Friends Over Lovers

160 people had breakthroughs this week. Will the next one be you?

Two things for you to think about

Imagine this: You’re single. Forever. The end.

Now imagine this: You have no friends. Forever. The end.

Many of us misinterpret our need for strong friendships as a need for a romantic relationship.

You can be happy without a partner. You cannot be happy without friends.

Recent studies have shown that the highest number of successful long-term romantic relationships begin… you guessed it, by meeting through friends.

Start with friends.

Two things for you to ask yourself

Have you been over-prioritizing romantic relationships over social relationships? If so, how has that worked out for you?

One thing for you to try this week

Go make a friend. No, I’m serious. Go invite someone to do something social. Then tell me how it went.

New This Week

Podcast: How to Get Out of a Rut, Pain and Boredom, and Knowing When to Quit

In this latest podcast episode, Drew and I dive deep into the subtle difference between a healthy routine and a rut. How can you tell if your daily grind is keeping you grounded… or just grinding you down? Next, we tackle the question of boredom: Why does it feel so unbearable, and could we actually be missing out on its hidden perks? Finally, we confront one of life’s biggest dilemmas: When is it time to walk away, and when should you double down? Whether it’s a project that’s going nowhere or a relationship that feels like it’s on life support, we’ll give you insights on knowing when to quit and when to stick it out. Enjoy.

Last week’s breakthroughs

In last week’s newsletter, I described growth as a form of loss—a loss of your old values, your old behaviors, your old loves, your old identity—and asked you to honor and remember your former self.

Meghna let go of resentment:

Two years ago, after a heartbreak, I lost my motivation to care for myself—I stopped eating clean, working out, and began binge-watching TV for the first time in a decade, wanting to stay in that state to avoid everything else. Recently, as I’ve started to take better care of myself again, I’ve felt a lot of anger and resentment for letting things slip.

I’m learning to honor my past self with compassion, understanding that I needed that time to heal and feel content again. Though I still feel frustrated about my past often, I’ve realized and remind myself each time that all you can truly control is the present and focus on building the future you desire.

K is grieving with gratitude:

My dad is a difficult man and is probably a classic narcissist, married to a total people pleaser. My sister, brother and I have also learned to be people pleasers to ‘keep the peace.’ Two years ago my dad did something truly awful—a police matter—and it felt like a bomb went off in our family, and the ripples are still being felt.

It took this dreadful situation to realize/recognize/admit a whole heap of things—to myself as much as anyone else. So growth for me over the last two years has meant acknowledging that things in my life haven’t been as great as they appeared and that I have work to do to be more aware of my own feelings and needs, and then to honor them. I guess I gave the illusion—even to myself—that I was more together and sorted than I was, but anxiety and low self-esteem were manifesting in physical symptoms.

I can’t believe I’ve got to the age of 55 and am only just realizing how things really are—in my family and in my relationships. There have been so many wasted years. I grieve the loss of that time and the missed opportunities, while also being grateful for the fateful steps that have led me to the life I have now, which is rich in many ways.

I grieve the happy-go-lucky, easy-going woman I was before ‘the bomb,’ but I also recognize how brave and capable that woman—me—was to achieve what I did in my work, to nurture the friendships I made and ultimately to place my trust in a man who is now my husband and best friend.

I’m proud of how compassionate I am with my parents, while learning to recognize and set boundaries. I’m proud of the steps I am taking to work on myself and my relationships. It’s hard; there are a lot of habits to break and patterns to change.

Finally, Sherry has a message for her former self:

Looking back at my former self reminds me how far she’s come. I can see that former Sherry, the things she believed (or didn’t believe) about herself and the actions and misactions she took to protect her heart and her family. I know she could never know then what she knows now (or what she’ll know in the future). I love that she’s never given up even in the face of some pretty shitty stuff. She’s been so many Sherrys along the way—each one bigger and brighter. I also like looking back at her and telling her, ‘oh girl, you have no idea, just you wait, the best is yet to come.’ I would love to give her that reassurance especially during the hardest of times.

In fact, when any ‘wounding’ comes up in my present, I seek out that former Sherry. When I am worried I won’t fit in, I go back to ‘age 12 Sherry’ who grew up poor and felt ashamed about her shabby clothes. I tell her that she’s going to be okay—that she’s good enough just as she is.

As always, send your breakthroughs by simply replying to this email. Let me know if you’d prefer to remain anonymous.

Until next week,

Mark Manson

#1 New York Times Bestselling Author
My Website – My Books – My YouTube Channel – My Podcast