Mastering Your Social Anxiety
I just posted my first YouTube video featuring a real-life person with a real-life problem: social anxiety.
Check it out if you haven’t already.
Maybe you’re like Melinda in the video and you’ve suffered from some form of social anxiety for most or even all of your life.
Well, today, we’re going to do something about that.
Social anxiety, for many, is like that party crasher who shows up uninvited, wrecks the fun, and hangs around way too long. Whether you experience this discomfort occasionally or as a regular visitor, it’s time to learn how to handle it.
Here, I dive a little deeper into five proven strategies for managing social anxiety, complemented with practical exercises you can carry out on your own time.
It’s important that you take your time with these exercises. Yes, you should feel a little uncomfortable when you’re doing them—that’s where real personal growth happens. But you shouldn’t be pushing yourself to the point of having an anxious meltdown.
So do them at your own pace. If you ever feel like you need to step back and take a break, please do—just promise yourself you’ll come back to working on this part of your life, ok?
And one more thing…
I want to hear about how this all works out for you. There are instructions towards the bottom of this page telling you how you can share your story with me, and with others if you so choose.
You’re not alone in any of this, and sharing your journey of personal growth might just be what someone else needs to hear to start theirs.
Let’s tackle this fucker together.
Onward.
Table of Contents
1. Desensitization
Fear is often born from unfamiliarity and uncertainty.
When we regularly expose ourselves to the circumstances that cause our anxieties, we can start to take the reins back from our fear.
Desensitization is about reducing our negative emotional response to anxiety-causing situations, not through avoidance, but through confronting them head-on.
In behavioral psychology, this strategy is known as exposure therapy, allowing our brains to rewire our reactions to fear stimuli.
Over time, this repeated exposure builds resilience and emotional stamina.
Desensitization Challenges
Challenge #1: Controlled Exposure
Start small. Find situations that induce a manageable level of anxiety and get yourself involved.
It could be attending a social gathering, initiating a conversation, or joining an online forum.
Rinse and repeat.
Challenge #2: Progressive Desensitization
Gradually increase the complexity of the situation.
If talking to strangers terrifies you, start with simple greetings, then extend to asking about their day, and so forth.
Challenge #3: Challenge Yourself
Keep a fear journal where you write down your biggest social fears and challenge yourself to face them.
Track your progress and celebrate your victories, no matter how small.
2. Curiosity
Instead of focusing on our internal dialogue—usually an echo chamber of self-doubt and insecurity—shifting our attention outward can help a lot.
Being genuinely curious about others can distract us from our anxieties and enrich our social experiences—a win-win.
Curiosity also fosters empathy, as we naturally strive to understand and relate to the stories and perspectives of others.
Moreover, it enhances our connections with others and transforms interactions from sources of fear to opportunities for learning.
Curiosity Challenges
Challenge #1: The Question Game
Make it a goal to ask a certain number of questions in conversations you have. For a start, aim for three.
These don’t need to be with complete strangers—in fact, you probably shouldn’t start there if you’re really struggling. Coworkers, friends, and family are a good place to test this out before moving to more challenging social situations.
Your questions could be as simple as, “What did you do today?” or “What’s your favorite movie?”
We love talking about ourselves. Use this to your advantage.
Challenge #2: Active Listening
Practice active listening.
This means really paying attention to the other person’s words, emotions, and body language, and responding with empathy and understanding.
Challenge #3: Become a Story Collector
Make it a point to collect stories.
Each person you meet has unique experiences. Challenge yourself to unearth these often hidden parts of others.
Notice how when you find one of these hidden parts of someone, something in the air changes. They let down their guard a little and you can relax too. This opens up an opportunity for greater connection.
3. Humor
Humor is an incredible tool for diffusing tension, both within us and in our social environment.
Laughter triggers a release of endorphins, our body’s natural feel-good chemicals, and creates a sense of camaraderie with others. It also allows us to view our situations from a fresh, less threatening perspective.
Moreover, humor can act as a shield and a bridge—protecting us by diffusing tension and connecting us by creating shared moments of enjoyment.
You don’t have to become a stand-up comic. Social humor is more about making creative observations on what’s happening around you in a way that shakes others from the normal, mundane flow of life.
Humor Challenges
Challenge #1: Find Your Style of Humor
Start by figuring out what makes you laugh.
What kind of comedy do you enjoy? Dark humor, slapstick, witty sarcasm?
Understand your humor style and you’ll be more comfortable making others laugh.
You’ll also start to understand and accept that not everyone will like your style of humor—and that’s okay.
Challenge #2: Practice Jokes
Prepare a few jokes or funny anecdotes from your life to use in conversations.
Practice them until you can tell them confidently.
Challenge #3: Laugh at Yourself
Being able to laugh at yourself is a sign of confidence and can put others at ease.
Share some funny, embarrassing stories about yourself to lighten the mood.
This is a huge part of what I call “meta-awesomeness“.
4. Vulnerability
Being vulnerable is about embracing your humanity and your authenticity. It’s about revealing your true self, warts and all, and it’s a cornerstone of building deep, meaningful connections.
It communicates to others that we are comfortable with our imperfections and shows them that it’s okay to be imperfect too.
Brené Brown has spent years studying vulnerability. She found that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness, but of courage. It’s about showing up and being seen, in all of our raw and imperfect glory.
Vulnerability Challenges
Challenge #1: Share Something Personal
Reveal something personal about yourself to someone in your life.
It could be a fear, a dream, a regret. It doesn’t have to be deep or heavy, just honest.
Again, you probably shouldn’t start doing this with complete strangers if you have a lot of social anxiety. In fact, you shouldn’t be sharing lots of personal stories about yourself until you first understand how healthy boundaries work.
Challenge #2: Show Empathy
Once you start getting comfortable opening up to others, many will naturally feel more comfortable opening up to you.
When they do, show empathy.
Let them know you understand, you care, and you’re there for them.
Challenge #3: Ask for Help
Asking for help can be a big step in becoming vulnerable. It shows you’re human and that, like everyone else, you need support sometimes.
What’s something you’ve been trying to do or deal with on your own that you could ask for help with?
5. Authenticity
Authentic expression is the practice of openly and honestly expressing our thoughts, feelings, desires, and boundaries.
It’s about recognizing our worth and not compromising our values and beliefs for the sake of others’ comfort.
Authentic self-expression can be liberating, empowering, and a direct way of combating social anxiety.
When we express ourselves authentically, we send ourselves the message that we matter. It affirms our self-worth and helps us reclaim our power in social situations.
Authenticity Challenges
Challenge #1: Self-Awareness Journaling
Write about your thoughts, feelings, and/or desires. There’s no structure, no format, and no expectations for this. You don’t need to share it with anyone.
The goal is to get to know yourself better and understand what you truly feel, independent of outside influences.
Challenge #2: Practice Assertiveness
Express your needs and feelings in a respectful, straightforward manner. Remember, your thoughts and feelings are valid and deserve to be heard.
Challenge #3: Creative Expression
Find a creative outlet for your emotions, like painting, writing, or music. This not only helps you explore and express your feelings but also helps reduce stress and anxiety.
Social anxiety might have been an uninvited guest in your life, but it doesn’t have to overstay its welcome. By adopting these strategies and exercises, you can begin to dismantle your fear and rebuild your confidence.
Remember, every small step you take towards confronting and managing your social anxiety is a victory worth celebrating.
So, put on your dancin’ shoes and step out into a world that’s waiting to connect with you, the real you.
Now It’s Your Turn to Share Your Story
Again, I want you to take your time with these exercises.
If you start small and gradually increase your exposure to discomfort, you’ll be surprised at what you can do in less time than you think is possible.
And then I want you to share your breakthroughs with me, no matter how small you think it is.
If that sounds scary to you—well, maybe you can work up to that as one of your challenges. You can share it just with me or, if you’re cool with it, I might also share it with people on social media with your permission.
My goal here is to show people that anxiety is relatively normal. You’re not alone. And your story of progress—again, no matter how small—could just be the nudge that someone else needs to start their journey too.
There are two ways you can share your story:
- Create a 1-minute video describing your experience with one of the exercises you did above. Tell me what you did, how it went—good or bad—and what you learned from it. Please keep it 1 minute or less.
- Write a short email about your experience and send it to breakthrough@markmanson.net. Please keep it to a maximum of 300 words or less.
In either case, let me know if you give me permission to share it with others and, if so, if I can use your first name or if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.
More Resources
Books
Below are some books on anxiety and depression that you might find helpful. You can also read my more detailed review of each of them in a post I wrote called 5 Best Books for Dealing With Anxiety and Depression.
- The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon — This is a book on depression, but people with anxiety almost always have some experience with depression as well. It explores depression from a personal and global perspective, delving into the author’s own struggles with depression and examining the condition’s impact on society, culture, and individuals worldwide.
- First, We Make the Beast Beautiful by Sarah Wilson — Wilson shares her journey through anxiety, offering a unique perspective on the condition while seeking to find the positives and wisdom it can bring. The book combines personal experiences, scientific research, and philosophical insights to create a compassionate exploration of anxiety.
- Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns — Burns presents cognitive behavioral techniques and practical exercises to help readers overcome depression, anxiety, and improve their emotional well-being. The book offers step-by-step guidance to challenge negative thought patterns and build healthier habits.
- The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living by Russ Harris — An introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) to help readers break free from the happiness trap. The book teaches valuable skills to handle difficult emotions, thoughts, and situations, allowing individuals to lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.
- Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff — Drawing on scientific research and personal experiences, Kristin Neff explores the transformative effects of self-compassion. This book guides readers towards greater self-acceptance, resilience, and emotional well-being by fostering a kinder and more nurturing relationship with themselves.
My Overcoming Anxiety Course
As a member, you have access to all of my courses, including the bonus course, Overcoming Anxiety. If you haven’t gone through it already, now’s maybe a good time to start while you’re working on the above exercises.
