of self-love. The response was overwhelming. Below are a few choice breakthroughs.

Laura said “no” to her father:

Saying ‘no’ is never easy, but it has been my mojo for the past six months and I can tell you it has changed my life!

One of my biggest fears was saying ‘no’ to my dad, as even though I’m a 40-year-old woman I always seek his approval. But this past winter something changed.

My dad holds a lot of resentment and basically hates one of my mother’s brothers. Yes, my uncle is not an easy person and has many areas of opportunity, but he has always been nice to me and we have a good relationship. So when my husband and I traveled to visit my family last February, my uncle invited us for dinner at his place.

Before the dinner, my dad found out about the invitation and he got furious and told me I was betraying him and the family and that he forbade us going to the dinner!

In the past I would just say OK dad, apologize to him and figure out an excuse to miss the dinner, but this time I said ‘no’:

• ‘No’ to inheriting a resentment and a grudge from a previous generation that has nothing to do with me
• ‘No’ to doing what my father wants me to do instead of what I want to do
• ‘No’ to allowing him to treat me poorly and making me feel bad because I didn’t follow his desires
• ‘No’ to letting him dictate my relationships with my extended family

Of course my dad didn’t expect my reaction and he didn’t like it, but he ended up accepting it and my husband and I went to the dinner and had a wonderful time with my uncle.

It is never easy, but it feels so good to put yourself first!

Sue G said “no” to reclaim her energy:

For decades I was a volunteer-a-holic, always giving my time and energy to various non-profits. The most recent was a stint since 2008 as a volunteer Executive Director of a small non-profit arts organization. What started out as a fairly easy task got complicated in a good but extremely challenging way. A decision was made in 2012 to open our own community art center. We never had our own ‘space’ before.

Fast forward to 2024 after our 2014 grand opening, five years of growing success, COVID years, staff changes, new landlords, WTF chaos, uncertainty and changes too many to list. I found myself burned out and resentful. Not good feelings. I began to ask myself *why* am I doing this? I won’t go into the answer but it did bring peace and resolve. I had to recognize that I had done my part.

It wasn’t this week but it was not that long ago that I finally said ‘fuck this’ (in a loving way) and advised the board of directors it’s time for me to fly. The E.D. tasks I did for free were assigned to paid staff. The volunteer treasurer work was passed on to someone else, in fact a brilliant 19-year-old college student who has the energy and interest I used to have. Let the young people take over!

I have an incredible sense of relief plus excitement for all the things I intend to do with the energy I had devoted to the organization. None of my plans involve volunteering!

The best part? Last weekend I attended an event at the space and felt an incredible sense of accomplishment over what I had helped create as well as delight at how everything ran wonderfully without me! Big changes are happening that are better than I ever could have anticipated!

I’m not saying people shouldn’t volunteer, but I suggest knowing when to stop killing oneself over proving worth and learning to find a balance.

Interestingly (to me, anyway) I’ve been using the ‘if it isn’t a fuck yes…’ rule for other experiences and am enjoying the hell out of the clarity and freedom to do ‘me.’ Thank you for that!

To end, what must be one of the most difficult no’s for a parent, to deny their child when they ask for too much:

For far more years than I should have, I have been financially supporting my adult son who struggles with an opioid addiction. There have been periods of sobriety and success, but so many more of fear and denial and overwhelm. My financial support was always intended to relieve stress and the burden on him so he could focus on sobriety. But now I find myself in an endless cycle of providing more and more and more while he continues to make the same choices and take zero accountability for his life.

Over the last few years I have been doing a lot of personal work to try to combat the exhaustion, depression and withdrawal from life that I had settled into. This has included leaving a relationship with an alcoholic, self-exploration, a new therapist, etc… A year ago I explored micro-dosing as a way to permanently end my reliance on psychiatric medications and this brought up a level of anger I had never felt—anger at many things, but more specifically at my son. I wanted to run from it, but was encouraged to sit in it and pay attention, and so for the last year the anger has been a near-constant companion sometimes simmering calmly below the surface and at others bubbling over and burning anyone near.

The source of the anger is not truly about him or his addiction (I can still find softness for those), the anger comes from feeling taken advantage of, from carrying the burden of another adult, from no one seeing how much of my life was being set aside to be there and provide unwavering support, from the endless ever-increasing asks with zero regard for the impact… While I am grateful I have been able to provide this support, it has now reached a point where it is impacting my own financial situation and I can see that it has for a long time—I have been saying ‘no’ to things and watching my spending to have this money available.

For months my therapist has reminded me to lean into the anger that was again building, to use it as an alert and dig into what it was alerting me to. And we created a plan based on my values rather than the fear, anger and anxiety that life has been based on. So, 36 hours ago I boarded a flight taking me halfway around the world while it is clear that my son is in active addiction yet holding on to the story of sobriety. This departure was coupled with a message to him that my financial support was over—three weeks ago he was offered support to get a job, work with his probation officers to modify court drug-testing requirements I had been paying for, discover options for transportation I had been providing or paying for, etc… He did none of it, because my boundaries never held up. So as I traveled and settled in, he bombarded me with asks, burning needs, begging, threats and straight-up anger.

This ‘no’ is truly about loving myself. This is not working for me, this is not and has not been a fuck yes for me for a long time. Thank you for the reminder in this message. My ‘no’ is not about loving him, it’s about loving myself. It’s about acknowledging that my ‘help’ has just perpetuated the situation, it hasn’t been helping anyone for years.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
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